Twinkle Lights and Some Quiet

The boys are in bed.  The twinkle lights are on, tiny glows in our little haven.  The house has finally calmed down and it’s time for bed.  I got some of what I wanted to accomplish squared away.  Some, I didn’t.  That’s life.  I’m going to read for a little while, then it’s snooze time.  I wish the weekend had lasted just a little longer, but then again, I’d probably have seen that time go by too quickly as well.

Monday is coming, with busy-ness and work and school and the weekday rush.  I think I’ll go crawl under the covers, read until my eyes are drowsy, then drift off…

Cheers on this Sunday evening.  Peace to you and yours…

moonfire

Sunday thoughts

I’m preparing to back up my laptop and install Vista Ultimate.  Todd and the boys are outside, enjoying the new space.  I’m a bit jealous that they have the freedom to do it but I know it’s not forever.  Two more weeks of work and I’m done!  Well… I’ll be done for a three week period and then it’s back to the grind, but at least I’ll only be doing ONE class then.

The house is a disaster.  It’s painful to look at.  We got one space under control, but the other is ridiculous.  I can’t give in to the urge to deal with it though.  I have to get on the ball with my classes.

I also need to go soak my sore, tired body.  Our gardening adventure has left me with bug bites, sore muscles and a complaining back.  It feels good.  (yeah, I know.  Weird)

Aidan’s in now and he’s acting tired.  It’s 11am.  I wonder if he’ll take a nap.  He looks like he needs one, but trying to get that to intersect with him actually going down?  It’s not always successful.

I give up.  My brain is being pulled in several different directions and I simply can’t focus.  Time to back up the computer and get through the installation process.  It’s either painful now or it’s painful later.  No choices.

cheers on a overcast but still hot Sunday,
moonfire

Haven

We worked on a garden tonight.  This is a miracle because Todd & I are NOT gardeners.  Bren was digging holes too.  We have a new trellis with honeysuckle and clematis.  We have some creepers and some African Daisies.  It looks pretty, although it’ll look better in a month or two, when things start growing in.

We also got an inexpensive gazebo canopy thing (10×10) to cover the patio.  This will cool down the living room since it heats up every morning with the sun coming in.

So we went from a hot, dry, unwelcoming space to a space where, even in the 90 degree weather today, it’s a nice place to hang out.  We’re going to hunt down the Christmas twinkle lights and put those up too.  Pretty AND functional.  I like it.

Time for some Lost before we all get showered and go to bed.  Tired….  Got the first 1/2 of my final project done for Managerial Accounting.  Now tomorrow is cleared for AIS.  Yay!!!

Cheers for tonight.

moonfire

got it back

Weird.  This format must have been edited.  Well, blog roll is back.  Phwew.

Now I can resume my previously scheduled activities and stop hyperventilating.  Boy.  Leave a blog to flounder for a bit and look what happens!

oy.

What the heck??

My blogroll is gone.  What happened???  Dammit.

Saturday morning with my guys

I’ve been up for a couple hours and already we’ve had toddler drama, 6-year old smiles and a groggy daddy drag himself out of bed.  I’ve done some laundry… read some of my AIS text….  eaten a few crackers and read an interesting blog.  I have final projects to work on, sadly, and I think we’re going to trundle off to Elmer’s for some family breakfast and laughter.

I am stopping and taking a moment to assess… Yes, life is good.  It’s funny, but sometimes it’s good to stop and just acknowledge it.  We had a “status update” meeting at work yesterday and I felt the same sort of satisfaction about where I am there as I feel at home.  It’s a sweet, yet mixed feeling.  There is never enough time, is there?  I am finding enjoyment at work that will only increase as my knowledge base increases.  At the same time, I’m excited to see the backside of these two classes (well… actually, only managerial.  I wish I had more time to spend with AIS) – I want to spend at least ONE weekend with my family, not thinking about school or work or external things.  I want to just BE with them.

We’re listening to some great music from the late 80’s – music that friends we know had made wayyyy back when.  It’s touching a nostalgic nerve.  I feel connection to who I was back then and a little peace.  We are so different.  We’re not static, are we?  I was emotionally fragile then.  I had big dreams and deep desires.  I lived intensely.  I loved people and had them let me down.  I had people that loved me and I let them down.  I fought against so many things.  I wanted to impact the world.  I wanted to be an active force of change, but often I felt powerless.

Now?  I am accepting, so much more than I was then.  My dreams are more grounded in the simple, almost mundane.  Small things make me happy, like a Saturday morning with my family… and perhaps that’s not so small, to a person with few days left on the planet – it’s all about context.  I have thicker skin where my emotions are concerned.  I worry less about things that are (to quote an accounting concept) non-material.  I fight less and bend more.  I still love deeply, but now I focus it to those who matter most and I understand that there are limits on what you can give of yourself emotionally.

