Final done, yay.

Almost 2 hours.  I got tired in the middle of it and just wanted to get up and leave, which, technically speaking… I can do, since I’m at my house.  But I ground through it.  It was easier than the midterm.  It had this system of depreciation on it that seems to be very hokey, but I worked through it.

I left one piece not quite finished.  I got to the point where the headache showed up again and I decided to end my suffering.  I did 90% of that question though and it’s the only one that I didn’t completely finish.

***

I read something interesting yesterday.  It said if you have friends at work, you’re more likely to have a positive experience.  I have one person at work that I consider a friend and another I’d consider a friend if we had the time to be friends with each other, but nothing like I had at the university.  They were family.

I miss that.

I wonder if that’s why I feel kind of disconnected at work?

I work with good people.  We all work very hard.  But do I feel safe there?  No.  Do I feel like I’ve settled in?

no.

I looked at the title of one of our books yesterday and it hits me today that I relate… I haven’t read it in a while, but maybe I’ll pull it off the shelf and dust if off.  “Stranger in a Strange Land.”

The fact is that I feel a sense of loneliness creeping up on me.  Being sick has made it into a deeply felt thing, so I take my current feelings with a grain of salt…  but they are still there.

I miss the people I used to work with, even as I don’t miss my old job (what job…)…..

There is a position open at the university – at the level I worked in before I left for my new job.  Do I run back, tail between my legs, to the type of job I know – in an environment that I understand?

no.

I miss my friends.  Seems like it’s time for a visit.

moonfire

weak, but recovering

I’ve been down sick for a full week.  I went back to work last Thursday, after being out Wednesday with high temps and that was a mistake.  I ended up down until last night.  Enterovirus or viral meningitis for a second round… or a combination of things.  Doc doesn’t know, but the bloodwork says my white blood cell count and liver function are abnormal.  This was Friday blood.  I go in for follow up, and hopefully more healthy blood, on Wednesday.

I’m down 7lbs and I feel weak.  But I can look at the computer screen without my head screaming and I can eat real food without gagging.  I was on Norco for the pain and I’m able to be off that now, a relief.  But it was the only thing that worked on the pain, so I’m glad the doc gave it to me.

I’ve slept loads.  I’ve sweated and hallucinated loads too.

I’ve learned the importance of health insurance and there’s no way we’re going to go any longer without it.  I didn’t go to the ER on Thursday night, even though my temperature was well up over 104.  I made the choice because I didn’t want to harm my family financially, but it was a stupid, dangerous thing to do.

Even now, knowing that I did all the right things to bring down my temperature, I know that I should have gone in.  If something had gone wrong…

Well. It was stupid.

Now I have to take my final for my intermediate accounting class.  I haven’t studied.  I am going into it with a 92.92, but I expect a C for the grade…. if I’m lucky.

My counselor told me to shoot for mediocre.  Well.  Ok.  Here goes.  I’m still going to do my best but I know my best won’t be good enough – so instead, I’m going to ENJOY it.  Finally… a final with no pressure.

wow.

Time for more fluids and the test.

moonfire in recovery

so far I love the early shift…

Tired as hell, but getting off work at 2:30 in the afternoon is sweet.  I’m getting errands done that normally get pushed off because I can’t do diddly during the day.  And I’ve got some quiet time on my own before the household gets energized with the return of the boys.  I’m refusing to take a nap, but I’ll tell you… it’s really hard.  My body keeps telling me there’s a comfy bed down the hall and wouldn’t it feel nice to lay down my head for an hour or so??

Need to study for the final on Saturday and wait on a possible phone call back from Headstart.  Doesn’t look promising on the latter, however.  I understand they are swamped but I really need to talk to them.  The other person who took over as volunteer with the Mie Mie family is moving and Heather needs the help.  So I’m trying to do my best.  At least I’ve stuck in there with our weekends.  I wish I could do more.  Sigh.  Thinking about getting a lottery ticket this weekend.  Wouldn’t it be nice??

