One tired mom

Tired doesn’t even begin to describe it.  I didn’t know that using your brain could be so exhausting.  Given the alternative, I’m glad I’m at my new company but why do I have to be so tired all the time???  At the rate I’m going, my bedtime is going to be 8pm so I can have enough rest to get up at 5am and go to the gym.  Going after work is simply NOT going to happen… and hasnt’ for almost two weeks.

Even worse…. we’ve got a yellow air quality alert and I feel crappy all the time.  oy.

I talked to a wonderful lady yesterday who brought up something I’ve thought for years…  She told me that we have the work week all flipped around.  We should work 2 days per week and be with our families for 5.  I told her even working 4 and being off 3 would be better.  By the time I get to Sunday I’m just starting to finally wind down.  I hit Sunday evening and all I can think is “WAIT!  I’m not ready yet!”

The heat is sapping my energy too.  It’s now into daytime highs in the 90’s.  The lovely, cool rainy days are gone and we’re left with hot, dry baking weather.  If I were a cookie it’d be fine, but I’m not and this weather sucks.

Even just sitting here, in the morning air, I’m already hot and sweaty.  Work is air-conditioned, but sometimes it isn’t quite enough.

Time for a cool shower and some light clothes.  I think I have enough energy to make it to the door of my work building… stagger inside… and crawl to my desk.  I have a beastly 9am call that I am NOT looking forward to.  Yay for me.

Cheers from an exhausted moonfire


Looks gross, tastes yummy…. my breakfast

My trainer told me to do this, so I’m trying it.

Beyond the visual effect, it tastes good.  What is it?  A Banana/Raspberry-Applesauce (no sugar added)/vanilla Spirutein powder/spinach smoothie.

Yes.  I put raw spinach in it.

Other than the soothing, minty-green color, I can’t taste spinach and I put a good handful in (maybe a loose 1/2 cup).  I can taste the banana and the Spirutein vanilla powder, with the slightest hint of “freshness” that I can’t couch in any other terms, but I don’t taste spinach and if I didn’t know it was in there, I wouldn’t even guess it.

Can’t even really smell it in there.  The powder and the banana overpower everything else.

I’m not stretching reality here, either.  I seriously can’t taste the spinach.  I’m not sure how much a 1/2 cup qualifies for on the “veggie spectrum”, but I’ll say this…. It’s more spinach than I ate yesterday, which was precisely none.

As for working out and weight loss… I got distracted for a bit.  I was tired, worn out from the rushing pace of our life, and I turned inward the last week.  I think I’m recovering and getting back to myself, but I still feel the tug of all those pressures.  The house is still a mess and my weight is still up at a level where my health is at risk.  I’m (thankfully) really busy at work and then home is chaotic and not necessarily a place of refuge.  It means that I feel worn out most of the time.

My intuition tells me that the key to it all is getting some fitness into my daily routine… something, anything, that gets me moving.

But it’s time to close this down.  The kids are off to gramma’s house.  Todd is back in bed.  The dog is racing up and down the stairs.  I’m not sure what’s up with him, other than summer fever?

And it’s time for me to get ready for the day ahead.

Cheers from a crazy moonfire.

Ah, so this is what it feels like to relax…

I was dead tired last night, so I took a night for relaxation and read “The Foundation” by Isaac Asimov.  I read it a couple times in my late teens and I found a copy on our bookshelf, so I “allowed” myself to dig in last night.  I’d forgotten how good it is to read really outstanding science fiction.  It’s inspiring and it was the perfect way to de-stress.  There is something wonderful about losing yourself in a well-written book… even more, there is something wonderful about losing yourself in a reality so disparate from our own.  It’s the ultimate vacation.

Tonight I went to my training appointment, reluctantly, but I went anyway.  I’m glad I did.  He got me back on track and made me feel that I’m not insane for attempting this reconstruction of my body.  He broke the ice with me tonight, which was a very good thing, and we ended up talking about concerts we’d seen.  I really needed to make a better connection with him because this is very important to me and I need to feel that I can trust him.  Weird… but I can’t explain it better than that.

I’m tired now.  I got some groceries to make life easier for myself.  It’s been a struggle finding things to pack for lunch.  I got things that are easily plunked together and highly portable.  I’m taking my trainer’s advice and adding some leafy greens to my protein shake….  the banana will (hopefully) cover up the odd taste.  I’ll keep you posted on how successful (or not) that one is.

