Nature goes nuts

It snowed today.  Yes, it is May 22nd and it SNOWED today.  I’m sure there are places where this might happen, once in a while, but not here.

And yet it did.

The fact that is snowed suggests that today is a day when just about anything can happen.

Bren’s scout troop volunteered at the food bank this morning- for three hours.  Todd said it was a great experience and the statistics were eye-opening.  It is stunning that they did so much this morning and it doesn’t meet the need.  I find it disheartening that so many have so much, while others are left behind.  I’m glad Bren had this experience and we need to find a way to keep up the opportunities to help.

We also had the Mie Mie kids over this afternoon, plus the two other boys who have become a part of our little “herd.”  I won’t get to see them for almost a month, thanks to traveling to see my family, my research paper, and my final.  But I made sure they know when they’ll see us again and I arranged that we’ll be getting together two Saturdays in a row in June.

I may not be their “teacher” anymore, but at least I’m still a part of their lives.  I’ll keep saying it over and over… my goal is to see those kids graduate from college.  And I was tired this morning, worn out from bad sleep last night and the exhausting week that I just survived, so I could feel that I was dragging a bit at the thought of bringing everyone over.  The funny thing is that once they were here and we were getting settled in, it felt so right, just like it always does.

I’ve pondered it a few times, wondering at my deep, subconscious motivation for doing this.  It hit me this afternoon that it is tiring but it is fun.  The children bring me joy.  I love that my boys have these kids in their lives, making it richer in experience because of the friendship.  I love that the littlest girl is so comfortable in our house and makes herself right at home.  I love seeing the older girl and how she has blossomed.  I’m so proud of all of them for being these great kids, even though things aren’t easy for them.  I wish I could do more.

I wish that with my kids too.

Instead, I’ll just do my best.  And maybe that is enough for now.

It’s a cold, almost wintery evening.  Who would have thought that could happen in May?  Then again, it’s a weird world we live in and you just never know.

We’re going to persuade Todd to make chocolate chip cookies and I’m thinking about busting out the hot chocolate.  Aidan is pooped and he’s going to bed early tonight.  Bren is pretty wiped out too, but I think he’ll hang in there for fresh-baked cookies.

Me?  I’m heading to bed early because I have a serious date with the university library tomorrow.  I’m going to write up this draft paper, do my thread postings and then I’m going to settle in for the evening (free) to enjoy the finale of Lost. Yes.  Todd and I are massively into Lost.  It has been a long time in coming so I’d better get some answers tomorrow night.  Or I’m going to be one testy woman.

That’s it. Time to finish banana with Aidan and prep for a quiet evening.

cheers from one tired moonfire

Kids are in bed, now the quiet time begins

We had our book time (Brennan read to his brother) and now I’m winding down for the day.  It has been an incredibly tiring and long week, filled with learning, some drama, and a sense of rightness.

It is interesting how “arriving,” for lack of a better term, can feel so mellow.  And there is a demarcation in how I feel “pre” and “post” professional, if that makes sense.   When I think of the emotions that accompany all of this, I think of the color blue.  This isn’t a case of feeling blue, but rather every time I think about my feelings about what I’m doing, what the future holds for me professionally and what might be, I get the sensation of the color blue… in varying shades from a vivid, Caribbean teal to a gentle, icy medium blue to deep, velvety navy.

Given this sensation, which is difficult to fully express, I’m going to find things to inhabit and decorate my office that work in the blue/green spectrum.  I want a sense of calm.  I don’t need vivid colors for energy and creativity… my intuition is telling me that I need things emphasizing calm, peace, finding a center.

Yes, I’m sensitive to the aesthetic around me, so this is important – even if it seems silly.

The other thing that comes to me whenever I think about this new circumstance is the sensation of smelling damp earth and rain forest.

Blue, earth, and peaty, mossy trees.