Work is “interesting.”  As in that old Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.”  I always feel like I’m right on the edge of getting in trouble there.  It’s a discomfitting feeling.  New guy made a good comment today.  He said he always gets the feeling that our researcher is grumpy.  I second that thought.  N.G. is nice.  I hope he picks things up quickly…  that place can be a bit merciless sometimes.

I’m trying to be positive and upbeat around him.  No need to feed him my frustrations.  He’ll develop his own.

But no one talked to him, explicitly, about power surges/lags or network drops and how that can impact data.  He’s been there 3 weeks now.  Someone should have stepped up!  Wait.  I think he’s been there 3 weeks.  I can’t remember now.  It’s all blending into a mash.  I’ll have to check myself on that one.

Crap.  My brain is going to mush.

Maybe I need that nap after all.

bah.

Time for bed…

Starting the early shift tomorrow.  Thoughts flicker through, implying that I’m crazy for doing this.  But I feel like I had to – for a number of reasons.

I’ll keep telling myself that.

Working on improving my attitude about things.  Trying to ignore the stress that I can feel creeping up behind my eyes.  So far, it’s going ok.  Not a huge success, but then again it’s only the start.  Why is it that things are always hardest about 4 or 5 days into a project?  The initial burst of energy subsides, leaving the monotonous plugging away at it.  And it doesn’t matter what project it is, the honeymoon always wears off.

I got through my last project for my class, did my discussion board entries for today – in both the sixth week session and the seventh.  Next Saturday I’ll take my final and say good-bye to the class, permanently.  Unless I fail miserably on the final, I’ll get a C or even a B- in the class.  I’m fine with either, really.  Perfection be damned this time.  The most fun portion of the class has been setting up the spreadsheets for the projects.  The rest has been an effort for me.  But I AM finishing it.  There’s something to be said for that.

Finished reading the second Harry Potter to Bren.  In reading it aloud I really discovered how awkwardly written some of it is.  Still, it’s a romping good story and Bren is enjoying it.  We did get the first two movies so we could keep ourselves laid out this weekend.  Aidan has been in misery with temps up at 103 and vomiting.  I had the low-grade temp and the damn headache again….  A last hurrah of this bug?  Maybe.

Bren is still spotty from the rash, so I keep telling myself that we just need to be patient and let the virus evacuate in it’s own good time.  Yeah.  Fun stuff, being patient.

Found a book:  Work’s a bitch, and then you make it work.  Trying to find ways to cope with some of the things happening that are causing me to be highly frustrated.  There’s nothing I can do about the situation(s), so I have to find ways to be at peace with it all.  Hell… I could use that advice throughout life right now.

Time to get to bed.  I’m going to kiss the boys good night and pack myself off for a good night’s sleep.  Here’s hoping that there are no nightmares, no illness in the middle of the night, and no weird busy-brain wakings for me.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  At the very least I’ll be off work at 2:30 and heading home for some peace…

cheers, moonfire

The joys of PMS

Oh yeah.  Loving this.  Emotions heaving and rolling…. Skin breaking out.

This is ridiculous.  I’m 40.  Not a damn teenager (with no offense meant for teenagers).

The small children need to mellow out.  Rash or no, they are going to end up put to bed, and soon, if they don’t settle down.

Took Meyers-Briggs (spelling?) for the zillionth time out of sheer avoidance of studying.  INFJ.  I think I usually flip between that and ENFJ…  I’m in my exhausted, anti-social phase right now… that explains the “I”… the rest?  I think it’s the usual…

Waiting to see what Todd gets as his results.  I’ve been curious for a long while.  Should be interesting.

And on that note, I’m too testy to continue.

Changing shifts, a good thing…

Starting on next Monday I will be working the 6am-2:30pm shift.  Bren’s school starts a week from that Monday and he’ll be getting out at 3:15pm each day, so even if I have a call go over, I’ll be able to get there to pick him up.  By doing this, and by having Todd take him to school each morning, we’ll save $289 per month in childcare costs.