And finally, I still love my job but it is tough work and the last few days have been really hard.  I can feel my sense of spirit being tested.  I think it’s because my (limited) patience is being worn down with my lack of knowledge.  I’m getting better, but I still feel like an absolute ass.  I have been exceedingly fortunate that my customers have been so good-natured.  I suspect my luck may soon run out in that arena.   I noticed that one of our reps got a woman today who actually said she didn’t want to talk to the rep because she didn’t want to talk to someone who “didn’t know anything.”  I was miserable at that thought because I’m certain she would have decimated me…

As I’ve said before, though, and will say many more times… I’d rather be there and have it tough than be at my old job, bored… miserable… and utterly not needed.  Being useless sucks but not even being needed sucks more.

I am going to go crawl into a hot, soaky bath and try to ease my sore body.  My sore mind will have to live with digging into stories about Harry Dresden, Wizard.  So far I’m absolutely in love with the writing style – kind of mystery/noir meets fantasy.  Cool stuff indeed.

I’ve got no energy left so that’s my signal.  It’s bed time.

Cheers to all on a lovely middle-of-the-week evening,

Last project just submitted…

So that’s it.  I got the second part of the final project done and submitted.  My analysis was short and, in my opinion, weak… but there you are.  There really wasn’t much to say that the numbers didn’t already say.  They gave us the format of the spreadsheet, so it was a matter of watching your present value amounts and entering in the formulas so the sheet would calculate everything.  I suppose that’s what they wanted, although it seemed fairly simplistic to me.

Maybe I’d just be a major hard-ass if I were the prof…

Anyway.  It’s done and submitted.  Before the day of the deadline.  Now I’m done for almost three weeks.  What a relief!

Time for bed and then it’s a big day tomorrow.

And for those that keep asking… Yep.  I STILL love my new job.  I’ve been there a month and the honeymoon is still on.  I even had some tough calls today… really, really tough calls.

Cheers from one sleepy moonfire

Time to wind down after a busy weekend…

Saturday I got my last learning module done in the morning, then I forcefully WILLED myself to get the two finals done.  I had 3 1/2 hours to take each one and got both done in a total of 3 1/2 hours…. which felt good.  My Managerial Accounting final was one of the toughest I’ve ever had to take and I’ll count myself as very happy if I managed to squeak out an A, although a B will be just fine thank you so much.

I just spent 3 1/2 hours knocking out a final two-part project for my AIS class.  I am seriously pissed at myself for not getting that thing done two weeks ago… or even the first week of class.  Lesson learned there.  Todd said it sounded good though, so that’s something.  If I get even just 50% of the total 130 points for it, I’ll be happy since I think I may have pulled a high A or even 100% on the final.  I was cruising on that puppy.

I have one small 60 point project to finish up for my Managerial Accounting class and I’d hoped to have time tonight, but I don’t so I’ll finish that one up on Tuesday and then that’s it.  AIS is totally finished and I went into the final with a 99.4, so I can’t complain.  Up until the final and the final project, I missed 3 points of the total 570 available.  I can’t feel bad about that at all….

Managerial?  Well… Let’s just say that it was a struggle for me, right to the end.  My heart wasn’t in it.  I want to go back and learn more financial accounting… more in depth.  My next class is Intermediate Accounting.  I’m praying that some of it goes back to Financial….

It took all of the willpower I could summon up on Saturday to start on those finals.  I was seriously, seriously burnt out by that point.  Tonight it was a struggle to finish up my final project and I am debating whether or not I need to kill myself getting that small 60 point assignment done for Tuesday.  I’d like to “think” I could be a slacker and blow it off, but honestly?  I doubt it.  I like doing analysis, so I could probably work through the project and get it done easily in two hours.

I guess the problem is that I just want to be done right now.  Based on what I needed to pull off a B in that class, I went into the final (worth a total of 250 points) needing 150 points…  The 60 would just seal the deal on an A.  How much does my ego need that?  On the other side of it – Am I being disrespectful to my prof by NOT doing it??  If I am, then that stinks and I need to get my ass in gear and do it.

Yes.  This is just how my brain works.  Scary, isn’t it?

I’m having a bit of lemon pie and then it’s time for bed.  I’ve had some cuddle time with my kids and I had a lovely lunch with my family and our dear, long-time friend (verging on brother) Maxx…

It has been a busy, but great weekend.  I know I’d feel an amazing sense of relief when all of this was over and yes… I know that I’m not quite done, but I’m close enough that it feels like I’ve already crossed the finish line.  I have 3 classes of 15 total done.  I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me, but for right now I feel like it’s all going to be ok.

That’s it.  I’m toast.  Have a good night.


A better day….

Got sleep last night.  Still tired today, but have begun to think that getting these two classes done will solve the core of the problem.  Had both a good and a rough day at work.  I felt like I was groping around to get things done with my customers, but I got a compliment from one of them (and her sister).  I contributed today, even if it was still minimal.

