Thursday in a short week

I’m wiped out and it seems like this always happens in the short weeks. I really needed more time off, if I’m going to be honest.

But that’s life as a working person, so I’ll just roll with it.

I’m so grateful that Spicy Ginger is my friend. Having a lover is a great thing and I love him in so many different ways, but this friendship is one of my favorite parts about us. Over the years the friendship has ebbed and flowed, with lots of changes as we have grown older. He used to have this edgy energy to him that both attracted and made me cautious. He was a wild child in his 20’s and now he’s grown into an amazing man. When he turned 50 this month I celebrated with him and his best friends. I felt so completely at home. It’s like I am synced up with him now, finally, after years of us orbiting each other and waiting for that special alignment.

I’m seeing this with other people in my life, too. I’m not sure what’s causing it. Has time and growth happened, so now we are finding a new way of being in this time?

Moonfire

Wishlist

I decided to post this here, as things are chaotic over here in our current apartment and I want to make note of these little goals and hopes and dreams for my life as I move into the new time where I won’t have to fret over job searching or new home. Phwew. Big sentence, right?

I’d like to become a maker again. Things I want to start learning or continue: pottery – both hand-built and thrown, whittling, weaving on a lap loom, crochet, felting, working with natural fibers and materials, painting, drawing, and transitioning away from bought items to items that I make for myself.

I want to live in a more sustainable way, which means reducing the amount I consume and discard. I want to learn canning and bread-making (but please… in a simple way). I want to recycle or compost as much as possible and I’d like to do all I can to get rid of bringing in new plastics to the home/life. What plastics I do have already, I’d like to keep and re-purpose. I want to grow my food but do it in a smart way so that I can keep up with it while working full time and being a bit absent-minded.

In essence? I’d like to be more like my mum was when I was a kid. I’d like to get myself and my household to a point where first I go a month without buying anything (and the timing on this will be next summer at the earliest, as I have to take all the preliminary steps to getting there). After I get through a month, I’d like to work up to longer and longer periods of time.

I’d like to learn one musical instrument. I’m not sure which one. I’m interested in drumming but I like the sound of strings. Or maybe a handmade pipe? No idea at this point. Maybe making my own instrument would be satisfying and give me something to work towards, little by little.

These are all just on my wishlist right now and I’m not fixed in stone about what I will do or when I’ll do it. Mostly I just want to make sure that I note it all down here. Spicy Ginger is the kind of person who will be encouraging and supportive of me in these endeavors and he’ll be open to teaching me in the areas where he already knows about them.

And on that note – my oh my. That man. Words are failing me. Humor, passion, friendship, and hugs that I dream about – these are all things that make up our interactions and that just doesn’t do it justice.

I’ve pondered it a great deal and I’d be highly content just living next door to him as his friend, if it ever came to that. I love him a great deal – all of him. But I don’t need things to be a certain way. I will say; however, that I do love our sexual energy. Holy smokes. We are combustion on legs. I’m learning more and more that love doesn’t need to follow strict processes or societal expectations. It’s hard to break off from those learned things that are pounded into our heads, but it’s possible.

Anyway, that’s my random thoughts for today. I don’t know how long it will take to put these hopes into action, but I’ll just do what I can as possibilities open up. Oh! Add a bit of writing into that mix. Maybe a short story or a poem or two, as the creative spirit lights into me. Perhaps I’ll cast off the rigidity in my writing that my work has brought out. Maybe I’ll find myself in retirement living a soft life with my chickens and my friends and my making/music.

What a lovely thought that is!

Moonfire

What day is it??

As if the days are not blending enough, toss in a Monday holiday and things are really messed up. I’m trying to work today, but my mind is distracted in a 1000 different ways. I realized this morning that I need a good long break but that isn’t possible with work and prepping for the move. I have to hoard my vacation time so I have enough to cover the week I’m taking off for the move from here to the new place.

A super positive? Youngest keeps telling me how excited he is to move to the new place. He’s already getting attached to the chickens over there. I am too, if I’m honest. They are such fat, greedy little hens, with personality and their shiny iridescent black feathers. I know it’s going to be a tight fit with the three of us in a two-bedroom place, but I can’t help seeing it as a positive for all the other things it will bring into our lives. The remodel they are doing is really nice and it will feel like a brand new place when we get there.

It still leaves me dealing with our place here and that’s a drag on my spirits. It’s not that I don’t find satisfaction in taking steps for the move. It’s that the amount of work to be done feels incredibly overwhelming. Add in the fact that my sleep schedule in awry and it’s slowing me down where progress is concerned. I keep thinking about the scene in Labyrinth, with the old woman who has things piled on her and is walking through a trash heap. That’s how all the stuff feels right now. It’s all tied to my back, weighing me down. This next Saturday X and I have made a date to deal with the garage and the stuff that is packed away in there. It’s a one-car garage that is still substantially packed with stuff. I will be honest that I am only sure about a couple things that are in there. The rest is either X’s or it’s stuff that has been boxed so long that I’ve forgotten about it.

