Everything has a cost….

Day 4 went well.  I was out for a bit this afternoon, at Aidan’s annual doctor’s appointment.  I hate those visits because of the shots and Aidan wasn’t all that thrilled either.  He wailed when we attempted to weigh him.  I wanted to tell him that’s the easy part!

I love our children’s pediatrician though.  She’s wonderful AND she has two kids the same ages as our boys.  It’s nice to have someone going the same issues that we are.

But this is where my posting title comes into play.  The cost of having a great job where I can learn a lot is taken out in many ways…  There is the cost of the time I could be with my children.  There is the cost of being in a fantastic job with a super company and yet the insurance is fairly awful.  There is the cost of going to school to improve my future and my ability to support my family, versus the time it takes from being with my kids…

Everything has a cost.  Use resources for one thing and they aren’t available for another.  My hope and wish is that someday Todd and I can switch spots for a bit and I can spend more time with the kids.  He can take over the majority of the income support for a bit and I could take a small furlough…

There’s that song, “Cat’s in the Cradle,” by Harry Chapin.  I’ve always thought it was sad…  I just never thought that I’d relate to it.

At the same time, this is what you do to look after your family.  I’m torn between being thrilled about my new company, excited about what I’m learning, and realization about the cost to my kids.  Ok.  Maybe that’s not accurate.  Bren’s in school and Aidan’s building a great relationship with his grandparents.  Maybe I’m just feeling sad that I don’t get to be with them because of ME.

I don’t want this to sound like a downer.  I’m happy and when I’m with my kids, I am ultra-present with them… even if sometimes I’m tired.  It’s not about complaining, it’s about acknowledging that this has a cost associated with it.  Some might think that’s semantics, but I think it’s important.  Wandering through life mindlessly seems kind of pointless to me.  You might as well be a robot.

Stopping to take the time to consider who you are and what you are made of, or what your life is made of, now that’s being aware.

Anyway, I’m going to close this down, cuddle my boys (as much as they’ll let me, and eat dinner with my family.  Todd and I were unanimous on eating pizza tonight, so he’s picking up some take and bake from Papa Murphy’s….  yum!   I have some homework to address, but I’m thinking I need a bit of downtime.  My counselor is encouraging me to back off on the perfectionism and tonight is a good time to start.  We’ll see if I can manage it!

I’d like to end on a final thought….  Children are amazingly resilient.  I honestly don’t remember being bummed that my mum had to work when we were kids.  When she WAS with us, with was fully with us… and she still managed to have lie-ins and read books sometimes.  She worked full-time and sometimes more.  I don’t remember her absences.  I remember her being present, when it really mattered.

I need to remind myself of that and realize that it’s my hyper-awareness of the time away from them.  I hope someday that they remember my times present and what that meant to them.  I hope I am a part of great memories too.

Cheers from the eternally torn moonfire.

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2 thoughts on “Everything has a cost….

  1. I’m so glad you remember that when we spent time together, that I really devoted that time to being with you and your sister. That was the trick to being a working mom (and student too) and still is…

    You and Todd are such good parents to those two active sons. It’s tough being a working parent. It’s even tougher to throw in college classes. Yeah, you’ll miss some stuff. But look where you’re both headed – new careers, jobs you actually like, sons who will understand working parents like you understand me, sons who will see working to get higher education as the norm.

    Mum

  2. Just wanted to say that kids are resilient! And I remember that while my mom didn’t go to work until I was six (when she started her own business) – she resented being home, or at least felt unfulfilled, and that had just as big an impact. (Because I still hear about it 35 years later…). I think the trick is to do what you need to do, so that you can be focused and happy when you are with the kids. It’s a constant balancing act, isn’t it?

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