did I say I feel crappy?

I don’t know what the hell I’ve caught, but I feel beyond crappy and I’m verging on completely shitty.  Excuse the bad language, but if you felt as bad as I do right now, you’d understand.  Here’s the worst part… I don’t feel 100% sick and apparently most of the symptoms just kind of hide out until I need energy the most, then, BAMM! there they are.

This sucks.

Being up, blogging or not, at 1:30 am, really sucks too.

Oh well.

Time for a shower and then I’m heading off with my mum and the boys to find sneakers for Aidan.  I want to have something he’ll actually keep on his feet and I want to take him to run around in the park when the weather cools off.  This may all turn into wishful thinking.  I can’t even keep socks on the child.  Perhaps bare feet in cold rain or snow will convince him of the necessity??

Stubborn child.

Ok.  Tub time for mummy.  I’d love to do something fun with the boys today, but it’s all I can do to stay upright and even that’s a bit unsure.  I feel like I’ve got the flu, only without all the vomiting, etc.  It’s going through our office, and, apparently, our house.

Oh yeah!  The mend show last night rocked.  This is the word I’ve gotten, although I wasn’t able to attend because I needed to look after the kids.  I missed out big time and I didn’t get to meet Dominique, who sounds like a fantastic person.  I’m bummed.

…here I go.  Dragging my saggy butt into the bathroom.  Poor mum, I hope she can deal with wussy daughter.  I just want to be put out of my misery right now.

moonfire.

Wow… most interesting election year in a long time

Ok, so no matter how you shake it down, this is already one of the most interesting election years in a long, long time.  Then along comes McCain’s announcement Friday and it suddenly gets even more interesting.  So I’m awake in the middle of the night, feeling crappy sick, and I decided I might as well toss my 2-cents into the fray….  I logged into WordPress and lo – here is a blog from an Alaskan about his governor and who she is…

http://mudflats.wordpress.com/2008/08/29/what-is-mccain-thinking-one-alaskans-perspective/

Now the interesting thing is this, I’m from Idaho.  I understand conservative politics, to a certain degree, because we live mired in it.  And yes, from my wording you can probably tell that I’m not conservative.  I’m not ultra-liberal, but I’m a far, far cry from Palin and her beliefs.

As a woman, I was initially interested to hear that McCain had chosen her, but I do tend to agree with the opinion floating out there that this was done to grab women’s votes.  Now he got an extra bonus out of her because she is so massively conservative.  Here’s where women will need to think, particularly if they are independent or pro-women’s rights…  Palin comes from a background and philosophical leaning that will not do good for a huge portion of the women in this country.  I know, this is a broad, sweeping statement to make.  This is my opinion and we all know opinions often aren’t worth the paper they are written on, but here’s the thing…  anytime you get someone in a position of power, with a voice that can be heard by so many, that voice has sway.  No matter what conservatives believe, or far-left liberals for that matter, our leaders represent a population that is diverse.  We are a country made up with people all along the spectrum.  From way out there right-wing to way out on the other end left-wing.  We have men, women, and pretty much every ethnicity you can imagine.

I’m concerned when I see a ticket that is so obviously out on that one end.  I’m still trying to learn what I can about Obama-Biden, so I’ll deal with that opinion when the time comes up, but McCain-Palin concerned me enough to write it up now.  My honey is more vocal than I am and I’m sure he’ll have a few things to say, likely pretty liberal.  I’ll leave that up to him.  I’m trying to maintain a bit of my mid-road opinion.

At least I was until yesterday.  Now, I make no secret of my detesting GW.  Good grief!  The man is like finger nails on a chalk board.  Smirky little grin and his very obvious personal agendas from day one of his first term in office.  He’s enough to send anyone over to the left, as far as I’m concerned!

I digress.  Frequently, it appears.  I hope folks will take the time to learn about this newcomer to the big polictical arena… I hope, but don’t expect it.  She has already said something that made my “concern” antennas go up:  “…until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day. I’m used to being very productive and working real hard in an administration. We want to make sure that that VP slot would be a fruitful type of position, especially for Alaskans and for the things that we’re trying to accomplish up here….”  [the author of this quote, in the blog link above, noted the items of concern by bolding them and I’m maintaining that]

Boy… where to start with this quote…  unclear on the role of VP or the fact that she is upfront about her bias towards Alaskans.  Has anyone explained to her that this is an elected role for the nation?

I’ll leave this alone for a while and wait to see what else she has to say.  I’ve got a few suspicions about her and it’ll be interesting to see how it plays out.

Here’s the part that makes this election year so interesting:  We either end up with the first African American President or the first woman Vice President.  From a sociological standpoint, this is really interesting.  Those staunch power-elite “old white dudes” can’t win either way and that appeals to my sense of humor.  I keep betting mentally though, that they’re going to love the pretty lady from Alaska who is ultra-conservative.  And that thought gives me chills.

