15 days left

It has been SO hard getting through this final class.  I’m almost to a point where I feel so disconnected that it has become a sociological experiment to see what new things will be said in it that leave me shaking my head.  It happens every week, so I’d have to say with a high degree of confidence that it’s not just my quirky sense of humor taking over.

I’m hanging in there with work and because I was so productive this week, I don’t have that same panicky anxiety hanging over my head as I go into my personal long weekend of writing and drafting and editing.  Tomorrow is a vacation day, earmarked specifically for writing and Starbucks.

This brings up an interesting point:  Why is it that studying goes so much better with coffee and snacks?

***Mental note – was typing quickly and NATURALLY the cursor blipped and I ended up off on some other page, so I had to come back to this draft.  Ugh.  I hate it when I lose my thoughts.  Note, that was “thoughts” not “mind”.  There is a clear distinction.***

Well.  It’s time for sleep.  I would like to get max done tomorrow so that the draft will go out to the team on Saturday and I’ll be free to spend a bit of time with my oldest when he returns from his trip to Canada.  I miss him so much.  He sent a brief email today and it was sweet, ending with “I miss you mom.”  I got weepy, but happy.  I’m glad he went on this adventure but BOY will I be a happy mom when he’s back.

That’s it for me.  I’ve had a good evening cuddling with my short guy.  He’ll be with dad all day tomorrow and then more cuddles tomorrow night.




I really want to be done with the project, but I’m completely frozen right now.  I just looked at the outline created by one of my team-mates and it is so focused on things she has done in the past that I can’t seem to escape it and get things done that need to be done.

I’m to the point now where I hate the project.  It’s sad, too, because it was something I really believed in.  Now I think about it and all I can see is what is left over after the pathetic effort of the last few weeks.  Perhaps it’s even worse because it’s Spring and I don’t seem to do well between March and May?  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve finally burned out completely. 

Whatever I do, I’ll have to pull it together to finish.  If it were just me, I don’t know that I’d be as stressed, but knowing that 3 other people need me to finish up keeps the pressure on.

I’m in a rough place with work, too.  Being sick last week took me down in so many ways that I don’t know how I’ll recover.  I guess I’ll take it one task at a time.  That’s all I can do, right?

Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep.  In 19 days it’ll all be better.  My team may end up hating me by the end… I don’t know. 

I just want it over.


tired… and sick… and tired

22 days.  That’s how long I have left.  And here it is that I’ve caught a crappy virus and now my household is dropping like flies too. 

Even more, my team for the class are all experiencing massive school burn-out (me included), so our motivation has suddenly gone pfft.

Work would be good if I were there, but not only have I been laid low by this bug, it got all the professional staff in our department except the new research prof.  Joy.  Now I’m behind at work AND I’ve got to play catch-up on my class project.  Kind of a case of everything that could go wrong, did.

My oldest is supposed to be heading off with gramma for an adventure.  He’s got high temps and vomiting, so it’s presently on hold until he is more healthy.  This leaves me feeling conflicted because he is very unhappy about the wait, yet I don’t want him out of the nest, especially when he’s so sick.

Now 22 days is best case at this point and may not happen on the money if we’re not ready, but I’m feeling pretty darned motivated to be ready because I so badly want this torment over.  It’s been a long 3 years for me and my family.  I’m grumpy, exhausted, stressed and really just at the end of my academic juices right now.  I know that 22 days will evaporate quickly, still it stinks to be sitting on this end and looking out at those days. 

Tomorrow, hell or high water, I’m heading back to work.  I’ve got the nasal steroids, the antibiotics, and I’ve been resting.  So the day better not wrestle me to the ground because I’m just about out of patience.

I’m sending this wish out into the ether as I’m hanging on by a thread right now:  Please help me have the patience and strength to get through this. 

Thanks and goodnight,

A little better…

We made some progress and then slipped a little, but things are still better than they were.  The pressure is on with the class I’m in.  Naturally, this happens in the final capstone class.  A part of me thinks that it’s Murphy’s Law… I’m frustrated, but I haven’t completely given up hope.  Perhaps I’m just too tired to communicate effectively?  Not so sure, really.

Mostly, I find myself counting down until this ends and I can put some work into my family and my health.

So I look at this and wonder:  Was it all worth it?  Most days, yes, it was.  Once in a while I think I was insane to take on graduate school when I’ve got young kids and a husband who sometimes acts like a young kid.  Then I look at this great job I got and the start to a career that I know will be fun and rewarding.  Hard to have regrets in the face of it.

Do I regret the cost to my family?  Yes.  Absolutely.  At the same time, the long term benefit to them is a mom who doesn’t come home each night completely thrashed by 9 hours of hell.

As I stood talking to one of the assistant directors in Sponsored Programs tonight, it hit me:  I’ve found my place.  I’d already realized that I found my place in my department, but this went deeper.  I like systems.  I like financial management.  I like refining processes.  I like working with intelligent, driven people.  I like feeling that my contribution is valued.

I’m more than a little bit scared of being over-estimated, but after years of being under-utilized, maybe that’s just the carrot I need.

Several years ago, my Nana asked me if I was afraid to succeed.  I can finally answer that question:  No.  I’m not afraid.  Not anymore.

My family has paid a price for my pursuit of my education and my seeking in my employment.  I hope that after the next 4.5 weeks are done, they will reap happy rewards for it.

I’m going to bed now because this stupid time change has kicked my ass up one side and down the other.  If I survive the next month, I make these promises to myself….  I will buy those cute shoes.  I will take care of my body.  I will love my family and enjoy every blessed moment I have with them.