Balance and Love – For Polemos

Oh my love, I so understand your feelings!  And Porthos (Life Partner) did a great job answering it.  Funny that the quote he shared is the one I most love, too.

We love you and you are not taking too much from anyone.  I’ve had so many years where I could be selfish and maybe sometimes I didn’t really appreciate what I had, but I assure you I do appreciate the joy and love I have in my life now.  You, Porthos, and Elf are so dear to me, I cannot imagine life without any of you.  Each of you brings a different kind of love and joy and peace into my world.

Really the only thing I want, and must be patient for receiving, is when we can all be together in a space that is large enough for all of us to give us each our introverted peace.  I am sad when we’re not together, but I don’t wallow in it.  There is a lot of coordinating we’re all doing right now and it’s hard.  It’s also worth every bit of effort.  I don’t say that lightly.  I never really expected the gifts of having you and Elf in our world.  I was stuck in a place of worry over our oldest.

I do understand that worry about honesty, too.  Some small damages from long ago linger in me and I wonder once in a while if we have the strength and character to be as open and honest as we all need to be.  Then I talk to you or Elf or Porthos and it’s all good.  I also face down my own fears about becoming older and feeling like I’m becoming more and more invisible as I age.  I still have those moments where I wonder what on earth you and Elf could see in short, dumpy me.

I’m learning to shake it off because isn’t that just a bit insulting to both of you?  Everything I know about both of you tells me that you are kind, gentle, forthright, and incredibly caring.  You aren’t shallow people.  You are amazing people.

Other times I feel a teensy bit guilty… like I’m just so freaking greedy.  I want it all with all of us.  I shake that off, too.  This will be hard work, caring for all of us as we need and deserve.  And yes, it has been a very short period of time in which to come to these understandings and feelings.  I guess I’m decisive that way.

All I can do is reassure you that you have us and we are committed to being with you and Elf.  The rest will take time, effort, and lots and lots of talking.  You and I excel at talking, so I expect we’ll do fine!

With much love,
Moonfire

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Did I Leave You Hanging?

My dear, dear Elf is beating cancer.  Happy tears leaked out of my eyes when I got the news. All the worry hiding under my skin started to evaporate, although honestly, that won’t finish until the day they say she is cancer-free.

I had pain yesterday.  I’m not going to sugar-coat it.  It was awful.  I believe it was due to a certain health issue for a certain Teen and the long walk home with her listing to one side.  Dear One (oh hell, Polemos will now be named) came over and massaged my painful neck and lower back with the special salve Elf gave me.  I recovered enough to head to Polemos’ place and we talked and talked, as we do each time we are together, until it was dreadfully late.

But it was SO good.  I love Polemos and Elf so much.  I have so many feelings I want to express and I just don’t trust myself to find the words that do it justice. I can express about Life Partner because I’ve had over 21 years to develop the language surrounding what my body, mind, and spirit tell me about him.  I don’t have that time and experience -yet – to explain my feelings about Polemos and Elf.

My greatest hope is that I’ll get that time.

Teen is in her room with her lovie.  Youngest is on the couch with his cat ear headphones (adorable, let me assure you) and his soft blanket with the laser space cat on it.

Bella, the giant kitten, is next to me and Celia, the older fluff, is stalking around the house, likely seeking out birds to inspect.

Life Partner is working on music, his passion, while I sit here contemplating the nap that is necessary to get me through the remainder of the day.  I had a great disappointment yesterday, with regards to my job search, but I am working on maintaining my positive spirit. I really have too many blessings to allow myself to wallow in a funk.  Yes, I did indulge in a small pity party yesterday, but I do trust the judgment made on that hire.  I know the manager is a wonderful person and I know that I truly want to work for her, so I will reign in my disappointment and dig up some patience.

Wishing you a lovely Saturday,
Moonfire

Friday Is Here

I have a lot to do today.  It’s not a bunch of urgent things, but they are necessary.  I know that getting them done will make my spirits rise and it will preoccupy my worry wart brain.  Elf is in for a CT scan to get a clearer idea of what is happening with her cancer.  I am worried about her and I feel helpless.  I can’t make it go away.  I can’t do much to help her through this except be here for her.

I want to be positive and reinforcing for her, but it’s being undercut by my memories of our family’s loss several years ago.  I keep trying to breathe away my fears and they keep crawling back into my brain.

So I’ll get myself up off this couch, take my shower, get dressed, get ready for the day.  I will bust my butt cleaning and siphon off the energy of worrying into the energy of productivity.  I will keep my phone close to hand, so I hear it if it rings.  I will rouse our Teen off the love seat and get her to help me make our apartment cleaner.

I’ll let go of the tension sitting in my teeth.  I’ll focus on what I can do to make this space better, so when Elf needs a place to come to, she’ll be able to relax with me.