I can tell you this, though, I won’t be casting my vote for her.  Sorry.  This is one woman who doesn’t agree with her idealogy and I don’t think she can meet enough folks in the middle.  I’ll keep listening to what she has to say, but this is one Idahoan woman that isn’t buying this particular choice.

Cheers in the middle of the night,
moonfire.

Just tired now

I went to the gathering this afternoon.  It’s really hard for me to be in public when I feel grief.  I don’t like funerals.  I believe in the memories of a person, not the emptiness that comes afterwards…  but today I felt like I wanted to be with the community who cared so much about her.  I’ve read the remembrances that people have been writing on KTVB.com…  each of those words seems to echo what I’m feeling too.

I don’t want my memories to be overwhelmed by how she lost her life.  But right now that’s what I feel.  It’s so wrong.  I know, logic has no place in this.  Yesterday someone told me that you have to just let your feelings happen.  I’m trying, but I still fight them.  I think about how much she touched my life, influenced so many things that I’ve tucked into my intellectual being.  That’s what I want to remember… not the pictures of the fire.

I’m going to go hug my sons.  Later this evening I’m going to pull out my book and print off some of the articles for my class.  I’m not going to waste my education, so hard won at this point.  Instead, I’m going to get myself together, shake myself off and pursue my dream.  That’s one of the things I learned back in her class.  Do it.  Perservere and keep trying.  And if you’re having a rough time, don’t call too early in the morning!  Damn.  I’d love to tell her that the pudgy, nursing mom in her Spring 2003 LI 305 is going to be a librarian.  I think she’d see the humor in it.

moonfire.

the end of the day

I need to do some reading for my program.  I could actually make a long list of things I need to do.  The truth is that I’m completely worn down.  The crappy thing is that I need to shake myself up, regroup, and start doing the important things that will make a difference for my family.

First, though, I shut down the computer tonight and just sat in the living room and played with my kids.  If this was my last night with them, that’s how I’d want it to be.  Tomorrow morning, fates willing, I’ll get up early, get my kids distributed to grandparents and school, then I’ll head off to a big day at my existing work space.  I’m going to do my very best to treat those people like the great folks they are.  Tomorrow night I’ll get the boys to bed and then I’ll crack into all the materials I need to tackle.

For tonight, I slowed myself down.  I had to.  I’m trying to stay up right now, just long enough to hug my honey when he gets home from class.  Mum took me and the boys out to dinner.  I told her it was like juggling cats to eat, converse with her and my oldest, and, oh yeah, eat.  Ultimately, my day ended with the people that are most important to me.  After the events of the last 24 hours, I think I made the right choice.

I’m not avoiding my responsibilities, or my academic obligations (and the associated future/dreams that go with it), instead I had to take a bit of time to think on things.

Time to wind down and begin to collect myself.  I’ll keep saying it… tomorrow is a new day.  I keep finding myself sitting here… staring at the screen… writing things, then deleting them.  I know I said the why of it in my post prior to this one.  I just can’t seem to walk away from the thoughts about it all quite yet.  The most absurd thought I had today was how it could be such a lovely day.  Really?  How could it?

So here’s the request I’m sending out:  Please, please, please hug your family.  Even the ones that are making you nuts…  Kiss their faces.  Listen to them.  We are all so fragile.

moonfire.

a goodbye

I’m trying to find the words to express this and bear with me, because I am struggling.  A professor from my undergraduate degree died last night in a horrible fire here in Boise.  I loved her class.  I deeply admired her and my memories of her are wonderful.  I’ve been traveling back and forth between crying and remembering.

Just this past weekend I was thinking about her and her class.  Today I’ve been remembering those funny moments I had in my time around her.  I learned from her academically, but I also learned from her personally.  I remember asking her about a part of our linguistics class… this was in one of her great study sessions… I asked her if the area we were studying was intuitive.  She stopped for a moment and then told me, “Yes.  For about 1% of the population.”  She had a beautiful smile, a wonderful sense of humor and she gave her students all of herself.  I came out of her class wanting to change over to linguistics, even though I was far too deep into my major to do it.

I had a small baby back then…  I had to bring him to class with me and she just accepted it, made a cool comment about starting him off right.  She played guitar for us…  She cared about us.  She taught us…

So here’s what I want to say to her…  I miss your class and I miss you.  I wish I’d grabbed that enjoyment of learning from you and taken more of your classes, but I’m glad that I got the experience that I did.  You touched my life.  To your family – I am so, so sorry that you lost her.  All those of us that she gave so much to are out here, keeping her spirit alive.

