Gladly saying goodbye to 2009

Well here I go, the last blog for 2009.  Glad to see the year go and have much hope for the new one.  Came into this year with hope and some plans for trying new things.  I gave it a shot.  Mostly I fell flat on my face, but I learned quite a bit along the way.

Here is where it would be appropriate to list out a bunch of things that I felt like I gained (or lost) from this past year, but in the spirit of letting go and starting fresh for the new year, I won’t.

I’m also forgoing the concept of resolutions.

I’m hopeful that I’ll be a better mom, a better employee, a better wife, and a better friend for this new year.  But that’s all I’ve got right now – some hope.  Any sense of drive or purpose I had going is a bit deflated right now.  The best I can drum up is a bit of lightly optimistic hope.  I’m trying to boot pessimism to the curb, but even that’s a bit iffy.  If I seem slightly ambivalent going into this next year, that’d be correct.  The last couple of years have been rough, colored by loss and gain, failure and a little bit of learning.  For every step forward we attempt, it seems like we take three or four back.

So forgive me if this isn’t me being wound up and full of cheerfulness about the coming year.  For the first time in a long, long while, I’m simply glad to say goodbye to one year and hello to what might be a fresh start.

We stayed home tonight – glad to be safe and not driving about on icy roads.  I felt no urge to be out, dressed up and in a crowd.  The thought of crowds makes me absolutely cringe these days, so I can’t think of anything that would be closer to hell than that.

Instead, we were home with the kids.  Aidan didn’t get a nap today, so he was a total pill.  There was one point where I thought he was going to be in time out for the next week.  And you know what?  I’d still rather be home with our family than out with strangers.

Right now I’d rather be with my family for the big events… anniversaries, birthdays, big celebrations and milestones.  Given that it can all be gone in a flash, it seems to make sense.  Be with the ones that mean the most to you and skip the stupid crap.

It did occur to me to enjoy this evening because down the road the boys will be heading off to parties on their own.  So I’d better enjoy it now, while I can.

They’re in bed now and I’m heading off to sleep myself.  Todd will probably be up for a while, toasting in the calendar change in the quiet of the house (except maybe for the rumble of the dryer).

So goodbye 2009.  Thanks for only staying a year.  I’ll try to develop a more positive perspective on you down the road.  For now, I’m just glad your visit is done.

cheers on this cold New Year’s Eve…
moonfire

A friend sent me a cool link…

http://www.pyramidcollection.com/default.asp

I adore this site.  I’m in a much too practical mode of thinking these days to truly enjoy the site for all it’s worth, but it still makes my heart beat a bit faster.  There’s a moonstone ring on there that I’d love to have.

I say this when this morning brought about an adventure in which our van battery died.  Luckily for me (given that I had two small children with me), Airport Chevron has a battery service and came to us rather than us having to call AAA to get there.  And the tiny tin can of a car has bald tires, which I discovered when I attempted to turn on to our street this morning and could not.  It snowed last night and it was slick as hell, presuming hell could be an icy, snow-covered place where cars do not function as one intends.

My mouth is sore and eating is still an adventure, but at least I know I’m not contagious now and I have picked up some things to help work through this.  Citrus, tomato, hot, spicy…. they all hurt.  Good times.  Todd made spaghetti for dinner tonight and it was like eating needles, but I ate it because it smelled delicious and I was hungry.  If all goes well, I should be healing nicely over the weekend.

As for the headaches, the nausea, and the general feeling that I am roadkill?  Tylenol works nicely on the headaches, eating helps the nausea and sleeping a crapload appears to be icing the run-over sensation.  Perhaps I simply need to view this as nature/fate’s way of saying “HEY, slow the hell down and take care of yourself!!”

Or it’s flipping me the bird.

I haven’t decided which yet.

Watched Julie & Julia today.  Loved it.  Had no desire to see it previously, but learned more about it and decided to give it a shot.  Inspired me to view my blogging from the proper perspective.  No, I do not think of myself as a writer, but at least (as I can) I get out here and I put thoughts down.  If nothing else, my writing has grown because of it.  Still no urges to write a book nor do I think a good fictional story resides in this all-too-logical brain.  I am simply too literal and the only time I have good creative story ideas is when I’ve just surfaced from dreaming.  The rest of the time I cannot let go of the minutiae and I sink under it.

I really think I need more fantasy in my life.  Somewhere, along the way I’ve lost that sense of magic.  That’s why I got the link from Patty and felt a big warm helping of happiness.  Imagination, creativity, hope…  all those things keep life from being a drudgery of the mundane.  It’s not that I have to live a certain way to find it.  Rather, I’d like to think that letting my mind go free once in a while is a good thing.  Kind of like watching Labyrinth and imagining waltzing with the goblin king… before returning to the world of school, work, dirty diapers and all the frets of a busy mom.

