I had a bunch of things I wanted to write about, then I lost track of them and now they might be gone for good. So in the meantime, I think I’ll bring us up to date on my taking back control of my world through cleaning.
It sounds weird. I find I’m saying that a lot lately. “This might sound weird, but…”
The kids and I had a cleaning fit that got started Friday night. Partly it was due to some stress that hit my oldest and it was a potential big bad thing in her world. So my response is to keep her busy (and myself), so we’re cleaning and organizing. I should note that our apartment has been a pit for most of the last year. Emotional angst and depression took over, leading it to get overwhelming. The difficulty is that once it gets past a certain point, it’s so bad that it can seem hopeless.
So along comes this huge stressor and it triggers a cleaning fit for both oldest and me, which means youngest got dragged in, too.
It was happening Friday, then carried into Saturday. We rested a bit on Sunday and I thought it might evaporate, but I sent out an email to the three of us with our chores schedule for each week and notes about bigger projects and the kids ran with it! Because they ran with it, I did too, even though I was tired last night. I was going to take it kind of slow, but instead ended up cleaning and organizing.
By no means is our space done and maybe it won’t ever be and maybe that’s not even the goal. Perhaps we just need to keep ourselves moving forward and being caring about each other through these small tasks we do each day and week. I’m not sure. I do see a more positive energy coming out of what we’re doing and it feels more hopeful than it has in a while. Oldest still isn’t out of the woods yet, but I’ll continue to keep her busy enough that we’ll get through it.
Spicy Ginger keeps his space immaculate, so I’m highly motivated to get ours cleaned up, too. I can’t have him over if I’m mortified about how grubby and disorganized it is. He teases me about my lack of housekeeping motivation, but at the same time his gentle razzing is supportive in the right way for me. Where I had thought I might never feel like it’s clean enough to have company, now I’m seeing that I might actually make it. It’s all about these small, incremental steps forward. I don’t have to tackle everything in one day. I don’t have to do it alone. The kids just needed things to be clearly defined so they wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, either.
Funny how that works.
As for me and SG? Ahhh, so good. He opens my mind to things and I think I do the same for him. I’ve come to realize that I love it when he is happy and feels good. It radiates to me and it’s really lovely. Maybe it’s all a part of this funky energy exchange we seem to have going. Again, I’m not sure and I’m not clear on if I even need to understand it. I used to think of love in very old school terms and it had certain patterns. When I think about him, I have the sense of wide lazy rivers of emotions that you can just drift on. We have that same fiery passion I’ve mentioned before, where his skin touches mine and we both seem to combust. But there’s also the peaceful, mellow side to us. It’s not urgent and it is soothing in a way I really can’t fully explain.
I’ve waited a long time to be happy. And let me be clear that this isn’t about my relationship or my job or my kids or my living space. It’s about my life as a whole. I’ve always lived in a state of nervous exhaustion, moving from one crisis to another. Even now, when the big bad with my oldest has the potential to be awful, I can slow down and evaluate it and know that we’ll just do whatever we have to as it either does or does not come to be.
Right now – here, in this time – I am happy. That is definitely something to pause and acknowledge for the gift that it is.
Moonfire
Ramblings of a Wild for Words Woman 