I don’t know that I fully understand it, but even writing about it I can feel the sensation of the odor of it in the roof of my mouth.  (and no, it’s not our house… believe me – it’s filled with the odors of dog fur, laundry soap, small boys, and stinky people shoes)

I guess what I’m wondering is if this is my body’s way of translating these new, unfamiliar emotions into something that I can understand?

Or am I simply one step closer to nuts?

I have no idea.

It’s the end of the day and I have a lot to do tomorrow, as well as the weekend.  I’m not going to fret over it now.  I’ll find the time and the space to get it all done.

dammit.  I had written more and some ridiculous thing happened with my cursor.  Some days I wonder…

…maybe this is my signal to give it up and get my butt in bed.  The kids are quiet now, so I can probably get in a good night’s sleep before the craziness of tomorrow creeps up on me.

good night from the strange world of moonfire

holy scheduling Batman.

I’m going insane with all the due dates and projects hitting.  And it’s not my stuff… It’s mine, Brennan’s and Todd’s, plus the upcoming trip.  I’m feeling like my head is going to spin off.

Ok.  That felt good.  It’s off my chest.

Now I”m going to read this paperwork, read my text for class and sleep.

Dinner?  Had tea and appetizers with a dear friend tonight.  We oohed and ahhed over hummus and pita, as well as tomato tortillas and mango salsa.

Now I’m feeling like a cup of herbal tea would be nice but honestly? I want sleep more.  Or a hot bath.  It’s a toss up.

Right now I wish there were two of me.  Just for a few days.

moonfire

I am tired, very tired.

I have some things that I need to do but my brain is zapped and my body is wiped out.  It’s 9pm and I finally got dinner about 10 minutes ago.  It seems like this was an endless day and I suppose that’s ok, but I could seriously use about 12 hours of sleep.

I am learning a lot at work.  If I stop to consider it for a moment, it sinks in how little I know and how far I have to go.  I seriously hope I’m worth all the work for them.  I like the people there – a lot.  We all seem to feel the same way about the combination of talents it takes to be successful there and it gives me some peace.

I will have to find my own sense of resolution about the situation with the hiring.  I dislike the sense that I am starting off on the wrong foot because of this (with people other than my boss and peers), but I also have to believe that those in charge know what they are doing.

Tomorrow is a new day to keep working hard and trying to absorb as much as is possible.  Some is familiar.  Some is bordering on familiar and some is alien to me.  I will need to learn the locations of things, the terminology and the patterns of the office.  I’m good with all of this.  It’s a challenge, but it’s do-able.

The most difficult part is sitting and listening, rather than doing.  I understand this is a part of the process, so I can hang in there but it is truly exhausting.

Normally I’m completely impatient.  This time there is nothing to be impatient about.  I have to go through these stages in order to do what I’m needed to do.  So that’s how it will go.

Now it’s time for a warm, soothing bath and a good night’s sleep.  There is nothing more I can do for today.  I can only imagine what tomorrow will bring.  I have a good measure of confidence in how this will all come out.  And that’s all the energy I have left for now.

happy 41st birthday to me and thanks to all my friends and family for the well wishes… it has been a good day,

moonfire

a little early birthday present

Enjoyed my first day, although I have so much to learn that it would be easy to be overwhelmed.  I decided to let it all happen naturally.  I am excited about all that lies before me.  I thought perhaps I’d write “but” and then realized there isn’t one to note.  There is one negative thing that happened in the process of my hiring, one that doesn’t have anything to do with me, but makes me wish that circumstances hadn’t been like this.  I won’t expand on it, out of respect for my new office and for those who have to deal with it.

If anything, it makes me feel even more strongly about living up to the choice my office made in hiring me.

Listen.

Learn.

Be open-minded and be prepared to stretch beyond my comfort zone.

And so I will.

In the meantime, I have my own little office that I need to fill with art and plants, and reminders about what is important.  I’m seeking a good picture with an iceberg to remind me daily about my philosophy of interactions between people.  I’m going to have pictures of my boys and my honey.  I’m going to organize it and bring in reference materials that will help me to be effective.