Time for bed.  The kids are resisting sleep.  It’s late and we all need our rest.  Tomorrow we’ll have a lovely day together before celebrating the retiring of 2009 and the birth of 2010.

cheers from moonfire (finally healing)

Insomnia blog number???

This one was due more to the house being too hot, versus my normal stressing.  So here I am, walking the dog, putting the kitty in the bathroom and thinking about whether or not I should go to the doctor or not.  On one hand, I have insurance until Thursday and I should perhaps get checked out.  On the other hand, do I really want to spend $30 out of our meager budget to go so they can tell me that I have a virus and just need to ride it out?  (You know – “drink lots of fluids, get lots of rest” – the usual thing)

If I had a third hand, and believe me, as a mom, I sometimes wish I did – if I had a third hand I’d remind myself that being sick next week is really NOT an option.  It appears that researching my symptoms on the net is not working this time, either.  I have crud in my eyes and ridiculous pain in my mouth.  Do I take a chance?  Bah.

I think the human body is just a pool of germy misery waiting to happen.

I have a theory though.  And this is just a theory.  I’m willing to bet this is secondary infection from being on the antibiotics.  I haven’t had it happen in a long time, but I’m betting that’s what has happened.

Big help that theory is…

Ok.  Wimping and moaning gets me nowhere.  Time to pull it together and go back to bed, otherwise the kids will have me up early and I’ll be really miserable.

It did snow last night.  Pretty fluffy stuff.  Our back yard looks nice for now.  Later it’ll be a boggy mess, but right now it’s blanketed beautifully.

moonfire heading back to bed, cheers.

still feeling gross

Lip is healing, but the rest of me feels pathetic.  Got to cuddle a kitty and our dog today, while I was lying down trying to get in some recovery sleep.  I’ve always felt like cats know when you’re sick and curling up next to you is their way of helping the healing process.

I think she’s going to be welcome to cuddle up with me any time she wants.

I need to move.  Some hot tea and a bun with butter sounds like the extent of my enthusiasm.  I’m craving grapefruit, but there’s no way my mouth can handle it.  I had some yesterday and paid for it with pain for about a 1/2 hour.  grr.

Watched “Labyrinth” with the kids this afternoon.  When I was a teenager we watched it so much that we knew all the lines from it and could recite it from beginning to end.  It made me smile to think of that this afternoon.  Yeah, it’s got some cheesy bits, but it’s still fun to watch.

cheers from a (hopefully) recovering moonfire.

You HAVE to be kidding.

Last night my upper lip felt like I had been punched.  I know the warning signs, so of course I went online to get my prescription for the cold sore medication refill done.  Easy peasy.  No worries.  Had them (twice) this past year, so between bad immune system and the stress of the last few months, having this show up is no surprise.

However…

Waking up this morning feeling puny was unexpected…  As was the surprise of a gradual descent into fever, headache, nausea, bodyache, cough, choking sensation, and feeling that a bus had just run me over.

HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN???

This sucks.

I cannot decide if the cold sore and the illness are related or if this is just incredibly poor timing.  I’m hoping for the former, if for no other reason than I’d like to get over the whole mess in one fell swoop.

The kids, in the meantime, are running around like wild men.  They have Mickey Mouse ear hats on and it’s an interesting thing to watch.  Todd is sitting in the other chair, trying to work up motivation to create something reasonably healthy for dinner.  I sympathize.  I would help, but I’m just trying to get together enough energy to drink some hot tea, eat some citrus and some bread & butter, then make the bed and crawl in to it.  I slept in my robe and slippers today.  That’s how cold I was.  And that was after turning the heat up to 70 (which is typically uncomfortable for me).

Ok.  I need hot tea.  I need some food.  I need to get up out of this chair and try for a last push before I fade.

One question though.  Why is it that the kids get exponentially more loud and obnoxious in opposition to how crappy a parent feels???

2010 better be a hell of a lot more healthy than 2009.  I’m just sayin’.

moonfire

Christmas Night

I’ll make this short, as we need to get the kids to bed.

It was a lovely day spent with family.  Santa was generous and the spirit of the day was festive.  Todd and I are tired, mostly due to coordinating with Santa, but also a bit of the stress of last few months still resided with us.  I think the next 10 days will be a time of renewal – something much needed in our household.