I’ll send loving messages to Life Partner and Dear One.  I will focus on moving forward, the great interviews from last week, and the positives that must come this year.

I’ve asked our Teen to be in charge of music today and I think I’ll make a second ask – please make it positive music.

…and just like that, my words disappeared.  I don’t think there is much else I can say right now.  It’s time to move.  And maybe I’ll keep ahead of the worry.

Moonfire

Anticipation on a Thursday

8 a.m. interview.  Done at 8:55 a.m., but it started early.  It was good.  Ok, it was challenging, but good.  I did my best and I suppose that’s the important part.  I’m holding my hopes in check, as I know there are other candidates that I may not be able to beat.

Next interview, for a different position, is at 1 p.m. today.  Two in one day.  That’s a challenge!  It’s for an interesting position, so I’m going to do my best, but the 8 a.m. interview was for my first choice position.

I was on my own last night, trying to sleep and trying to get my busy brain to hush up.  I did get more than 7 hours sleep, which is good.  I didn’t get my 8, so I was fatigued this morning and not functioning at my best.  I’d like to ask busy brain to please shut up, however, I’m noticing that busy brain just wants to take a nap right now.  I can feel the fatigue wandering through my arms, into my fingers.  There is a soft pillow next to me and I swear I can hear a siren song calling me from it.

So I’m drinking decaf coffee with cream, cinnamon, and some unsweetened Dutch cocoa.  Why decaf?  Ahh, surgery killed off my ability to tolerate caffeine without heinous side-effects.  Dammit.

I’ll be getting cuddles with Elf later today and I’m hopeful that she will be ok.  I’m fretting over her health.  This is what I, in my Moonfire essence, will do when someone I care about is suffering.

I need Dear One cuddles, too.  And Life Partner cuddles.  Perhaps we just need a cuddle pile?

Oldest is listening to something weird on Youtube.  I am tired (still) and need to stay focused so I can survive the 1 p.m. interview.  Then I may crumble like feta.

Cheers,
Moonfire

Monday Productivity

I was on fire today.  Moonfire on fire.  Redundant?

Hair is interview-ready.  Paperwork is printed off for Teen to get her GED done.  ACT schedule was perused and I scouted the admissions policy at our university for kids with GEDs.  If I get employed at the university again, her fees will drop and we’ll only have to pay 35% of regular fees.  We can definitely afford that, presuming I’m employed of course.

With one car on the fritz, we were scheduling fiends and managed to get everyone where they needed to go or picked up on time.

Likewise, the social calendar is complex and that’s in negotiations now.  My Mum returns from her winter trip in a day or two and I’m counting down.  She is also on the social calendar so I can spend time with her.

Tomorrow looks to be similarly busy, but I’m ready.  I’m heading to bed early to recover from poor sleep last night.  I will be getting exercise tomorrow (scheduled in).  I need to get the GED form completed and signed off on by the former high school our Teen attended.  I have housework to do, an interview to prep for, and an interview outfit to pick out.

I may be unemployed but I sure as hell feel busy!

I WILL be making up for this on the weekend.  That I promise!

Time for rest…
Moonfire

Ahhh, Sunday!

I had to get into MAJOR MOM mode with the Teen and helped her get crap out of her space.  I love her dearly, but what the fuck is up with her room???  I need my mom to come over and do this to me.  Why? Because my room is a fucking mess, too.  Hypocrisy – thy name is Mom.

But seriously.  I need to get in the master room and get shit done.  Poor Elf has to see our room in full blown mess mode.  This is not ok.  Sadly, I used my energy for Teen’s room and now I’m sitting here with squawking wound sites.

Youngest has his feet on me and is cuddling in his cat-like way.  This is counterproductive and falls under the “I have a cat on my lap” spectrum of reasons to stay on the couch (or in bed).

It’s quiet right now and I could be working on laundry or dishes or swamping out the master bedroom.  Instead, I’m curled up next to Youngest and given the rarity that he will cuddle these days, I feel it’s justified.  Dear Elf will have to hold on a bit longer about the room.

Dear One and Life Partner are doing well and are accepting of Elf into our polycule.  Teen has a nickname for us, but is unwilling to share it.  I’ll get it out of her sweetheart and post it here because when he originally told me yesterday, it made me laugh.

Friday was a crazy positive day, with two calls regarding jobs – one asking me to apply and one giving me a screening interview.  Then came the email telling me I had an interview time for the position I most want.  I seriously need to return to work.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  We need the money and I need the brain food.  I love my two children beyond my own life, but I am not being as productive as I could be.  And dammit… I’m tired of being broke.  I’d like to be tired AND broke.  HA!