I’m going to make it a good, welcoming space where I can make a difference, even if it’s just one day at a time.

And that’s all I have to say for now because I’m tired and I’d like a good night’s sleep.  I have much more learning to do tomorrow.

One day at a time…

moonfire

A little excitement

Had a dream this morning and then I woke up and realized – one of the dads from my son’s class was on my interviewing team.  I was so nervous and so focused, I didn’t associate “Isaac’s Dad” with the “Jose” on my interviewing team.  And he’s one of our favorite parents from the class…  so it is kind of cracking me up.

I’ll have to apologize for not connecting the two.  I’ve been a bit “off” lately.  [grins]

It’s almost bath time for the boys.  Then I’ll run some laundry, gather my things for tomorrow and get ready for a good night’s sleep.  I’m excited, but also have no expectations about tomorrow.  It’s the first day in what I hope will be years of service to that department and our students.  I have absolutely no basis for comparison.

We saw my sister in law and her husband last night.  He looks great – really great.  He has some color and he was eating solids.  It was interesting being at Todd’s cousin’s wedding reception, but being with our close family was even better.

I keep thinking that I should be completely crazed with excitement about tomorrow, but I just feel peace.  How nice is that?

Given everything that has been going on, I think a bit of peace is welcome.

I don’t have much else to say.  I did my writing assignment for my class this afternoon and now I’m kind of “written out.”

so I’ll simply say – “Cheers”

moonfire

reflective and pasty

My skin is reflective white and pasty.  And I just spent way too much time out in the sun today.  I rather imagine that I’m going to start really hurting between 4-8 hours from now.  Then let the whining begin.

So I’m sitting in the dark music room/office that Todd and I share, wondering where the hell the Aloe Vera gel with lidocaine is.

It was carnival time at Bren’s school this evening.  I would have enjoyed it more if it had been cloudy and cool, but the kids had a wonderful time.  I ended up volunteering for a scant 20 minutes in the full sun for our class’s ring toss.  Now it’s time for a cool bath, aloe gel, and something light and cottony to wear.  Tomorrow will have to be a “no sun” day for me.

In other news, my last day at my office was good.  I got my transition list to both bosses, had a lovely lunch with them and gave them both hugs goodbye.  I hope the next person in there does an excellent job for them and makes me look like a slouch!  They said really nice things and it felt like a good closing for the whole business.  Dave, the number one boss, was a really good guy and he made me feel like he understood that they couldn’t compete with this opportunity.

The one thing I feel good about with all of this is that I know I left the position in good condition and I got everything I possibly could do wrapped up.  The person following me will be able to start with the structure that I’ve implemented and build on it/adapt it to their own style.  I have no regrets about how I did.

Monday will come quickly.  I have much to do between then and now.  I hope I manage it because I can’t let my class take a bad turn and we have social obligations that have to be met.

Time for that aloe vera…  I don’t want a miserable night…

moonfire the crispy

awake, don’t want to be

I should be asleep.  Under normal circumstances, I would be.  Tummy is conspiring against me, so here I am.

Played around on Facebook for a bit.  That’s a good time-suck while I sit here, sipping my water and contemplating how dry my eyes are.

A rich dinner, even when celebrating something like a birthday?  Not a good idea.  By my calculation, I should have had it for lunch, then I could have dealt with the after-effects BEFORE heading to bed.

Reminds me…  I think my friend Chris is 40 now.  I haven’t talked to him in a while, but here you go anyway:  Happy Belated Birthday, Chris!  Todd and I were just talking about you last night – only good things – and there was a chuckle or two.

I’d stay up and ponder life, the universe and everything a bit more, but I think I should attempt a bit more sleep.  Today is my last day as an admin at the university.  I’m packing up my box and heading off.  Monday, I’ll come back on campus as a fledgling financial aid counselor.  There’s my small “before” and “after.”  What a strange feeling.