I am really wiped out and decided to take a night off from working out.  I’ll get to the gym Saturday and Sunday, even if it’s just basic walking/cardio.  But no matter what, the focus this weekend has to be on finishing up my classes and getting that pressure off my back.

I’m not worried about the finals, but I am concerned about my motivation concerning the final projects.  I think this is the big problem with being worn out…. it undermines my ability to do what needs to be done.  I’ll find it and I’ll do the work, but it will be a huge fight to the finish line.

Now… with my next class, I plan to address it more like I did my first one…  I handed the final project in early and I got the final out of the way in a timely manner.  I was on top of it and I had good focus.  This is a different situation, with the two classes, but I could have handled it better… I suppose.

Ahhh well.  It’s all about learning…


Bren is off camping with his grandpa.  It’s a father/son camping trip and if Todd’s 20th HS reunion weren’t this weekend, he’d be going with the boys.  I miss Bren, but I’m excited that he gets this one on one time with his grandpa.  And I guess this brings me up to an uncomfortable thought…  It’s good that they’re together.  Bren was always (and still is) a tough kid to deal with sometimes.  He is passionate, emotional, dramatic and very intense.  I think he’s wonderful, but I also know that he can press you into insanity.  Aidan, by contrast, is mostly easy and crazy-funny.  He’s more laid-back than Brennan, although… apparently, we all share the same hot temper.  But no matter how you shake it out, Aidan is easier to deal with.  This means that sometimes I worry that Bren will not be appreciated as much for who he is…

All of this is ironic, really, when you consider that I often feel like my dad doesn’t even think about Aidan at all.  This is a touchy subject for me and one I am cautious to write about, but where I’m headed here is this:  I think it could be easy for people to end up with a “favorite” between the two boys and it bugs the hell out of me.  I love my boys to the ends of the universe and back again and just thinking about someone choosing one over the other hurts me for them.  (If that makes any sense at all??)

They are both my guys – each with their own, independent spirit and strengths/weaknesses.  Maybe, in the end, all I want is for them to be appreciated for themselves…

Ok.  My small dude is home and we’re going to go have some dinner together.  Then it’s homework, review and early to bed so I can be really rested for tomorrow’s tests.

Cheers to all on this mellow day,

A down day…

Work was good – so this has no reflection on that.  Unfortunately, I went to the gym later than I wanted to and it was the beginning of the end.  I was supposed to do my cardio and my weights tonight.  Got in a bare minimum cardio workout and couldn’t face the weights.  It actually got to the point where I was feeling completely emotional and needed to leave.

I’m fairly certain it’s hormones and fatigue mixing in a big bad way.

Normally I leave the gym feeling great.  Tonight?  I felt like a big fat failure and wanted to just go crawl in bed.

Well…. maybe that’s exactly what I need.  Maybe I just need sleep and a night off from worrying about the final push for school.  I’ve been going hard for the last four weeks – ever since my birthday weekend.  At some point I think a person just gets worn out on all of the pressures.  I wish I could just enjoy the fact that I’ve got a job I love with a company that I think is fantastic.  Yesterday the CEO of the company told me that they are really glad to have me there and he told me that he enjoys seeing my smile.

And I don’t want it to sound like I don’t love my program of study, because I do.  It’s just a case of taking on more than I can handle in a reasonable day.  I need to lose weight, keep my kids safe and healthy, learn a new job that is intellectually challenging, AND manage to study for two classes that are dense with material.

I’m not complaining.  I don’t have a single thing to complain about right now -ok, except for my weight which is my own damn fault.

I just feel weepy and awful, seemingly for no reason I can discern.

The day I was driving up to my new job, I remember getting a bit emotional and just praying that I wouldn’t fail at this.

I kind of feel like that tonight.  I feel like a failure for letting myself down about working out.  I feel like I blew it.  I can acknowledge what I DID accomplish tonight, but it was less than 1/2 of what I needed to do.  I looked up my BMI and I’m in a scary, high-risk, zone.  This is outside the realm of vanity – because, frankly, I’ve become accustomed to how I look.  And maybe that’s a bit scary too, because I’ve become so focused on other areas that I really don’t care enough about my physical condition.

That’s my emoting for now.  I need to go clean myself up and try to work out where all this emotion is coming from.  It can’t be for nothing, can it???  I’m not the wimpy, emotional person I was last fall.  I’ve found my footing about a lot of things.  I guess that’s why this is coming as such a shock.  It feels really out of the blue.

We can’t have great days every day.  Sometimes things just have to rebalance.  This must be my “rebalancing” day.


I’m off to soak my sore body.  G’Nite from moonfire