Oh! Hope springs in my heart!

So it’s a bit dramatic.  Oh well.  That’s life.  I got my first call in response to my cold-mailing letters of interest to libraries.  It’d be a drive.  No more walking to work if I did get it, but it would be the first step towards getting that experience I so desperately need.

I can’t begin to explain how excited I was this evening as I took the message off my voice mail.  I have a thank you email to send out tomorrow, to Todd’s friend who was the person that gave us the “inside knowledge.”

This is one of those moments that I want to just hold on to… whenever I feel like I might never get there.  Here I am, finally getting a tiny chance.  It’s a wonderful feeling.  I was just telling Todd tonight that maybe I should just stick it out with the Job From Hell, which isn’t truly a job from hell… mostly it’s just not what I should be doing.  (If that makes any sense at all??)

Look.  The fact is that I want to be a librarian.  I want to work with people, to help them with research or curiosity or just to find something that interests them.  I like answering questions… I like the search and the hunt for information.  Research makes me happy.  I want to know “WHY?, HOW?”, and all those wonderful words appended with question marks…

I didn’t just stumble on to this idea.  I talked to people in the field.  I looked into what it takes…  I got mentors and I grilled them.  I’ve read about it and I’ve been there as a customer.  It’s a dynamic, changing environment and I want to be a part of it.  It suits my nature.

You know what each and every one of the people in the field told me?  They love it.  Jobs are hard to come by in some areas because people get into them and they STAY.

Now, I know that nothing may come out of this one little message and this spurt of hope, but I get to feel like I’m starting on the path.  That counts for more than I can say.  Someone out there liked what I had to say enough to call me about it.

That’s worth everything to me right now.

That little bit of hope… that thought that maybe I’m doing something right finally… well…

It’s worth more than words can express.

Cheers,
moonfire.  (and a big thank you goes to Dominique for the heads up to my honey)

Bad sleep last night

I feel gross.  Lack of sleep.  I believe that says it all.  The reasons don’t matter, just the outcome.

I’m at the j-o-b and it was once again a matter of stubborn resolve conquering my insane need to not be here.  I’ve been productive and now I feel even more sick from lack of sleep.  I believe that nature should give moms a break.  Make us able to exist on 5 hours a night.  Please?

My cheeks are flushed, which my husband would recognize as extreme fatigue.  The fact that I’m not massively bitchy to everyone around me is a testament to how nice the weekend was.  Todd and I exorcised some demons from our dealings with each other and it created an amazing lightness this weekend.  I think we both needed to vent and then we felt better afterwards.  I know it was much easier to keep up on things because of all of his work.

I have nothing else to say.  I’m toast.  Mentally, I’m the equivalent of a single-celled organism today.

I’ll be back tomorrow when I feel more (relatively speaking) human.

moonfire.

How a home is like a library; or Accessibility…

My mum is going to laugh over this one.  So, likely, is anyone who knows me and my husband in real life.

I’m reading a book on school cataloging.  For fun.  For my own interest.  (Does anyone still question my true calling in life, because beyond being a mother, I think this one is the second most driving passion for me… what an interesting thought!)

I’m sitting here, feeling really dreadful because our little family over-indulged in a treat after swimming last night.  My eyes are puffy… and I’m awake.  I’m up drinking water to flush out that indulgence and I decided to sit a bit with my book called “Catalog It!”  I hadn’t read far down one page when it hit me – the motivation for cataloging is so the information can be found.  The reason for an orderly home is so things can be found.

Now I qualify this, for anyone sitting out there thinking, “Oh my god!  She most have the books on her home shelves organized and her children have their toys arranged in some rigid order!”  Well, that’s where anyone who knows me and my little family is just rolling around on the floor, laughing their collective butts off.  Our house, and my desk in particular, is usually chaotic and messy.  Now that we have two kids, I’m more likely to be a bit of a bitch about keeping thing tidy (for me and Todd, not for the munchkins, although Bren is great when I ask him to clean up – even if his methods are to stuff everything in a box… I think he gets that trait from Todd).

But I realized that this is why it drives me nuts when “someone” keeps changing where things are placed, whether in the kitchen or the rest of the house.  When you’ve got the baby wailing because he is really hungry NOW, you don’t want to be searching for a bottle or baby spoon.  When Bren needs his art supplies to work on something or I want to wear a specific shirt on a specific day, I don’t want to be running around freaking out.