I’m more of an early morning person anyway, so this was the right choice to make.

I won’t get my cuddle time with Aidan in the mornings though.

But I’m not heading down that thought path.  It’s not going to help matters.

I’m looking forward to having the time with Bren in the afternoons.  We’ll be picking Aidan up early on those days when Gramma Donna is out of town, and we’ll probably pick Aidan up on Friday afternoons anyway, so we can have some extra time together.

***

Bren and I had a sad little conversation yesterday…  We were at the doctor’s office – the nasty headache I had last week was viral meningitis and it transmitted to the boys, giving them the most horrific looking rash.  Sigh… nice job mom.  Anyway, I was sitting with Bren in the doctor’s office, drinking hot chocolate (I was drinking it, he was slurping it)…  I popped out with the “I wish I could be home with you each day” and he said, “I wish you were too.”  It was a passing thought, developed while sitting there, knowing I had to drive him out to his gramma’s house and then turn back to work.

Anyway, I guess I’m not alone in what I wish for.  I’ll do like we used to tell Bren, when he’d fallen down, and just “shake it off.”

***

School is fine.  I’ll survive this class.  Right now, that’s all I’m asking for.  I get through this weekend and next weekend I can take my final, then have about a week’s break before the next session starts up.  I need the break.  I’m excited about my next class, Essentials of Information Systems and Programming…  I really love the book.  Such a relief after this last text.  Ugh.  Doesn’t bear thinking about, really.

***

I hesitate to write this next little bit, but thought I’d put it out there anyway.  I’ve had this happen before, so if it’s happening now, well…. that is how life goes sometimes.  I suspect, but can’t confirm, that the things my then-future boss and I talked about during the interviewing process are not going to come to pass.  I don’t know if it’s me and I’m not living up to his expectations, or if perhaps it’s simply that plans are changing/morphing.  It’s simply an intuitive sense I have right now.  Again, nothing concrete and nothing has been said.

I ask myself if I regret the decision to do this and the answer is still a firm no.  Will I stay long-term in tech support?  Probably not past the point at which Mark returns.  I enjoy it and I love my customers (mostly), but the pressure we are under on a constant basis is hard for me.  Not the working hard, but being pinned between the needs/wants/expectations of the customers and the needs/wants/expectations of the company.  Perhaps I simply haven’t developed enough of a “shell” to protect myself.

I think the worst of this feeling I’m developing is the fact that I received a starting wage appropriate to the level of development I had and have gone through.  I’m worlds ahead of where I was, although I have worlds to go still…

Am I wrong to be wanting to move out of probation with an appropriate salary increase?

Title be damned, really.  If plans have changed, I can live with that.  I already have more than enough pressure placed on me.

***

I suppose I just need to turn my brain to other, more productive things.  I’ve been imagining a black wooden box, strapped in wrought-iron.  I’ve stuffed a lot of things inside that box, closed it up, and locked it down tight.  I don’t have any urge to open it right now.  If someone tries to talk to me about some of the issues that I’ve tucked in there, I’m just going to change the subject and move on.  So far things only go into the box.  Nothing is coming out of it.

Down the road?  Well, then I may take a look and see what I think.

For now, it’s has a purpose.

***

Fall is going to be here in a few short weeks.  Once this oppressive heat gives up the ghost for good, I’ll see if I can’t recover some energy.  You never know….

cheers… moonfire

Random thoughts on a Sunday

I’m getting ready to settle in and do this week’s course readings, but wanted to take a moment to write out some random thoughts before they escape me.  Still battling the last bits of that crappy headache.  Lived on Darvocet for the last two days and, sadly, I’m feeling the “after-effects” of it.  Blech.

Brennan appears to be in the recovery stage of Fifth’s Disease, based on the weird red patterning on his cheeks.  He looked pretty glassy for a bit, but seems to be coming out of it nicely.  I was really impressed to learn that he was infectious BEFORE the symptoms showed up and the incubation period is long enough that we might not be out of the woods with Aidan yet.  Yay.