Crap. I just realized I need to pack up the items I want to take over to donate today so I can see some progress in things leaving. I guess I’ll have to cut this short.

The basic notion is already here, though. I’m tired. I have a lot to do. I need to function for work and I need to actually SEE progress in packing for our move so I don’t continue to feel overwhelmed. That’s about it. I know… you eat an elephant one bite at a time. Ewww. I like elephants and don’t want to eat them. But the idea is universal. Big projects happen one small action at a time. I just need to keep making forward progress.

Moonfire

Dust and Sunshine

Spicy Ginger brought me packing supplies today.  He smelled of dust and sunshine and I got a hug that I felt through to my spine and out again.

I have so much to do and I’d love to just chuck a lot of things, focus on small steps towards my future, and let go of the baggage that hangs on from the past.  It’s not just feelings, either.  There are so many things packed into this space and I don’t really need all that much when I leave here.  I could take the basics and leave the rest.

But life isn’t that simple, so I’ll sort through stuff.  I will keep things that are meaningful and try to find a way to get rid of the rest.  It’s especially hard looking at the things strewn on the table beside me.  Why do we need so much stuff??

When I’m at the new place I talk to the hens.  They’re such funny, fat goth chickens with their black feathers and orange eyes.  I love it when they run after me.  Such greedy birds and so soft when you touch them.  I like clucking to them and having those little conversations where you just know we’re all gossiping about bits and pieces from our day.  They like the dried meal worms.  I never thought I’d be handling dried meal worms.  It doesn’t bother me and neither does the poop.  I see fertilizer for my gardens where others would see mess.

I see potential, too, in the blank space of my future home.  The prior tenants have moved out now and it’s bare.  It will be remodeled before I move in, so it will be fresh and new.

I love being over there now, anyway.  There is something peaceful and homey about that little neighborhood, with the equipment for the kids to play with and the vegetation and the space where my cats will be able to play.  I’ll have a garage for storage and maybe even enough space to set up a few tools of my own.  Oldest can use the space for her projects and perhaps I’ll feel less like she’s risking blowing up pickle juice and vinegar all over my living space.

But most of all… Youngest will have space to get outside and explore.  I need him to be away from his electronics and I’d really like him to enjoy the chickens.  It has been a bright spot for him at his school, so I’m hopeful for the same at home as well.  He needs fresh air and a chance to be a kid rather than some kind of pasty semi-adult.

I don’t want to dismiss how good it will be to live across from my friend and lover, either.  I am not naive.  I know how much I love being around him.  I enjoy his humor and his busy nature.  In the mornings, when he wakes up fully, he starts a motor hum that is his signal that he is rumbling along for the day.  He is kinetic energy.  I find that I vibe with his energy in a great way.  I find it inspiring and that’s why he has had me out in the garden, on a Saturday evening, weeding my future strawberry bed or detailing my car.  These things are fun with him because he enjoys them.  That positive energy lifts me up and buoys my spirit.

I know that I am empathic to the energies of those around me and his energies are just the right thing for me.  I know being outside is where I should be – with the green growing things and the dust and the chickens and the sounds of the irrigation ditch running through the back of the property.  Yeah, it will get hot and I’ll pull out my old gardening hat (the one that makes the kid laugh at me) and I’ll wear my shorts and let my legs get brown.  I will eat things I grow.  I’ll keep my living space clean and tidy.

That’s all I really want from this.  I don’t need anything else special out of my new plans.  My fresh start is about my taking better care with my life and giving a little more attention to the things that I really find important.  All the rest can just fall away, little by little.  Spicy Ginger is a great part of that because he inspires me and feeds my spirit, but it’s still all up to me to manifest what I want in my new world.  I really think I’m ready for this.

I read an article this morning about retirement and why so many hate it.  The article mentioned the big story arc and how we often forget about what comes after.  I will be working for the next 20 years – at least – and this new path?  It’s my happily ever after into the twilight years.  I’ll putter and grow and talk to my animals and love on my kids and my family and my Spicy Ginger.  It’s not some romantic dream of perfect life where I do nothing.  It’s about my finding my little oasis in the midst of all this crappy world and just doing the things that feed my spirit.

I may end up with just me and the cats and chickens at some point.  I know how life works and I don’t expect things from other people around me, as they have their own plans too.  I just hope I get to keep doing these things I enjoy as I get old and dumpy and gray because this path is one I feel like I’ve been waiting for.  If SG and I are still fooling around like teenagers sneaking back and forth across the driveway at 80 and older?  Oh yeah, I’d love that too.

Moonfire

A big thank you to my guardian angel

Application for new rental is done. Got current rental extended to date I needed.

Sounds small, but I had an uncomfortable two days where it looked like things were going to hell.

Got back on track with deadlines for work. Have a lot more to do tomorrow. Sent Spicy Ginger naughty photos from my last 20 years. It felt good to share them with him. I also got snaps of some gorgeous pics of him when he was young. It has kind of knocked me for a loop.

And that’s all I have. Time to wind down for sleep.

Moonfire