We had our book time (Brennan read to his brother) and now I’m winding down for the day. It has been an incredibly tiring and long week, filled with learning, some drama, and a sense of rightness.
It is interesting how “arriving,” for lack of a better term, can feel so mellow. And there is a demarcation in how I feel “pre” and “post” professional, if that makes sense. When I think of the emotions that accompany all of this, I think of the color blue. This isn’t a case of feeling blue, but rather every time I think about my feelings about what I’m doing, what the future holds for me professionally and what might be, I get the sensation of the color blue… in varying shades from a vivid, Caribbean teal to a gentle, icy medium blue to deep, velvety navy.
Given this sensation, which is difficult to fully express, I’m going to find things to inhabit and decorate my office that work in the blue/green spectrum. I want a sense of calm. I don’t need vivid colors for energy and creativity… my intuition is telling me that I need things emphasizing calm, peace, finding a center.
Yes, I’m sensitive to the aesthetic around me, so this is important – even if it seems silly.
The other thing that comes to me whenever I think about this new circumstance is the sensation of smelling damp earth and rain forest.
Blue, earth, and peaty, mossy trees.
I don’t know that I fully understand it, but even writing about it I can feel the sensation of the odor of it in the roof of my mouth. (and no, it’s not our house… believe me – it’s filled with the odors of dog fur, laundry soap, small boys, and stinky people shoes)
I guess what I’m wondering is if this is my body’s way of translating these new, unfamiliar emotions into something that I can understand?
Or am I simply one step closer to nuts?
I have no idea.
It’s the end of the day and I have a lot to do tomorrow, as well as the weekend. I’m not going to fret over it now. I’ll find the time and the space to get it all done.
dammit. I had written more and some ridiculous thing happened with my cursor. Some days I wonder…
…maybe this is my signal to give it up and get my butt in bed. The kids are quiet now, so I can probably get in a good night’s sleep before the craziness of tomorrow creeps up on me.
good night from the strange world of moonfire