I know I’ve said it before, but it’s a good time to say it again:  I am happy with aging.  Yes, the body isn’t  living up to what the brain would like to be able to do, but I can live with that.  It appears, at least for me, that the trade-off for peace is my physical condition.  And no, I don’t see this as permanent.  I can get myself together and regain some of it, but I still think it’s a good deal.  I like where I am in life right now.

Aidan is roaming around, intermittently snacking on crackers and drinking his juice.  He’s a bit testy this morning and very impatient.  Bren has his computer going and he’s watching Youtube videos about Legos….  I’d like to get them in for haircuts today and I suppose this means I need to stop writing (yes, I took a moment off from the study thing to do this…  no regrets).  Todd has the dishwasher going and I’m fairly certain that the super-sized laundry machines have stopped their loads.  Time to do the laundry shift, close this down and get showered so we can take care of a few family chores this morning.

One little extra thought – something happened at work yesterday that took a huge chunk of the school load off my shoulders.  I’m going to get Vista Ultimate installed on my laptop, then I’ll load up our software system from my company.  I am THRILLED!  I can do my final project on the software, simultaneously increasing my learning in it AND getting my project done.  Plus, I’ll be able to do at-home practice in the system…. helping me with my job.  I also get to experience doing a self-installation, so I’ll understand it from the customer’s viewpoint.  Good stuff.  Sounds weird, doesn’t it?  Then again, if you’d told me a year ago that I’d end up working in tech support for accounting software, I would have thought you were insane.  Life has a tendency to throw some seriously weird stuff at you.

The thing is… It is good.  Get new information?  Make a new decision.

Ok.  I want to spend time with my guys before I dig into my homework.  Cheers to all on this hot Saturday.  May your day be a good one….

moonfire

Lost in space….

I need to work on a mastery module, but I just want to go to bed.  I’m trying to persuade myself to buck up and get it done…. but my body keeps trying to persuade me that being horizontal would be better.  Hard to argue with your body.  It has tricky ways of persuading you that it’s right.

Had a nice dinner with my family tonight.  Todd and I were both a bit on the fried side, so it was relatively quiet.  I guess when you have a busy day, things tend to be mellow at night.

I’d write more, but it’d just be more of the same.  Learning is hard.  Burning the candle at both ends like this is even harder.  Only three more weeks and then I can call it done.  I waiver between it feeling like forever and feeling like it’s not enough time to get all the final projects done.  Somehow, in the midst of all this, I have to learn an accounting software system.  No.  I’m not kidding.  And no, it’s not for work.  It’s for a project.  A final project.

Well.  I can procrastinate or I can pull myself together and get this done.

sigh.

Being a grownup sucks sometimes.

moonfire.

Brief, because that’s all I have….

We could call the last weekend the “Lost” weekend.  Todd, Bren and I had a Lost marathon….  I’ve never watched it before and Todd got the first season on disc.  Hence the Lost weekend.  Fitting and appropriate description if you ask me.  Great show.  Fun, sad, silly, dramatic…. the list goes on.  I understand the addiction to it now.

Still, even with that marathon, I got my midterm, quiz, two mastery modules (worksets), and all my thread postings done.  We also took the Herd (our two kids plus the three Mie Mie children) to see the sequel to Night at the Museum and we got grocery shopping done.  It was exhausting.

So taking off Sunday and Monday?  Ok, I guess.  I felt bad about not doing something more exciting with the kids, but honestly?  I was wiped out from the work week.  And I was wiped out from my midterm, et al.

***

Aidan and I are home alone while Bren and Todd are at scouts….  I drew a circle, a square, and a triangle… then I told Aidan what they are and then asked him to point them out.  He got them all.  I’m sure my MIL has been working with him, but he is doing really well.  He knows most colors, although he calls orange yellow….  He didn’t really start talking until February…  I guess that’s why I’m amazed at how far he’s come in the last couple of months.  There are still times when we have no idea what he’s going on about, but boy, does he go on.  He babbles on, completely confident in what he’s saying – and we stand there, lost.

Everyone in our family talks about how much easier he is than Bren was, about how different they are.  I can’t help but see how much they are alike – how they have these funny patterns that are distinct to them.  Bren was speech-delayed.  Well, Bren was expressive speech-delayed, but advanced on receptive.  Aidan is the same, just not on the same time table that Bren was.  Aidan started babbling really early but he didn’t get around to actually talking until just two months before he turned two.  Bren was a fight even after he turned two… Now he can talk non-stop.

They ARE really different, but they also have some fun things that are similar and I’m enjoying watching those patterns emerge.

Anyway…  I don’t know that I was going anywhere with this.  Mostly, I was just coloring with Aidan and thought of a bit to write.  Everything else is pushing writing down really low on the priority list.  I kind of regret that, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now.  Later, when I’m not doing the two classes, maybe I’ll be able to get back to a bit of writing.  Maybe I’ll even do something a bit “meatier” than my usual ramblings.

Until that time comes, this is me… writing a bit to relieve the overflow that is building up in my mind.  Oh.  And in case anyone is wondering – no, the honeymoon period isn’t over at the new job.  I got to work on a cool project today, even though I had to limp through it and only marginally knew what I was doing.  Our job is to figure out what is causing the customer’s problem with the software….  I dig it in a major way.  I get to do “logic” problems for a living.  How cool is that??

