My birthday was yesterday and it was so hard to get wishes for a happy birthday in the face of the losses we’ve had this week. How do you have an amazing day when your heart is in pieces? Still, I was spoiled like crazy by my family and my Spicy Ginger. I had love all around me, which is really the best thing you can have in life.
It’s easy to want to pull back and harden your heart from feeling too much when you’re going through this kind of unbearable loss. I can’t stop thinking about how much we loved them and how no amount of pictures or memories can ease the way this particular set of losses hit us. From the first one, Cat, to Gertie and Sansa on Tuesday morning… each one alone was agonizing, but all together it was too much.
So I started writing down the stories and I have more to share about them, but for today I have to say this: It has been worth loving them so much that it was the worst pain losing them.
I would rather be the person who cries for the loss of our animal family members than the person who never loves enough to cry.
I’m going to bust my butt to keep working hard to protect those we have left and to increase our biosecurity where possible.
And I’m doing all I can to be gentle and kind with my beloved Spicy Ginger while he is going through all of his pain, too. We both know that hope can be deceptive, especially now that we know more about what we’re dealing with. I know he has to pull back from our Miss Roxy right now and I absolutely understand why. If she gets it, he will have to euthanize her as I just can’t do it. In this instance, I need him to have that distance to protect his heart for now.
If Roxy survives, it may be a long time before he can trust in her safety enough to bond with her. As for me? She has no flock currently. The ducks are ok, but they just aren’t the same and so I’m doing my best to be her mini-flock. I spoil her and talk to her and spend time with her and watch her closely for any signs that she has been infected. I’m fairly certain she hasn’t been infected, as I think she would not survive it. Maybe it was the fact that we didn’t leave her ailing sisters with her on Tuesday. I don’t know for certain, but I think in our flock the mortality rate of the avian flu is 100% and she was just fortunate that she didn’t get infected. I don’t think it’s that she’s immune. My instincts say that’s not the case.
It’s all speculation at this point and the actions I’ve taken since we lost Sansa and Gertie are important.
I have things I need to do… paperwork for the autism assessment and cleaning and medical appointments, etc., but right now I’m tired. I’m the human equivalent of worn out brakes that are reduced to metal on metal.
It’s time for bed. Some sleep might help, but so will time.