Procrastination, with a capital “P”

I’ve done our 2010 taxes.  I’ve filed both our 11-12 FAFSAs.

I still haven’t applied for other jobs.  It is so hard.  I want to do it.  Really.  So why is it so difficult to do?  Why do I look at job postings and pick them apart?

We’re getting a healthy tax refund this year.  Each EFC for both of us came back as zero, meaning that Todd will get the best possible aid package possible for this coming school year, which in turn means that our loan debt will be lower and will stretch further for Todd finishing his degree.

And still… I know I need to do something and I can’t work up the momentum, the will-power to do it.

What does this mean?  Am I too scared to do it?  I don’t know.

Weird.

Maybe I’ll figure out the answer to these questions (and I say answer, because I think it all stems from one place)…  And maybe then I’ll be able to move forward.  For now, I’ve got sleepy kids and I’m still recovering from the flu.  I worked all week and I feel like I’ve been run over.  It’s time for sleep and maybe a cuddle.  I did a lot this week.  Filing our taxes, filing our financial aid applications, working each day, and still managing to hang on by a very tenuous thread in my econ class.  It all counts.  The list of things I didn’t get done is almost as long and it includes updating my resume and making a serious search.

I AM frustrated though.  I’m getting the feeling tonight like I’m the bad guy – like I’m being a cow for insisting that we all have to work together on some housework… like the fact that I got home tonight and the place was a disaster, but everyone had time to just sit and relax – except me.  I don’t know.  I want to explode about it.  There’s this sensation that I’m taken for granted right now.

We’ve got years of this ahead of us.  At least 2 more years.

Hell.

I can keep writing or I can go to bed.  I guess bed wins.

moonfire

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One thought on “Procrastination, with a capital “P”

  1. I think we all feel taken for granted at times. Like for some reason it’s the woman’s job to make sure it all runs smoothly. I don’t get it. We’ve come so far and yet some things are just ingrained.

    I hope you feel better soon. Good on you for getting your takes done already!

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