patience is not my virtue

It could be argued that I’m not extremely virtuous to begin with and I could debate what being virtuous entails, but let’s get back to patience.

First though – Kari – I’ve found the pictures.  Now I need to scan them and email them to you.  It will happen, I promise… this is just a crummy time of year … see following. (hugs)

I now have 5 finals and one capstone course left in my MPA.  Good choice.  Obvious choice.  Not sure why I didn’t think of it before I finally got on the ball.  In my defense, we offer that program at my university, so it seemed odd to get the degree somewhere else.  Our program doesn’t allow online or weekend completion, so there you are.

Busy time at work.  Beginning of the aid year for 11-12 and being in financial aid is zoo-like at the best of times.  Now it’s bad enough that I feel slightly insane.  Sense of humor has kicked in, although my suspicion is that I’m the only one at work who gets it.  Bad news for me.

Finished my final yesterday.  Have 300+ pages to read by next Sunday and this is NOT light reading.  Will take it a piece at a time and see how it goes.  Wish thoughts of comprehension my way as it is the legal and ethical environment of business and a  second class, government management.  Yes, two classes in one term.  I will complete 4 this fall so I can graduate in April.  Full time graduate school and full time work.

We can all state, without argument:  I am insane.

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when you realize you’re not really a nice person after all…

I got into a stupid issue with a person at work.  She is really angry with me and I will admit it, I got really angry with her back.  Partly, and this is no effort to defend myself, she was being dense about something and I was sick, trying to go home for the day.  I lost my patience and I said something that she took very, very wrong.

The anger has dispersed and now I just feel crummy about it.  Hurting other people, even making them mad, makes me cringe.  It’s really against who I want to be as a person.

But what this has really triggered for me is the realization that perhaps, deep down inside I had really reached my limit with her and I DID want to lash out.  Maybe I’m not a nice person in the end.  I’m sure there is more than one ex-friend who will attest to this.  It makes me wonder…  Can you still be a “mostly nice” person?  How much credit do we give ourselves for our supposed niceness?  If you peel back your layers, look closely, and assess – are you really a nice person and is that the same or different from being good?

I feel more and more awful about the incident.  I tried to apologize and it was totally and aggressively rejected.  Perhaps that’s what I’m really feeling so awful about.  I tried to meet her in the middle and she tossed it back at me.

I don’t know.  I think losing patience with someone is legitimate.  I think getting angry and upset as a response to the person’s anger can be legitimate.  I’m just not quite so sure what to do from here.  Her week was already crummy.  I made it worse.  I want to cry for doing that and surely that’s not an emotionally mature way to deal with.  I guess, then, that I’m still just a kid – hitting out at someone and then realizing, after they’ve got the bruise, that I really sucked for doing it.

If it’s any consolation to her (I doubt it), I feel bad and I’m going to feel bad for a long time.   Whether or not it was legitimate that she got mad at me or if it was legitimate that I finally let things out…  it sucks to be the bad guy.

moonfire

mixed bag

Blood work results back from Monday.  I was having lithium toxicity, so my dose is reduced to 300 mg.  Will try alternative med if still have toxicity level, but I’m crossing fingers that it all goes well.  Maybe my dizziness will now abate, along with the tremors and the constant peeing.  Might regain a bit of my concentration ability and that would make me cheer.

Had a scare at work today, however, in the end the big boss gave me the correct information I needed and I’m good to keep continuing on my chosen field.  There must truly be an element of insanity in me, as I keep working there, even in the face of the stress and the incredibly whiny people.  Did tell the psychiatrist today that the benefit I am seeing with the lithium is that people aren’t pissing me off as much.  Good deal for someone working in financial aid.

I got my thread postings done tonight, so I won’t be losing points there.  I’ve got a 95.58% and would prefer to keep a solid A going into the final.

Mum is staying with us for a period of time (as yet undetermined) while she begins recovery from foot surgery.  I like being able to take care of her.  It feels right.  I wish our crappy little house was more ADA compliant, but that’s how it goes.  She’ll like be tired of it within a few days, but we’ll try to keep her happy.  (Kari – the kids are talking mum’s ear off… it’s really sweet!)

Tomorrow evening is my appointment with Sheila.  I’m getting to a point in my sessions with her where I open up and admit where the failings are… and I don’t feel unsafe doing it.  In a strange way, this is my opportunity to do something for myself, when that has been missing for a long while.

I guess I’d better go to sleep.  I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

moonfire