I suck at balance

Worked my ass off this week. I mean, REALLY, worked my ass off.

Massive fibro flare state by Friday and super exhaustion, so I’m taking it easy on this three-day weekend. I’ll putter a bit, but the name of the game is sleep and rest.

That’s why this will be short.

I like the work and am getting almost a gamer-high from it. Weird, right? Not sure why, but I think it has to do with finishing things up on a tight timetable. It feels a lot like gaming and leveling up. I love billing out my time. It’s incredibly satisfying. Our company is having a virtual chess tournament for teams of four and it’s awful that the timing is so bad. I just can’t do it when I’m in such heaving learning phase at work. That, combined with it being 9 years since I last played, means I’ll have to do it next time. But how freaking cool is that???

I’m getting immense satisfaction from my work, which I like. It’s weird as I wouldn’t have thought this would 100% be my groove, but it really is hitting a great spot for me. I love the company culture and can feel myself settling in nicely.

Home life is good. I still need to clean and clean and organize and pack, but energy is in low supply after working an OT week. I’ll give myself a break today, then rally for the next two.

Spicy Ginger and I are doing great and I really need some adult time with him tonight. I just want to love and kiss on him.

The kids are surviving, so yay!

I hate this lingering winter weather and want it to GTFO. I’m tired so that’s the best I can express it for now. I’m tired of dry, scaly winter skin and the bite that hits when I go outside to see Spicy Ginger across the drive. I’d like mild temps, t-shirts and shorts and happy chickens.

Anyway, that’s it. I have nothing else to note for this week. I’m going to go curl up on the couch with my soft blanket and perhaps enjoy a silly movie of some sort.

Moonfire

Naming It and Letting Go

I’ve been feeling better ever since I wrote that entry early this morning. For some reason, just being able to call out my feelings helped.

Life is weird. I don’t know that it’ll ever be a comfortable place for me… this world, I mean. I feel like I’ll always be fighting to get my fit and I’ll always be disappointed in myself. But the more I acknowledge that sense about how I take in the world and navigate it, the more I feel my body calming down.

I’ve been stimming a lot at night lately and that’s not unheard of for me, but it’s usually when my stress or my emotions are running hot. I could try to ignore how I am feeling about my failing so consistently, but I usually find that just pushes it down into even more physical impact.

So instead I’ll keep it out in the open and maybe it will start to heal somewhat. I can’t change what I am. I don’t think I want to, honestly. I like this brain, even when it’s reallly hard to cope with it sometimes.

A long time ago my nana told me that she thought I had a fear of failure. I don’t think that’s it, actually. I think it’s more a fear of continuing to fail because it has become my hallmark.

I don’t know. I’ll have to think on it some more.

In the meantime, I like the work I’m doing. It’s a good fit for me and I’m surrounded by a ton of people who appear to be quirky like I am. Several of us are highly literal and it’s comedy. I like the analytical nature of the work and I’m taking to it quickly. I like the patterns. Oh! I got my first paycheck today, too! It was higher than expected and I need to check out why that is. Still, the timing was so good. My credit union puts it in my account a day early and hell, I needed it.

Yes. I’m rambling, but some day I’ll come back and read these entries again and remember this time and space. So it’s valuable to do this stream-of-consciousness writing.

Anyway, I’m tired. Tomorrow will be another busy day and I have to get things done, but then Youngest and I are going to have dinner together. We’ve come through a lot and we need this.

Spicy Ginger… I don’t even know where to begin to write about where we are. He is simply wonderful. We spark and we’re sometimes fiesty with each other (ie, verbal sparring) and seeing him each day makes me feel like a cat in a sunbeam.

So that’s it’s for me tonight. I need sleep and I want to let my brain process the feelings bouncing around.

Moonfire

Failure to Achieve

I hate the title for this post, but it’s the middle of the night and I want to get these thoughts done, so this is it.