I won’t even start on Todd and his wallet.  I’ve threatened him with severe bodily harm based on recent events with that wallet.

It’s time to get him GPS tracking.

(and he’d better not get on Bren about the “Great Missing Nintendo” issue, because the nut did not fall far from the nut tree)

Aside from being able to find things, it’s just a great feeling when your home is clean and you can wander around it as a resident, rather than an inmate.  What I found so cool at this early time of the morning, was how my chosen area of study reflects so well on what I couldn’t articulate about needing tidiness at home.

(That sounds so “Frasier/Niles Crane” so let me explain something:  Todd and I are bad, bad, bad at keeping up on the house.  Don’t be fooled by my inner thoughts on this.  It’s only in recent years that we’ve been better and we seem to be finally learning the lessons our mothers attempted to teach us in earlier years.  Thanks Mom and Mum!)

A last thought…  Life has come full circle.  It makes me completely INSANE that Bren doesn’t keep his room clean or look after his toys.  Oh GREAT IRONY there!  Mum will attest:  I was the biggest slob as a child.  My little sister is a Virgo and she was typically the tidy one.  Not me.  I don’t think I could even put into words how bad I was.

Bren once again proves genetics working in action.

What I have come to learn as an adult is that my actions now are the best thing I can do for him in getting him to take better care of his things.  Yes, I can talk to him about how important it is to take care of his stuff, but honestly?  If we don’t model that for him with the rest of the house, how can we expect his small five-year old self to do it?

Ok… one more absolutely, completely final thought:  I love Murphy’s Oil Soap for hardwood floors.  It makes the house smell like home.  When the floors are cleaned with it, I feel like something has been made right.

Tummy is settling and my glass of water is almost gone.  I’m going to read a bit more before crawling back into bed.  Maybe I’ll sleep or maybe I’ll stay up and just let my day begin.  Aidan and I are having breakfast with Mum this morning.  Bren will sleep in, as will Todd.

Have a good Saturday,
moonfire.

Message to Jenny and the other moms out there

First off, Jenny!  I am so proud of you for making the change so you can have more time with your family.  I’m absolutely with you on this one.  Full-time work and school and family is a tough combination.  Finding ways to make it, even when you get hit in the shorts because of the pay drop, well… you know my opinion on that one.

I’ve been looking into all of the options I can find so I can pull off going to a part-time position with a library.  I already know that I’m going to see a massive (ie, more than 50%) drop in pay because I’ll get less than my current hourly.  But the pay off is that we’ll be eligible for some help that wouldn’t be there for us otherwise… I can pick up extra hours as a substitute for Boise School District…  and our financial aid profile will change.

I’m trying to be creative.  It’s more of that “coloring outside the lines” thing.  Over the past two days I’ve done just that.  I’ve sent out letters of interest to two libraries that don’t have positions posted.  I’m going to send out another letter tonight or tomorrow.  I’m going to keep trying and I’m going to keep in mind the goal.

So what is my message to other moms (and dads too… it’s really for parents period)…?

Do what is right for YOU based on what you and your family need.  Don’t worry about weird mixed-messages from the media… Don’t worry about judgements from other people.  Step outside your comfort zone and figure out creative ways to make your situation work for you.  It’s not easy….  I could say I’ve only been trying to figure it out for the last few months, but I’ve been trying to come up with something for YEARS.  If you’re lucky, things will come together.  At the worst, you’ll only get the satisfaction of knowing that you’re trying (I’m there right now). 

The key is to let go of your notions of restrictions and do what is best for your own family.  There is no “one size fits all” solution for families. 

I’ll keep everyone posted if something comes through for me.  In the meantime, everyone cheer for Jenny!!! 

moonfire.

He’s ready, but I’m not OR How come I feel like the worst mother in the world

Ok.  I’m getting weepy again.  I’ll add this caveat to what I’m about to write:  I’m in the midst of PMS and yes, there is chocolate on my desk.

My friend at work mentioned today the ads for school supplies and school clothes are starting to show up and it hit me – Oh crap!  I need to get Bren’s supplies for kindergarten.  Then the secondary thought hit that we need to get him school clothes and THEN the tertiary thought hit that my baby is going to school.

All of this combined and here I am, trying hard to NOT tear up.  I’m not ready.  I mean, I am because I know that it’s long past time for him to go to school, but ME… I’m not ready for me to see him go off.