Saying good-bye was not as hard as I thought it would be yesterday.  I will miss my team and several of the individual people I worked with, but, for the most part, this final week of work only reinforced why this was a good decision for me.  I realized yesterday that if I was facing that job next week, I might well be crying this weekend.  I don’t say that lightly and I don’t say it for drama.  It was all I could do to hang in there these last days.  The core issues that lead to my decision to leave were in full force.

I won’t dredge it up yet again.  It’s done.  I’ll miss some people and that’s a good thing.  It means I did make some connections there – including a couple friendships that I plan to maintain.  One of the guys I worked with is fantastic and we share some things in common – enough that we can share a good chuckle over things that we find in the world.  I hope some day to meet his wife and kids.  And I hope some day he can hang out with me and Todd, sharing a beer and a laugh.

My mum is in Canada with our family.  Todd’s aunt is with his family, here in town.  We are tucked in to our warm house with our dog, Danny, and my mum’s kitty, Ratty.  It feels like a sweet end to a tough year…  some of our loved ones are close by and some are far away, but missed.

Time to wind down the day.  Todd and I have made a pact to take time for ourselves each evening that remains in 2009.  Perhaps if we focus and take the time for us, we will start a pattern that will carry into the new year.

cheers to all on this lovely Christmas holiday,
moonfire

two days

Tomorrow and then Thursday.

I know it’s a short amount of time but from this vantage point it looks like an eternity.  On the flip side, it’s only two more days of my alarm going off at 4:50am.  Ahhhh…  That is a truly lovely thought.

Sadly, I’ll only get to sleep in until 6am on my new schedule, but that is a significant hour.  If I’m able to fall back asleep by 3:30 or 4:00 am, it means a full extra 2 or so hours of sleep.  How sweet is that?  And this is how an insomniac thinks.  A lot of people think I go to bed really early.  I have to.  I have so many sleep interruptions that the only way I can cobble together a full night is by going to bed early.  Stupid apneas anyway.  bah.

Picked up my key for my new office (Jan 4th) today.  It was a great feeling.  The woman at facilities welcomed me back.   That was lovely.

And tomorrow is the 23rd.  I’m not done with holiday prep yet.  How did the time get away from me??  The house will be marginally tidy for our mini get-together.  The presents will be wrapped.

I’d like to say I’m in the mood for Christmas, but I’m more in the mood to be with our family than anything and I kind of think that’s a good thing.  Maybe it’s all the stresses we’ve been through.  I don’t know for sure.  My energy is sapped and simple things sound attractive… like snuggling up together by the fireplace, group hugs with the boys, a good book…

All the frenetic activity centered around prep for one day seems unreal to me.  It doesn’t have the magic it used to.  If it weren’t for the boys, I’d be almost completely disconnected from it.  I know that sounds sad and kind of bah humbug, but it doesn’t even feel negative.  It’s just that I have a ton of other things to think about right now.

Perhaps my spirit will lighten and I’ll feel more festive after tomorrow.   Maybe it’s just a case of the continued drain I feel with my job.  Will I get to 2:30 on Thursday and all of the pent up seasonal spirit will flood me?

Hmm.  We’ll have to see.

Brennan and I are planning to build a dragon over the holiday week.  I’m going to hunt out my fabrics and we’ll use cardboard as the base.  I’ll pull out beads, ribbons, threads, yarn… and I may pick up some fun pipecleaners to use.  It may not be a very refined dragon, but it’ll have a lot of heart put into it.  Bren decided it was supposed to be a reading dragon, so we’ll have to craft some kind of book for it too.  I’ve got a good bonding glue – the kind that works for fabric or wood or metal (or other materials, as is seen fit).

Oooh.  Now that is the exciting thing we’re planning.

And I’ve got craft wire too.  It’s a lovely copper color.  I’d bet that’d be cool for it as well.  Maybe we can make copper and blue/green eyes for the dragon.

Well, I’m hoping that my sleeping pill is about to kick in.  I’ll use one tomorrow night and then I’ll have a couple for my first week of work, then I’m hoping relaxation and easing of stress will decrease my need for them.  That’ll be blissful.

It’s time to dream about dragons.

Cheers,
moonfire

I feel witty…

No.  I do not feel witty.  I do not feel pretty, either.

I feel like a lump.  Bah.  No humbug, just a bah.

Why, oh why, did I not set my last day as 12/23????

ugh.

It’s not quite 7pm on a Monday night and here I am, heading for bath and bed already.  I hate being tired and I’m dead-tired.  I know that Thursday, 2:30 pm will come and the tension will leave my teeth… the tension in my neck will melt away… and the stiffness in my right shoulder will be banished.  Joy and freedom from the incredible stress! Yes!

