Complications and the Blues

I’m having some post-op complications in my right eye. Work is… sad. It’s cold. I’m recovering from being sick and I’m tired, but don’t want to sleep because it brings about the next day and right now that’s not something I look forward to. Spicy Ginger and my family are my bright spots.

I’m not all sad-sack constantly, it’s just that I’m stressed and feel pinned, which is never a great place for me to be. Why is money so critical to every fucking thing? I hate it.

My supervisor manages to get in digs with me on a frequent basis and it’s wearing me down. It doesn’t matter how much I like a job when I have to dodge crap like this and it tends to come at me randomly. I’m to the point where I dread going in to work and have to psych myself up in order to do it. I’ve worked so hard on improving things in my position and it feels like “why bother?” – again, this makes it hard to go in.

I’m in financial limbo for several things that could make our world easier and every single one of them is radio-silent right now. Instead, I’m fighting to hang on and juggling things so we can get through this hairy time. So add to my stress when I find out that I’m making almost $10K per year less than the next lowest paid in the financial office. And to top it off, I’m being trained as back-up for that person making more than me. And I have the most education, which feels completely worthless but really is more a result of the downward spiral I’ve been on for many years.

Does it sound like a pity party over here? Maybe it is. Spicy Ginger is tremendously supportive and he understands my frustration. His love and humor are keeping me going at a time when I question how to rally my spirits. I’m grateful for my restored vision, even as I’m having issues with my eyes that I’d hoped would be gone. It would be nice to have confidence that things will improve. It really would.

I just don’t know that anything much is going to get better and sometimes it gets to me.

I want to be in a more positive mood, but in order for that to happen, I need something to hang my hat on. I’ll have to give it some thought and see if I can’t come up with something that I can hold on to while I’m sitting at work. It’s not that there aren’t positives around me, it’s that the worries are bigger and weigh a lot more.

Moonfire