And to the teachers out there…  this is how much you impact your students.  You can be the one that your students will always remember.  What you do is important.  You make a difference.

Goodbye Mary Ellen.  Your memories are a part of my life.

First day!

We’re sitting here, waiting to go over to the school.  I don’t think Bren got to bed early enough, thanks to my flight schedule.  I have to change that or it’s going to turn into a problem.

So much to do and my head is reeling with it.  Things keep flying into my conscious thought…  book next flights, schedule doctor’s appointments, schedule dentist appointments, fill out my planner, find a computer (hand-held or laptop), endless to-do items for work, homework for me, homework for Bren…

Is it any wonder that I’m already tired and the day has barely started?  I’m looking at the pile of bills to pay and sort on my desk and I can feel my energy draining away.

I’ve got Bren pre-occupied, playing at the kitchen table with the Lego kits I brought him from Portland.  His attention is focused on them, so I can take a moment and assess my day.  It’s not just the first day for the school district, it’s also the first day for our university.  We’re expecting it to be insane.  Great… I just yawned.  It’s not even 8am and already I’m yawning.

I guess I need some protein and fiber to get me going.  This means that I need to shut the computer down.  It just feels good, venting out some of this anxiety and the feelings that I’m a bit overwhelmed right now.

Time to eat.  Happy First Day of School!
moonfire.

I’m home!

A quick note before bed.  I’m home, with my boys, from my first weekend of grad school.  The challenge now is to fill in all the blanks and become extremely knowledgeable in the areas we’ve been introduced to …  and work on the group project, all before we have our second meeting in September.  Crazy, anyone?

Bren has his first day of school tomorrow.  I don’t know who’s more excited… him or me.  I have no idea what’s happening with his before- and after-school care, so this may be tricky.

I don’t get to see Todd until tomorrow morning.  After being gone for a couple days, I’d really like to see my honey.  Through the miracle of sleeping pills, I was actually able to get good sleep while I was gone.  Sadly, many in my cohort weren’t able to do the same.  I would have been toast without them, so YAY AMBIEN!

I’m headed to bed now.  Tomorrow will be an early day.  Baby boy gets to go off to Gramma’s by himself, while Big Brother takes on the world of crayons and academia.  I bet Big Brother wins.

I missed my boys so much that it was almost a public scene.  Too many kids at the Saturday Farmer’s Market in Portland.  Everywhere I looked, there they were.

Kissing my babies tonight was heaven.

And I learned some great things about life.  Could it be that I finally have found my path as a grown-up?  Miracles do happen…

I also “volunteered” to be treasurer for our student group.  Exciting stuff and good for my resume.  Funny story about it and I’ll report in when I have a few free minutes this next couple of days.

So happy to be home,
moonfire…

Fewer minutes in each day

Sorry, I’ve got insomnia and it’s 1:30 in the morning on Thursday, so I thought I’d take a quick moment to update.

Work was freaking me out, mostly because a critical part of the information I needed was missing.  It appears that may or may not be given to me in the format I really need, but now I have the “big boss” on my team, so I think I’ll be on the right track by the middle of next week and I can live with that.

I am discovering that I have very little free time already, even though my classes only got underway yesterday (for the online course) and my first face-to-face weekend is starting tomorrow.  That said, I am unlikely to have many minutes to blog…  So I’ll post when I can, but it may not be much.

I think life just got accelerated to the next level.  It was kind of unexpected, but here I am.  My new job has amazing potential and it might actually help me a bit as I attempt to move forward.  What may well be the hardest part is getting my toe in the door with a library.  I am now looking at an even bigger disparity between what I earn now and what I’ll have to take in order to make the move.  Given that I have to support our family, I’m in a pickle.

More on that later.  Time to return to bed.

moonfire.

Catching up

Boy.  Where to begin?

Orientation was great last weekend and I learned a big lesson…  I need sleep.  Wait!  I already knew that!  But, holy crap, did I learn it again this weekend.  My fellow cohortians (as we apparently are dubbing each other and I like it) are a fascinating and diverse group.  I’ve met folks who are in the same boat as me:  working full time with young children…  those who have no library work experience…  and all of them are nice.

I cannot believe how fortunate I am to be heading off on this amazing adventure with them.

So mum picked me up at 5am in order to have me up to the airport in time for my flight.  It left Boise at 6:20 am and I arrived in Portland at 6:30.  I followed the instructions from the Tri-Met fellow, only to ultimately find out that he left me about 15 minutes (walking) short of where I needed to go.  That’s not what his instructions showed, so I’ve learned my lesson already.  I’ll use the Tri-Met website in order to get instructions to my hotel (near campus, thankfully) and I should be just fine.