I’m sure the realities of it will hit when I’m not so tired and uncomfortable.  Or maybe it won’t really kick in until Monday morning, when I’m getting ready for work.

These things have a way of sneaking up on a person.

cheers from the slightly out of it moonfire

no words

The biopsy results came back today.  My brother in law has stage III cancer and with chemo they say he’s got about a year.

There are no words to pull together to make this right.  There is nothing I can do to fix it.  We can all pray.  We can offer our love and our support, but it feels like so little in the face of this news.

All that life that was supposed to be ahead of them is just gone.  What remains are all the moments they will experience between now and whenever he loses this battle.  So I’m letting it out here, then I’m going to set it aside and we’re going to do whatever we can to make sure that they are some damned good moments.

And maybe he’ll show those doctors that he’s got more living in him than they expect.  I hope he finds that sense of humor of his and kicks it in so that this ridiculous thing doesn’t stand a chance.

Doing a little happy dance!

Around 9am this morning I got the call.  I got the job offer and accepted it.  I am so happy, I can barely believe it.  I spent all morning feeling completely energized and it was hard to contain myself.   Tonight I’m more peaceful.  This is so right for me.  It isn’t that edgy “OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO SUCCEED” feeling I had when I went to the software company.  It’s a gentle feeling… like things finally came out right.  I start on the 17th – the day before I turn 41.  So I managed to truly promote while I was 40 after all.

I suppose it would be easy to say it was about the money or personal pride or some such thing, but it isn’t.  It’s about doing something that meshes my spirit with my intellect.  I know that may seem like an odd thing to say, but I don’t know a better way.  I love utilizing my analytical, logical side.  It feeds that need to figure things out.  But I am driven by the need to help people.  I am miserable when I don’t feel like I’ve made any kind of a substantial difference.  And that is the key, really.  What I do must have meaning and it is a very personal bias that informs what truly has meaning to me and what doesn’t.

I know higher ed isn’t the be-all, end-all, but it has greater purpose than simply making a bigger paycheck and getting ahead.  It’s about stretching your mind into areas you might not try otherwise.  It’s about exploring.

I talked to Todd tonight about my commitment to this.  The department is going to make a huge investment in me, getting me fully trained.  I told him that I am committed to a minimum of five years with them, but my hope is that this is the department where I’ll stay until I retire.  I’ll be able to do a lot as a counselor and, if I decide it’s important down the road, I’ll be able to use my ISM degree within the department as well.  For the first time in a long time, it’s not about stepping stones or some nebulous path which may or may not exist.  Instead this is it.  This is what I was looking for.

That causes me to stop, pause, and just let it go through my mind.  I won’t say this is my dream job, because I already have that – being mom.  This is pretty darned close.  As with all things, there will be up days and down days, much like any relationship.  It’ll be continuous work and it’ll be learning, then relearning, then undoing learning and starting over again.

This is the stage I knew was going to come… the one where I can feel the tearing up.  I almost didn’t apply.  And then I did apply, but I didn’t get picked in the first round.  And then there I was in a group of five.  A 20% chance there at the end.

The lesson I have learned from this?  A life lived without taking chances is very limited.  No one is going to walk up to you and hand it to you.  It’s about working and trying, then trying again.

I failed over and over again, for the almost 22 years of my working life.  Here now, I feel like I finally got it right.  And this is only the prelude.  The real challenge, personally speaking, is coming up ahead.  I’ll get dressed that first day, nervous as hell, and I’ll go in with my eyes and ears open.  I will do my best and I will pay attention to the advice I was given in the formal interview – Be mellow and laid back… learn the culture…  know that you will make mistakes, more than once…

I am happy for me.  I am happy for my family.

Now it’s time for some rest and a cuddle with my honey.

cheers,
moonfire