First, I have to say that my intelligence has always been my “thing”. I don’t have talent or beauty… just this brain that absorbs things – not always the things I want to absorb (hello… Calculus, I’m looking at you) – but it was my one thing that I had to offer.

And to be clear this isn’t about a sense of superiority or ego. I have this massive need to see people find their own success, no matter what that may be. I see the successes of other people and it’s not envy or wanting to be superior to them… I see them as data points to support the notion that success IS possible.

Then there is me. My brain lets me know what is POSSIBLE. It’s this tantalizing and beautiful thing that I know I could be. I am not the type of ADHD and autism who has always had external messages about my lack. Oh no. I have had glowing reviews and from the outside I got messages that I COULD do it… whatever that “it” was.

They didn’t see inside, where the battle was going. I can see the potential. And I can’t get there.

I can smell the freshly baked goodies and I can’t eat them. That’s what my own sense of failure is like. This isn’t me trying to be dramatic or seek reassurance because I’ve had reassurance my entire life (except a couple instances with my sibling, but that’s another story).

So much more to write and this is just me evacuating these 4am thoughts from my brain. The crux of it being: This is why I broke when I learned that I was hired at the lowest level for my new position. It’s not about the money – although certainly this is a great example of the ADHD tax at work! It’s not about Ego. Hell. I want to rally for better wages for those below me and I truly feel joy for the successes of those I work with.

It’s my sense of my own epic failure to convey my worth and ability. Kind words from my coworker yesterday comforted me in a way that I haven’t felt in years. She is the best and I am so very lucky to be hired with her. I hope years from now I see this as the budding of a long-term friendship, much like Mrs. HH and Mrs. MGB and Mr. DM. Not because of what they give me, but because of who they are – deep and beloved friends I found at work.

That was a deviation from my intent but recognition has to happen. I’m just recognizing the sadness that is my companion. It’s not the effort of living with chronic pain/illness… It’s the sadness I don’t always know is there until these 4am brain sessions happen. I don’t want pity or attention when I let out these feelings. They are mine and I own them completely, whether others might find them rational or not.

When I had the severe loss of cognition back in 2020, it was like losing an arm or leg for me. The cataract surgery gave me back so much, so that analogy fails as arms and legs don’t grow back. It was so much of my core identity… I can’t explain it. I needed it or what did I have left to offer? (all or nothing thinking… whoo yeah)

Two concussions and I lost more. Goodbye sense of location and hello limits on expressive language!

Healing happened over the last three years and here I am, working for a company where I may be able, finally, to achieve my potential. That’s why I hit this black period this week when I realized, via data points, that I wasn’t seen and hadn’t managed to express my value or potential.

That’s all. That’s the core of my depression this week. It will lift. I’ll move on and it will retreat to the background noise in my brain.

But don’t think – not for one second – that my ADHD tax hasn’t cost me dearly during my lifetime. Lost potential and with it, lost wages? Oh yeah. That’s a big one.

Moonfire

Tired and Emotional

Friday was the end of my first two weeks at my new job. I made the right choice in going for it and I’ll be very happy there. As with all things, it has pros and cons to it, but there’s nothing that makes me want to run for the hills. I like the company and the culture. Ultimately, I think it’s the right place for me to be and I truly hope at some point they really see what I have to offer.

I’ve thought a lot about this over the years and I think that’s all I really want: to be really seen and appreciated. I don’t think that has happened for me in my work life. I’ve come close, but never really and truly reached that.

I do feel seen in my relationship and that keeps me sane right now. It’s funny to think that I was worried about it just a few short weeks ago. I think the experiences that govern how I see the world have tinted my perspective.

Anyway, I’m dizzy and tired and today has been a really emotional day for me, with both highs and lows. All I really want right now is sleep and at some point (like after I get paid Friday) I want chocolate cake with ice-cream and chocolate sauce.

Yes. I recognize that this is emotional eating. I don’t fucking care.

Saturday will be the beginning of my serious trek to get my health back.

Right now I think I’ll just curl up in bed and let the fatigue take me.

Moonfire