And Aidan is seriously in the “Twos” stage.  Holy crap.  All that stuff about being mellow?  Blown out of the water completely.

He still looks like angel when he’s asleep though… and he sure is a cuddly guy.

I got my midterm grade.  I got about 10% points higher than I expected or deserved.  It’s an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that I didn’t deserve the grade I got.  But what do you do?  It’s not really appropriate to go back to the prof on the course and say, “I’m really sorry, but I didn’t deserve that grade and could you please re-evaluate it… lower?”

I just submitted my second project (there’s one more to go).  I actually think I did well on it.  If I lose any points, it’s because of something small and stupid that I missed.  I reviewed my work on it (done in Excel) and it looks good.  I had an issue with the freight-out number listed, but decided that’s a selling cost and shouldn’t be included in the cost of the ending inventory…  If it bites me on the ass, well, I’ll take my lumps on it.  Nowhere in the reading or on the web could I find that it was included and, based on past readings, my take on it is correct.

We’ll see.

I read the first chapter of my programming logic book.  I LOVE the writer’s style.  It’s an older book and it’s done in a great way.  She not only connects with the reader (even if the assumption appears to be that I’m an 18-year old college student), but she also brings in her experiences.  Her examples are succinct, yet clear and descriptive.  The book is not bloated with extraneous material (a huge bonus in my estimation).  The book is not language-dependent, so I’m getting the essentials of the programming process, all without being blown away by a specific language’s syntax.

Given the choice between reading my accounting material and reading the programming/networking material… well, the latter subjects win hands-down, but I’m not going to abandon ship on my class.  I still have a shot at getting a B in the class, so I’m trying to pull it together.  If I do manage the B, I’ll be glad of it and not regret the time spent.  If I get a lower grade, I’ll just celebrate to have made it through.  Luckily, my GPA is rock-solid.  I hate to blow my 4.0, but we all have to take our lumps sometimes.

My friend, Lisa, has her undergraduate accounting degree and right now I want to go up to her and say, “How the hell did you make it through all this?????”

She must have amazing fortitude.

It just occurred to me that I always thought she’d go into engineering.  Personally, I think she would have made a killer engineer.  She has the soul of an artist…. and a great mind.

To a couple of my friends out there who read me and haven’t heard from me lately, I’m sorry.  I miss you guys – all of you…  Chris – where the hell are you?  Helen – yes, drinks and soon.  Rachel – I know… I’m a lame-ass friend but I’ve been thinking about you and I’m wondering if we can’t get the boys together to play.  Ann – I thought of you this past week and we need to have lunch.  It’ll have to be on a weekend, though.  Weekdays are completely out due to my job.

To my more distant friends out there.  I miss you too.  I might be resurfacing a bit…  I’m trying to NOT be overwhelmed with school and work and all that stuff.   I still feel crazy some days though…

Cheers to all.  Time to go to the bookstore.  I’m joining my friend in a book group.  Scheduled social time.  Awesome!!!!

moonfire

Migraine or sinuses?

Can’t tell but I’m dizzy and my tummy is doing an unpleasant dance.  Left work.  Going to sleep some more and see if I can weather the worst of it.

Whatever it is… it can leave now.

A two steps forward kind of day…

Monday was awful.  It was one of those days when I felt awful and couldn’t get anywhere with anything I did at work.  I don’t know that I can describe it beyond that….  I hate feeling ineffective and like I’ve been placed in a situation where I feel like I’m failing.  Monday was one of those days.

Then Tuesday and today were different – tough, but better.

I know I have high expectations of myself and the midterm this weekend didn’t exactly help, but beyond that I really want to do well.  As I’ve expressed before, a lot is riding on this for me AND my family.  Not that it places much pressure on me, or anything like that…

I’m still feeling a bit at sea about school.  I’m questioning how focused I am.  And these are short classes, so losing focus is a big mistake.