He’s in a summer program, just one week long, for the local theater group.  It’s a funny little program, just one hour per day, and it’s starting his exposure to theater.  I’m glad we enrolled him in it because apparently he’s loving it.  Dad tells me that he can’t get out the door fast enough to go to it each day.

Intellectually-speaking, he’s most definitely ready to go to school and I think he’ll love all of the projects he’ll get to do.  Socially, he is going to be over the moon about being with other kids his age.  Kindergarten might just be the best year of school there is… with the art projects, the learning through play, and the sheer fun of it.  I say this, even though my little sister had to be pulled out of it, but that was for problems due to her meds (childhood epilepsy).

Why do I feel like the worst mother?  Well… That’s based on a bunch of things that maybe I shouldn’t be beating myself up over, but that’s the life of a mother.  We had the list of things (activities) to do this summer in order to prep him for school this fall.  There are areas where we do really well and, frankly, many where we suck big time (to extract a great quote out of “Sixth Sense”).

We haven’t been doing projects… We haven’t done arts and crafts things with him…  We haven’t worked on his printing…  and the list goes on.  All these things we were supposed to do.  Even worse?  He’s watched way too much tv.

He goes to school in a month and I feel like I’ve let him down already.  It’s a crappy feeling.

And I add to it that the fall is going to be busy for us.  I’ll be working full-time, unless something miraculous happens… I’ll be a 3/4 time grad student.  Todd will be a full-time student and working 24 hours a week.

I have to find the time to be available for Bren and still manage to do my school work.  So does Todd.

I’ve got to get my crap together and do a bit more.  And I sent out the letter to the Dean of the libraries here on campus, so perhaps I could find something part-time.  I simply can’t fit it all into my day.  It just isn’t going to happen.  I’m not super-mom.

So here’s my message to Bren:

Honey, you’re a really bright little boy and you make me proud of the fact that you seem to overcome your parents’ limitations.  Please bear with me for the next two years while I pump all this time into my education so I can be a better provider for you.  I promise to do my best for you during that time.  I promise to gather all my shreds of patience together so I can be a good mom for you and your little brother.

Please promise me that you’ll enjoy school and find the fun in learning, just like your dad and I have.

Love your mom.

A very interesting article

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/JubaksJournal/TheHugeThreatToTheUSEconomy.aspx

I read a lot of Jim Jubak’s Journal and this one, in particular, caught my attention. 

Todd and I watch the financial markets quite closely, mostly out of morbid curiosity at this point, as we’re not in a position to do much else.  But this is an instance where I really hope the US Government handles the situation wisely, because if they don’t, we, the small consumers, are going to get hit hard.

It’s going to be very interesting to watch what unfolds.  Isn’t that a Chinese curse?  “May you live in interesting times.”

Well, guess what folks?  We live in interesting times.

Cheers,
Moonfire.

Lost in space

I really don’t know if it would be possible to be more lost than I am right now.  See?  I’m sitting here, unable to even find the words to express where I am right now.

Ok, so physically I’m at work, but 100’s of thousands of drones have proven that you can be at a location physically, while still managing to be almost totally absent mentally.  I’m not exactly saying that I’m not here mentally, but I’m massively divided.  A small, rememedial portion is sitting here, clacketing away on the keys.  A larger, more complex portion is drifting away.

It’s not just one thing drawing me away from being focused on the here and now.  It’s actually a few things:  dissatisfaction with my work (we all know the endless whining on that one), the worries about our living situation – both the mess and the fact that it appears our landlord needs to get the house on the market now.  And then finally, even though I swore I’d never write about it again, that last vestige of past wrongs.  I won’t even acknowledge it further by putting it into writing.  It’s bad enough that it’s occupying any brain space at all. 

I’ve spent a lot of time over the years following the rules, playing nice, trying to do something meaningful.  Now here I am looking at the whole thing and wondering what the hell I’m doing.  I’m good with school.  It’s the one thing that I feel sure about.  I love my family and I’m certainly blessed to have a wonderful, supportive husband and two crazy, funny, smart boys.  Ok, that latter description works for my honey too.  I KNOW I’m lucky. 

I just worry that I’m bordering on completely letting them down.  I have a massive capability to do good things and an equally massive capability to completely screw up.  I’ve managed to demonstrate this over and over, throughout my life.  I’m fortunate that my mother is the great person she is…  she often acts as “Devil’s Advocate,” as well as bouncing board as I work through things.  She’s helped me pick up the pieces so often, that I can’t imagine how I would have survived this long without her.