And on one final sad note – I may not longer be able to drink caffeinated coffee.  I am very sad about this.  It causes issues that do NOT need to be shared here.  Suffice to say that I’m on a very short tether where leaving the bathroom vicinity is concerned.  My walk with Elf this afternoon may run into issues.  I certainly hope not, but it’s possible.

This is Sunday in our apartment.  It’s quiet. It’s sporadically interrupted by spurts of productivity and then it eases back into contemplation and cruising through emails and social media posts. I’m not even motivated to put on something interesting on tv or to pull out the book I’ve been wading through for 2 weeks.  By the way, it’s unheard of for me to take that long to read fiction.  This particular book is best nibbled, rather than devoured.  I may need to take a break and hunt down the book EvMox suggested.  I want to, of course, but stubborn me… I won’t move on to a new book until this current one is completed.  Augh.

Cheers on this silver gray Sunday,
Moonfire

Love Is Bigger Than Fear

I hope I can live up to my title because this one is an important post.

Life has been intense for the last few years.  Life Partner will attest that we’ve had big ups and downs.  Our lovely teen came out to us at age 14 as transgender and she started her beautiful and difficult journey.  I was dealing with chronic pain that I wasn’t even truly aware I was suffering through.  Youngest was having odd neurological issues and while those went away, the under-weight issues did not.  Life Partner works for a wonderful organization with great people but little opportunity for advancement or pay increases.  They did take care of him at one point, but averaged over the years, it isn’t keeping up with his potential.

Then 2018 hit us.  I was in a job search due to a problematic job that was evaporating and sadly not fulfilling.  I was seeking a path to a more service-oriented position, which I got in May, just as our Teen began falling apart.  She was suicidal.  She was in pain.  I should have followed my instincts then, but we were holding on to plans already in motion.

Youngest was doing ok, but not really thriving.  Life Partner had needs beyond my ability to meet.

September 2018 I had to leave work to look after our Teen full time.  Her health was erratic and she was passing out at school each day.  I was facing a choice… lose my job or quit on good terms.  I chose to quit.  Then I found out our Teen was self-harming and really suicidal.  We made it until November when we finally had to get her into an inpatient program.

During this time, Life Partner met Dear One and started inching us towards more love in our world.

We brought our Teen back from the inpatient program and my body promptly fell apart.  Two ER trips and I was in for emergency surgery.  Goodbye gallbladder. Hello end to chronic pain (at least most of it).

Healing moves slowly.  Teen was (and is) being compliant with her new meds and has a new love in her life plus her tribe has solidified.  Youngest is doing a bit better – although that will continue to be a work in progress.  Life Partner and Dear One and I were finding love, each in our own ways, and it was increasing happiness. Time was and is mixed because that time between surgery and now is still ongoing, existing as then and now simultaneously.

Then I took a chance and installed an app.  It was for queer women to meet and I really was needing to see what it was like.  My first contact didn’t go well and I got off of the app for a few days.  It felt like too much.

But then I got on it in preparation to delete it.  I was showing Dear One and Life Partner what it was like and that’s when I noticed Elf.

I took a chance.  We took a chance.  We had that first date… the late dinner… movie date… family group date.  Then New Year’s Eve and it was clear to me.  We are connected.  Hours of talking.  Cuddling.  Kisses.  And she is now my Dear Elf.

I spent a lot of time in fear over the last 10 years.  Maybe that “subconscious” pain was cutting into my energy bandwidth so much that I didn’t have my normal resources and I lived in a near constant state of deep worry.  I couldn’t find my footing – not in work, not in home.  I had times that were wonderful.  There were also times where my world felt held together with weak threads.  I couldn’t settle and be calm.  I fought my body.  I fought my needs.

Since leaving work for this sabbatical, we have been through some of the most heartbreaking pain possible.  Fear of losing our Teen.  Fear of the pain that was out of control.  And in working on healing, we have found love.  It is an amazing feeling, this love.  It is healing.  It is home.  It is warmth and caring and nurturing, but not self-sacrifice.  It brings together all those pieces that we all needed.

Once in a while, I might get weak and scared because life has taught me, over and over again since I was a toddler, that the world can be an awful mean place.  I have been failed at times and I have failed others at times.  I know and understand the imperfections of being me and I can own that.  I also know and understand how healing love is when it is allowed to flourish.

So while I acknowledge the traumas and pains of the past, I will not let them drive me.  I will move forward and give and receive this beautiful love that is all around me.  Perhaps that is just one piece.  I know there are other lessons to be learned, too.  But for now this is good.  The fear is gone or retreated to those dark places I have hiding in me, which is good enough for now.

Love isn’t just bigger than fear.  It is greater in the sum of all of its parts and living in love is so much better.

Cheers,
Moonfire