I got a tension headache at work today.  I mentioned in passing that I was getting a headache and it was heading down my shoulder and my boss said it was tension.  Until the point he said it, I didn’t even realize that I was dealing with tension.  We’re slammed… our researcher is out of the office, doing on-site training for the week.  And we’re down one staffer – or rather, we’ve got her replacement, but this is his first week and he’s at least a week or two (AT LEAST) from taking calls on his own.  Honestly, I’d prefer he get his full allotment of time to learn and get comfortable.  He shouldn’t be pressured to dive in until he feels ready.  That wouldn’t be fair for him.

So it’s me, the senior rep, and our boss.. we’re picking up the slack.  Three of us trying to do it.  Any wonder why I’m stressed?

I know that we can only do what we can do.  We can’t do more than we’re accomplishing, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the pressure.

Now I’m home and I’d like to take a nice bath, with bubbles, write a bit, and then go to bed early.  I’m tired…  I got to work at 6:40 am and left at 5pm.  I chose to do it and there were business reasons for it.  I stand by the decision.  But I do hope I get a raise when I hit the end of my probation – that’s in less than 2 weeks.  I work hard.  I think I deserve it.

On the family front, Aidan is in full on “Two Year Old” mode.  It’s tough.  Seriously tough.  There are times when I’d like duct-tape him to the wall to give all of us, including the dog, a break from it.

Other times?  I just want to kiss him all over his little face.

Bren’s hanging in there, but sometimes I wander if he isn’t going to lose his mind…

Ok….  I’m toast.  The temperatures are going to start dropping tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.  It will be a massive blessing.  If I can hang in there, things should be good.  Time for that bubble bath.  And dreams about cool breezes, Fall weather, deep sleep, a new day…

moonfire

…that hurt.

I’m fighting some kind of bug… likely something the kids infected me with, so I’m just prefacing this with that nugget.  I feel crappy and I’m running a low-grade temp.

So I took my mid-term today.  Blew it in grand style.  I’ll get the grade next week, but I imagine it’s somewhere between a 65 and 70%.  Doesn’t mean things are toast for the class, but it’s going to be uphill to survive to the end of this class.

I’ve been feeling under-the-weather for about four days now.  Not something I need in the 4th week of class, but that’s where I am.

I’ve got things fixed for next session, so hopefully it won’t suck as bad as this one has.  I don’t know if I’m cut out for this.  Maybe I’m just not.  Maybe I just want to go back to knowing that I’m going to work a long, long time for very little money but I’ll be with my family, enjoying our time together…

Being sick is dragging me down both mentally and emotionally, so I take what I’m thinking and feeling and step back, knowing that my thoughts are being tinged by the effects of the heat and the fever.  Not a good time to be assessing my academic future OR my lifetime stretching out ahead of me, right?

I’m stunned though.  It’s been a long time since I’ve really done that poorly on a test.  I told Todd it was as if I’d been studying Spanish for the semester, came into the test and it was on French…. similar but different.

Ouch.

And my head feels blech.

And my tummy.

And these damned cysts need to get a life and move out, permanently.

Wah, wah, wah…

Ahh, that feels marginally better.

Things are odd at work.  Not because of me, but just because of circumstances that don’t have anything to do with me but still impact me.  One of our team is gone and I really liked her.  I don’t know the full story and, frankly, it isn’t any of my business, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

As I’ve said before (I think), I’m working harder there than I have anywhere else and I’m beginning to worry that I’m going to burn out.  I’m trying to find ways to let things go.  Apparently blowing things up and battling alien cultures helps, so I’m playing my game a bit.  And reading light, unimportant fiction helps too.  Sadly, it impinges on my study time.

But when you deal with something all day, it’s hard to come home and study it.  Ironic, isn’t it?  I wanted to work in my field of study and instead I find myself exhausted.

Still loving the networking book though.  I do seriously love hands on things…

That’s it.  I’m toast.  I need to drink more fluids and hope that the day doesn’t go by too quickly.

moonfire.