I want to mention my little sister too… she’s far away, and, truth of it is that we are both on extremely different paths.  She’s a fantastic person – amazing in her passion and drive – we’re just in different parts of life right now.  I imagine, some day, we’ll reconnect a bit more.  Her husband’s a great guy too.  They are two of the people that I most look forward to watching with my boys.  I never thought I’d see the day that Kari would do a dive and roll into a living room, firing “finger guns” and hollering, but I’ve seen it first hand.  It’s an awesome thing.  And too, seeing Auntie Kari and Uncle Rob flopped on the couch after a day of playing with Bren?  That was an equally awesome thing.

Look… the fact is, I’m lucky in my family and I know it.

Maybe that’s it…  you can’t have luck in work AND family.  Well, it’s a theory.

I had to talk myself into being here this morning.  It’s to the point where I have to do it every morning.  Eight, sometimes more, hours per week day I come trudging into work.  I’d love to have good intentions and find the mental will to just ignore my apathy and dread, but I can’t seem to manage it.  The mess makes me nuts…  The lack of focus and direction make me feel disorganized.  The screwed up set-up makes me feel alone. 

I’m trying to be creative now.  Instead of following the rules and staying inside my comfort zone, I’m trying to think of how to “color outside the lines.”  I’m not doing much good being here, so I’d better figure out how to change my situation.  Sometimes you have to be the bad girl.  I guess I’m to that point now.

I’m done.  It’s time to get things going on the Project From Hell (PFH).  If I’m really lucky, I’ll have a “brain blast” (I LOVE Jimmy Neutron) and figure out how to escape the black hole I’m currently circling.

blah time 100,
moonfire (more like moon-flicker)

Can I please go home now?

Even with running Bren around to theater camp this morning and the fact that it got me out of the house, I still feel like the day is dragging.  Can I please, please, please go home now?

So… on Friday afternoon I talked with one of the higher-ups here in our office and expressed my concern about the invitation list which has grown to over 350 people.  This doesn’t include the 66 faculty or the 6 deans being invited.  She told me then that she had complete faith that the development director knew what she was doing on the list.  Today it came up again and this time she got a bit stressed about it. 

This happens to be a perfect example of what drives me nuts about my job.  I feel like I’m talking in a vacuum sometimes.  I don’t bring these things up just to have them hang out there.  It reinforces how frustrated I am.  I say this, because I’ve mentioned my concerns about my job and I get similiar types of responses. 

Nobody will step up and say, “No.  You’re right… we need to look at this more closely.”

I came up with some ideas about what I should do.  I’ve been following the rules too long.  It’s time to step out of my comfort zone and start putting the word out that I’m looking and I’m flexible.  I can’t stay in this position.  I will turn into the biggest, most raging bitch you’ve ever heard on a rant. 

That’s all I’m going to say for now since I need to add yet more names to the damned long list. 

Yes.  That’s me swearing.  You should hear me in person right now.  It’s not pretty.

moonfire.

Just got my butt kicked

I’m trying some new workout dvd’s.  Yeah, I know.  Hope springs eternal…  I chose these because the odds of my getting out to go dancing any time soon are so low as to need a microscope to read them.  Between Todd’s schedule and the two munchkins, I’m pretty much house-bound on weekends.  That’s only going to get worse as we get into our school routine.  So I picked up these dvds specifically because they are dance-based.  I’m trying to get Bren to do them too, but he’s got a little, teeny attention span, so that’s probably futile.  Still, he’s prompting me to pull them out, so it’s worth it.

Anyway, I did the beginner routine yesterday but Aidan was not thrilled with my attention away from him.  This means I need to be doing the workout when he’s asleep.  That’s easier typed than done though.  I thought I’d get up early this morning, but he beat me to the punch.  Damn it.  So I was trying to do it this morning, but midget-butt kept getting under my feet.  It ended up more like an obstacle course than dancing.  Bren pooped out about 5 minutes into it.  He just finished his more kid-appropriate ABC’s Yoga, so we’re good there.

I should have done the beginner one again.  I tried “House Your Body”…  It’s one of the dvds in the “Rockin Body” series.  Ok.  I admit, the name is beyond corny, but I love dancing.  It’s the one thing that I would do every night if I could.  I’ll dance for hours where it’s a struggle to get my butt riled up about going to the gym.  My second favorite thing is swimming, but again, no option available for that.  We don’t have the money for a membership and getting to the pool is fine, but I have to keep the baby safe… that means no lap swimming for mummy.

