the negative impact of illness and fatigue on cognitive function…

…  This is a fancy way of saying the following:  Get sick, get tired… and your brain will go to mush.

I’m attempting to maintain my A in Economics.  I am still sick with this crud (and yes, I am paying for going back to work too soon) and it is making life difficult in all manner of ways.  I’ve spent a good portion of the evening wretchedly sick in the bathroom.  I’m coughing.  I haven’t seen this much phlegm in a really long time and I’m thinking about buying stock in Puff PLUS (which rock, by the way).

I’ve got a 93% in my class, going into the quiz tomorrow and the final next weekend.

That is the bottom of the A scale.

Now, I can be philosophical.  I only need a B.  I’m solid.  But then along comes the email inviting me to join the honor society for my degree program.  No big thing to other folks maybe, however, I need all the reinforcement I can get these days.  I’ve got 5 classes left for my general degree program plus another 2-3, if I decide to do an emphasis (which I doubt I’ll be able to handle given that I’m already counting down to December 2011 as it is).

Still…  it gave me a nice little smile on my face to be invited.  And then I thought – perhaps they should wait until AFTER I finish my current class?  Pessimism raised it’s ugly, snarling head.

Ah, and cleaning this morning went fine.  We all pitched in, did an excellent job and there was NO wimping and moaning or comments about my being a mean wife/mom.  I did mention my feelings of being taken for granted last night and got a succinct comment that no, I was not being taken for granted.  Whether or not I fully buy that brief comment is still being debated in my head.

Anyway.  I am suffering from being sick and I’m suffering from being exhausted this last 5 weeks.  So my academic performance has been rusty, creaky and perhaps just a bit slackerish.  My writing has held on and that is what has caused me to hang on to my A with a slim (ok, non-existent) margin.  I performed VERY poorly on the first quiz and I’m nervous about tomorrow.  Even worse, I’m almost sick to my stomach (unrelated to the illness) about the final next weekend.

I really did that badly on the quiz.

Still pondering why it is that I can’t bring myself to apply for things.  Still clueless about why.  Found something intriguing on the federal government jobs website.  And it’s approved for telework, which is highly appealing, and I’m fully qualified for it AND it pays slightly higher than what I’m making now.

I found something interesting at the university where I work, however, when I considered it I realized that I’m not in a time or space where I’m willing to go for it.  At the same time, I realized that a friend of mine would be perfect for it.  I shot him an email and he’s going for it.  Wouldn’t it be spectacular if he was hired for it and it happened because I sent off that email?  That would make my day in a serious way.

I think it’s easier for me to be happy for other people.  I find my own successes or failures to be uncomfortable.  They pinch, constricting decisions into narrow paths.  Talk about contradiction:  I like certainties, but I like open-endedness.  I hate feeling boxed in.  I get extremely claustrophobic when I feel that I don’t have an escape route – and no, I don’t include my family in this.  I think perhaps that my family is the one thing that holds me together and keeps me feeling as though the world is an ok place.  Work is often uncomfortable for me… and perhaps, sometimes, my interpersonal relationships outside of my immediate family are too.

If I were to suddenly find out I was an alien from some completely disconnected world, I would harbor almost no surprise.  It would explain a few things.

It gets worse as I age.

At this rate, I figure I’ll be green and scaly by the time I’m 60.

****

Well.  I’ve done my thread postings for this evening (that only leaves tomorrow and then I’m good for the week).  I have reading to do, if my tummy will let me.  I’m still nauseated and coughing, so I’m mentally flipping a coin to see whether or not reading or sleeping wins.  The house is mostly tidy and clean.  The laundry is comfortingly tumbling in the background…  Small side note:  I find my husband’s snoring and the sound of laundry in the dryer to be equally comforting and reassuring.  The only thing that is better is pressing my face to my sons’ hair and inhaling.  I think dryer sheets are small pieces of heaven.  Warm towels are better than alcohol for soothing the nerves.

Yeah.  It’s one of “those” days.

That’s it for me.  I’m splitting the difference – 30 minutes of reading and then sleep.

moonfire

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Procrastination, with a capital “P”

I’ve done our 2010 taxes.  I’ve filed both our 11-12 FAFSAs.

I still haven’t applied for other jobs.  It is so hard.  I want to do it.  Really.  So why is it so difficult to do?  Why do I look at job postings and pick them apart?

We’re getting a healthy tax refund this year.  Each EFC for both of us came back as zero, meaning that Todd will get the best possible aid package possible for this coming school year, which in turn means that our loan debt will be lower and will stretch further for Todd finishing his degree.

And still… I know I need to do something and I can’t work up the momentum, the will-power to do it.

What does this mean?  Am I too scared to do it?  I don’t know.

Weird.

Maybe I’ll figure out the answer to these questions (and I say answer, because I think it all stems from one place)…  And maybe then I’ll be able to move forward.  For now, I’ve got sleepy kids and I’m still recovering from the flu.  I worked all week and I feel like I’ve been run over.  It’s time for sleep and maybe a cuddle.  I did a lot this week.  Filing our taxes, filing our financial aid applications, working each day, and still managing to hang on by a very tenuous thread in my econ class.  It all counts.  The list of things I didn’t get done is almost as long and it includes updating my resume and making a serious search.

I AM frustrated though.  I’m getting the feeling tonight like I’m the bad guy – like I’m being a cow for insisting that we all have to work together on some housework… like the fact that I got home tonight and the place was a disaster, but everyone had time to just sit and relax – except me.  I don’t know.  I want to explode about it.  There’s this sensation that I’m taken for granted right now.

We’ve got years of this ahead of us.  At least 2 more years.

Hell.

I can keep writing or I can go to bed.  I guess bed wins.

moonfire