Cheers,
moonfire

Exactly!

“You have the power to enjoy yourself exactly where you are now” – This was the last line in my horoscope this morning.  And I say, exactly!

One of my mentors at work says that the key to what we do is “taking control of the situation”….  All my friends and family would smile, nod and say, “Oh yeah…. that’s perfect for Shannon.”  I like control.  I like to manage what is happening and have a plan.

Boy.

I sound boring.  Ok.  I’ll give you that one.  I am boring.  Good excitement for me is when the kids are romping with Todd.  That’s the good stuff.

Where was I headed with this?  Oh…  Well, I took the evening off from studying…  Took a break and tried to relax.  So I did our financial budget.  I haven’t had a chance to take a bead on where we are in things and our new paydays and incomes meant that I REALLY needed to get a grasp on things.  Plus, I needed to know what had been paid and what was quickly coming due.

I took control of the situation.  I made a plan.  Damn it felt good.  I updated my budget spreadsheet and I got myself together.

Then I got that email horoscope and had to chuckle.  Finding a new comfort zone is important right now.  The ground is shaky and uncertain.  I’m in that awful, initial learning phase where the horror of realization is bonking wildly through my head, the one where I understand just enough to grasp how much I don’t know and I can’t imagine how I’ll ever get to a point where I’ll actually KNOW what I need in order to do the job in front of me.  (convoluted?  Maybe, but highly accurate)

Someone told me I have big shoes to fill.  I told him there was no way I could fill those shoes.  I had to bring my own new ones.

I stand by that.  M is leaving for a year’s hiatus and that’s the only reason I got the job.  M is a fantastic mentor and has an amazing amount of knowledge.  There’s no way I can “fill” his shoes.  Instead, I’ll bring my own thing to the table and hope it helps out our group.  And M better expect a crap-load of emails!  I really wish he wasn’t leaving.  bah.

Ok.  It’s getting late and I have to get moving.  Time for shower, dressed, and the commute to work.  I am happy, right where I am…

Cheers,
moonfire

Everything has a cost….

Day 4 went well.  I was out for a bit this afternoon, at Aidan’s annual doctor’s appointment.  I hate those visits because of the shots and Aidan wasn’t all that thrilled either.  He wailed when we attempted to weigh him.  I wanted to tell him that’s the easy part!

I love our children’s pediatrician though.  She’s wonderful AND she has two kids the same ages as our boys.  It’s nice to have someone going the same issues that we are.

But this is where my posting title comes into play.  The cost of having a great job where I can learn a lot is taken out in many ways…  There is the cost of the time I could be with my children.  There is the cost of being in a fantastic job with a super company and yet the insurance is fairly awful.  There is the cost of going to school to improve my future and my ability to support my family, versus the time it takes from being with my kids…

Everything has a cost.  Use resources for one thing and they aren’t available for another.  My hope and wish is that someday Todd and I can switch spots for a bit and I can spend more time with the kids.  He can take over the majority of the income support for a bit and I could take a small furlough…

There’s that song, “Cat’s in the Cradle,” by Harry Chapin.  I’ve always thought it was sad…  I just never thought that I’d relate to it.

At the same time, this is what you do to look after your family.  I’m torn between being thrilled about my new company, excited about what I’m learning, and realization about the cost to my kids.  Ok.  Maybe that’s not accurate.  Bren’s in school and Aidan’s building a great relationship with his grandparents.  Maybe I’m just feeling sad that I don’t get to be with them because of ME.

I don’t want this to sound like a downer.  I’m happy and when I’m with my kids, I am ultra-present with them… even if sometimes I’m tired.  It’s not about complaining, it’s about acknowledging that this has a cost associated with it.  Some might think that’s semantics, but I think it’s important.  Wandering through life mindlessly seems kind of pointless to me.  You might as well be a robot.

Stopping to take the time to consider who you are and what you are made of, or what your life is made of, now that’s being aware.

Anyway, I’m going to close this down, cuddle my boys (as much as they’ll let me, and eat dinner with my family.  Todd and I were unanimous on eating pizza tonight, so he’s picking up some take and bake from Papa Murphy’s….  yum!   I have some homework to address, but I’m thinking I need a bit of downtime.  My counselor is encouraging me to back off on the perfectionism and tonight is a good time to start.  We’ll see if I can manage it!

I’d like to end on a final thought….  Children are amazingly resilient.  I honestly don’t remember being bummed that my mum had to work when we were kids.  When she WAS with us, with was fully with us… and she still managed to have lie-ins and read books sometimes.  She worked full-time and sometimes more.  I don’t remember her absences.  I remember her being present, when it really mattered.

I need to remind myself of that and realize that it’s my hyper-awareness of the time away from them.  I hope someday that they remember my times present and what that meant to them.  I hope I am a part of great memories too.

Cheers from the eternally torn moonfire.