Until then I will take hot baths each night and I will smile.  The end of the tunnel is here and I see a lovely glow, not a rushing headlamp.

***

Saw Avatar this weekend.  Warning – I am prone to gushing about this movie.  It is a visual sensory delight and I greatly enjoyed the story.  I want to visit this place and perhaps stay a while.  Will write more when my sad body isn’t feeling cold and faintly sore.

***

One last note: Our 2-year old is in full fighting mode lately.  Only problem is, he bangs his head on things or against things or even bangs things against his head.  It’s freaky, scary, and we’re rapidly getting frustrated with it.  Do I need to buy my child a helmet??  His anger is amazing to behold.  Who knew such a small, angelic looking child could get so totally pissed off at the world??

***

Happy Winter Solstice,
moonfire

The final week

A week from tomorrow I’ll be finishing my final day at the software company.  It’s a mixed set of feelings I’ve got right now.  I don’t want to imply I have doubts, because I don’t.  It doesn’t change the fact that I’m leaving people that I’ve worked with and that represents a connection, even though I’m very happy to go back to my “family.”

I spoke to our CEO today.  He’s a nice man – at least on a personal level.  I’ve really got no idea what he’s like from a business perspective.  He understood when I chatted with him about the insurance.  I told him I know that it’s difficult for a smaller company.  I also put a plug in for my team-mates.  He needs to know how good they’ve been.  I would have lost my mind two months ago if it hadn’t been for the team I work with.

Anyway.  Tomorrow is a half day.  I’m glad.  I’m tired and I feel worn out.  There’s a distinction, believe me.  Tired is physical.  Worn out is more psychological/emotional.

Time to go read a book with the boys.

cheers,
moonfire

ahhh, sweet relief

I had more blog ideas than time today.  In the end it was finishing up my final that won out.  What a relief.  Unfortunately, while I was trying to save during my final I was getting network timeouts.  ARGH.  So the system told me it took 101 minutes to do the final – um. yeah. – approximately 30 minutes of that was me hitting refresh to get the damn screen to reload.

But it’s done.

***

I ended up talking to an old friend today.  It was a nice feeling.  Who we were way back when we were friends differs greatly from who we are now, so it was a bittersweet thing, but I’m glad I got to hear how she’s doing.  And along that note, I had brunch with a great friend on Sunday.  (yes, Helen, you were right  – that bacon is definitely angel-butt material)  It was fun and mellow and relaxing.  It was just what I needed.  We don’t see much of each other, due to schedules and geographical location, but it sure is fantastic when we meet up.  If food is involved, all the better!!

I’m fairly isolated these days.  I have friends that I nudge on Facebook and I share emails with people periodically, but for the most part I tend to just do my own thing.  I’ve wondered lately if that’s a good or a bad thing?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll withhold judgment on that for a little while longer.

Mostly, though, it’s a fact of life with working full-time, taking graduate classes, and having young children.  Where I am now is as different as where I was in my 20’s or 30’s as the diffference that will exist when the next two busy years are done.  These are good differences.  Living a quiet life right now suits me.  I don’t want frantic activity.  And I’ve been told I need to learn how to let go of control, but honestly?  When I live in a place of letting go of control, I seem to generate unhappiness around me.  When I live in a state of selfishness, it generates bad things.

So, while it may seem like I “shouldn’t” stay focused on control, I think I will.  My intuitive sense tells me it’s for the best.

I’ve got no sense of nostalgia tonight.  I thought perhaps I would after talking to this friend.  But really, those days are so distant that I remember them like they were a story and we were all fictional characters.  I feel peaceful joy that she’s found succes, happiness, and well-being in her life, but I don’t have any longing for the people we were back then.  I wonder if that isn’t part of growing older?  You find your place and you’re glad when others find theirs?

I got sweet little boy kisses this evening, before they headed off to Scouts.  I like watching Todd and the boys together.  He’s so tall and they still seem fairly small next to him… but they have that familiar look of him about them.  A friend once told me that it made her smile when she saw the four of us walking down the street together, holding hands and looking like a nice little family.  It’s one of the most wonderful things anyone has ever said to me – besides “I lus you mum.”

And finally, this Friday evening Todd and I are heading out to a hockey game together.  I don’t like crowds or noise, so this one may be a challenge for me.  But I’m glad we get a “date” – even if it’s for his work Christmas celebration.  No little black dress – instead I’ll be wearing jeans and a warm sweater.  The latter is actually more “me” than the former anyway.

Cheers on this rainy, icy-cold late fall evening.  Winter weather is here, even if the calendar hasn’t quite caught up.
moonfire