Anyway, a really nice transit cop helped me out, as did a Portlander, and I finally found my way to PSU.  So I arrive at my building for class at 8:30 am and class isn’t until 10am.  I’m starving and I head off, still on foot, to find food.  That’s when I found the Saturday Farmer’s Market on PSU campus.  OH!  Fantastic.  I munched a freshly made mini-quiche-like tart on the steps with other relaxed folk, all while I drank blueberry soda.  I took pictures and I’ll figure out how to load them, but right now I’m dead tired.

We made it through our day of orientation, the details of which I promise to share, but again… see above…. I’m tired.  The people are all completely interesting to me.  The director, Perri, and the assistant director, Lori, are amazing and wonderful.  I felt at home and excited and also completely exhausted from my day (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the dog woke me up at 3:30 am and I never got back to sleep).

Early- to mid-afternoon, I faded and it was all I could do to hang in there.  I won’t be doing that again.  I really wish that I’d flown in and stayed overnight but that’s an expense I didn’t need, so lesson learned for the future.

Anyway, orientation ended about 4pm-ish, and I trundled my tired self back on the light rail to the airport.  In order to get down the hill to the light rail, I walk with a lovely lady named Kelsie, who chatted with me and kept me focused on where I was going.  I really appreciated the company as I’m still slightly unnerved about walking about alone in a city that I don’t know.  I suppose that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I had dinner at the airport and laughed with a group of really funny ladies who had traveled over from Boise with me on that early flight.  They’d come over to Portland area to attend a big pow wow.  They cracked me up endlessly and I truly think they made the flight home zoom by.

It was so good to see mum at the airport, picking me up.  And I missed my boys, even though I was only gone a day.  It was a neat day, filled with people, places, and events… It felt like a hundred years, all packed into one hasty day.  Nothing is so good as being back home though, even as I prepare to fly back out on Friday.

I’m so lucky to be a part of this cohort.  I’m equally lucky to be with my family.  Balancing both is going to be a huge challenge for me, but I’m not alone.  Somehow, that makes it just a bit easier.

In the next day or so, I’ll try to write about the new job.  It’s an adventure in and of itself.  Life is crazy.  But it’s good.

moonfire.

End of the first day…

I’m exhausted.  But it’s the perfect fit for me.  I did the right thing.  It requires all of my strengths and few of my weaknesses.

Even more, it’s a fresh start for me.  That’s something that I seriously needed.

Then… tonight, Todd and I went to a dinner at my former dean’s home, with my old department.  I got to chat with people and it was good.  I was happy to have this chance to say good-bye, informally, to many of the people I worked with.

I even saw the Diva and Todd got to meet her.  In a brief conversation she said something to me that was the first truly genuine thing…  She told me that this was a much better fit for me and she is absolutely right.  Maybe she wasn’t as dense as I thought.  I think, more likely, that she had become frustrated with me towards the end.  I don’t blame her, but am just glad that I’m out of it.  I learned that you can bend yourself to fit new things, but if you don’t play to your strengths, you won’t help anyone.

And today was an incredible experience.  My defacto title is “Office Administrator,” even if that isn’t my employment classification.  I have much to learn, but I bring the skills that are necessary for that office.  I’m excited to set things up and I have substantial leeway on how I do it.  What I see most of all is how everything I’ve done over the years so perfectly suits what I’ll be doing.  I also see that I have the potential with the department/office for quite a while…. an element of stability that will be a nice foundation to work from while I get my degree.

Tomorrow I have the opportunity to get a great deal of direction from my new boss, even as it’s her last day with the department.  I’m going to glean what I can and I’m going to start formulating my plan.  I have a lot of work ahead of me, and that doesn’t even include what I’ll be doing for school.  Staying organized and flexible is going to be key.

I don’t want to let the department down and I don’t want to let my two staff down.  I don’t want to be like the Diva – driving the folks in the department to drink because I am not doing a good job for them.  I’ve got a lot to learn and my ears/eyes/mind are open.

I’ve got a choice right now… I can do my best and work hard or I can fold under the pressure and scariness of how new some of this is.  The key, this time versus last, is I’m in my element.

Ultimately, it’s all about people – about treating them well and with respect – about remembering that we’re all stuck working full time in order to care for our families.  The best thing we can do is take care of each other and stick together.

I refuse to get overwhelmed.  I refuse to worry about things I can’t control and I absolutely refuse to let negativity back into my world.  It’s been there too long now and it’s time for me to shine.

Time for bed.  I’m tired and I want to let sleep take over for now.  Tomorrow is another day and Saturday is my big adventure back into academia.  I’ve kissed my boys and I’ve had a wonderful night out with my honey – life is very, very good.

Sometimes the tough road is just the road to take to find out where you should truly be…
moonfire.