Back to House Your Body, HYB.  Um yep.  I was all cocky this morning, even as Bren was trying to tell me that we should do two of the workouts and I was telling him no way.  I started ok.  But within 5 minutes I was pooping out with Brennan.  Those are big moves and our living room space is wayyyy too small.  So that goes on the wishlist too.  I kept going though, moving around the baby and once in a while knocking him on his diaper.  At the 15 minute mark I was almost completely toast and the baby was starting to get testy with me.  His technique, at that point, is to stand directly in front of me, looking up with raised arms, and he squawks.  Loudly.

I ended the dvd sitting on the couch, baby on my lap with his bottle of juice, doing shimmies and wiggles from the waist up.  Baby was giggling and I still managed to end up soaking wet with sweat.

Tomorrow morning I’m returning to the beginning 15 minute routine.  Holy smokes!  I’m a big wuss.  I’ll do the 15 minute quickie and I’ll add to it with my walk into work.  I figure that’s not bad for someone in such bad shape.

For the record, all of these fitness folks are pretty irritating with their “pep-talky” attitude and their trim little bodies.  Makes me want to smack them sometimes.  But Sean T, the guy on these videos is gorgeous (in that “I have no body fat” kind of way) and hmmm…  I think I see a bit of swish to him.  Now that’s dancing for you, but here’s the deal:  My favorite place to go dancing is the gay club here in town.  Let’s face it, gay men know how to dance.  And they mostly know how to dress really well too.  So here I am, in my own home, with my own little dance club thing going on.  It’s the best.  Sean T makes me smile and I love the names of the moves.  Yeah, it’s corny sometimes, but alot of the moves are firmly grounded in traditional dance (Bren and I really love the “Salsa and Chips” move!).  I’ve only been doing this for two days, but I can tell you that I’m feeling muscles I forgot about.

Maybe I’ll be back to doing cartwheels in a few months?  I sure hope so.  That was beyond pathetic.

I’m still hoping that Bren will do these routines with me.  Not because I’m worried about his exercise level, even though I am a bit.  No.  I want him to do them with me so he can learn a bit about rhythm and how fun dancing can be.

A final note.  Today is a no-tv day in our house.  We had it on for the exercise dvds, but that’s it.  This afternoon we’ll play some music – not too loud, so we don’t wake up dad.  I’ve done the dishes and fed all of us relatively healthy breakfasts.  Now it’s time to get the baby down for a nap, take my shower, set up Bren doing some crafts and put in a load or two (or three) of laundry.  It’s not a super busy day in our household, but it’s full.

Crap.  I have to remember to take the movies back too.  We had Friday night movies here and they need to be returned.  At least that will get us out of the house for a bit.

Ok.  Time to rock the baby to sleep.  He has the hiccups, so this might be slightly problematic.  At least I get to sit for a bit.  I think I “rocked my body” a little too hard this morning.  Who knew that your side muscles could get a bit pooped out?

Cheers,
moonfire.

Oh crap, one more thing

Ok, first, so I don’t lose any momentum with it, please (please, please, please) read my post called Perspective.  I’m gaining some.

I did want to make a brief update on the ultrasound yesterday.  I’m healing well from the surgery and it looks like my old friends, the Ovarian Cysts, have rejoined me.  Knowing that’s all it is, I can just move on and life will sputter along as always.  They can be unpleasant and miserable, but they aren’t life threatening.  I’ve decided to name the two on my left ovary, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, at least until they burst and disappear.

Aidan is much, much better and we are doing everything we can to fatten him up.  Ironic that I need to drop several pounds while simultaneously fattening up my baby.  So here’s the deal, I’ll prepare a plate for myself and give him half.  I eat less… he eats more.  Doesn’t that sound perfect?

No more scary high temps…  Yes, I’m still bitchy and irritated about work, but as you’ll note in the Perspective post, I’m going to try to get over myself.

Now I’m going to go play with the baby.  I swear his first word is going to be “cheese.”  How perfect is that?

moonfire

and I’m gong to keep posting the donation link for Lisa…  http://clusterfook.com/donations/
look, I know not everyone can help, but if you can, even just a bit, please do…