Spicy Ginger to the Rescue

I was feeling pretty awful yesterday. After work I swapped out the water for our flock, which (by the way) is rough when it’s cold out. My hands were like ice, even with gloves on. My hose is leaking, so I got wet, but I got it all done. Then I stood out there, bundled up in hat, sweater, coat, gloves, winter boots, etc., and I watched the birds. Man I love them. They are so funny and have so much personality.

After I got them all put up in their houses, I hauled my very tired ass off to the grocery store. I picked up foods that we can actually eat in our household – note: this is a challenge since oldest is lactose intolerant, big time – and then I got home and made the kids put the groceries away. Spicy Ginger had called me while I was at the store and told me to come over, so I left the kids to their own devices, kept my boots on, and walked across the driveway to his house. His smile was what I needed most. I got leftover pizza and a ginger ale plus lots of Spicy Ginger time. And that’s what it took. My heart just needed that comfort.

Admittedly, the sex helped, too!

I did take a look at things that are posted for other state jobs, as well as in our area. The sad fact is that my hourly salary is too high to find something else comparable. Wages here suck. Cost of living sucks. And options? They really don’t exist. Over the course of the next year or two, maybe 2-3 jobs might open up for which I would be qualified and which might pay in the range I need.

So I am trying to just face the fact that I am nicely pinned in my current place. I do still count the positives, even if my post yesterday doesn’t reflect that. But I know that sooner or later my patience with the dynamic with my boss will wear thin. Actually, I would correct that statement – it has already worn thin. But as with other things that I have had to bear, I will smile and nod and just do the work. I will ignore that frustration. I don’t really think I have any other choices. I’ve learned already that speaking up does me no good.

I will be grateful for Spicy Ginger and his delicious self. I will be grateful for my kids both being safe. I will be grateful for oldest getting another promotion, which puts her one step closer to earning a better living so she can support herself. I will be very grateful for my mum and for youngest. They are relatively healthy and the project at mum’s place is continuing to improve.

The rest? Well, I suppose I’ll take it day by day. If I can spare a little money, I think I may hunt for a small wooden piece of furniture to refinish. That has become my new favorite thing to do, so I might was well feed my need for creativity.

And on that note, back to work I go.

Moonfire

When Self-Care Can’t Happen

I really needed to be off work today. I’m heartily burned out on my job and the work that I’m trying to do to help my mum. I took 4 hours off today, but it really wasn’t enough. So instead I’m sitting here and I can feel the bug eating at my spirit. I would dearly love to bag it and just move on with an evening where I focus on the home world and give myself some breathing space, but I can’t.

I have stuff that has to be done. And while I did get some relief in those brief few hours off this morning, it has not offset my needs and in fact, I feel like they are only compounding. What do we do when we can’t practice self-care? How do we keep going when we’re so freaking burned out that even breathing feels like an effort? I’m medicated to the gills so I can keep working. At what point does the medication not even help and I realize that I’m dog paddling in stormy seas?

There is a particular situation at work that my boss is absolutely unable to see from my perspective. She truly doesn’t understand it at all and consequently she is a one-track record in response to it. When it keeps cropping up, partly because it has not yet been resolved and while it’s my issue that it was left until now, the delay on dealing with it is because she has been directing that I can’t respond to it on my own. We may end up with our asses hanging out because of it, which sucks. I’m already in a pickle with the whole situation but my truly favorite part is that she resolutely will not understand where I was coming from on the situation.

Anyway, I’m sitting here at my desk in my living room, legs numb from being stuck here all afternoon, and I decided to take a break from things because my fatigue and my grumpiness are building. Other than this few minutes to alleviate the mental pressure these feelings are building up in me, I will not get a break until I get through the remainder of the work I want to finish up tonight. I have to get these damned reports done. Ugh.

I was so happy when I took this job. I really was. I thought that perhaps getting medicated would help me through this rough period and would help me get back on track. But what if it’s not going to happen? I’m on a 6-month performance improvement plan. SIX MONTHS of this. I just don’t know if I can keep sitting here in this mental grind for the next 6 months, while every single aspect of my world at work is second-guessed and picked at with a fine tooth comb. So yes, I’m really burned out and don’t see an end to the way this is going down… not for months and months, if then.

I really think I need to consider what this means to my mental health. Is this really how I want each day to be? I work for a small state agency with a big mission and there is nowhere for me to go in the agency. This is literally it. Given the performance issues I ended up having prior to my getting on the medication, I would say that my chances of switching to any other fiscal position are nil, not the least of which because I don’t have an accounting degree.

I’ll do what I can to step back from what I’m experiencing. I’ll try to get more objective and I have my counseling appointment tomorrow, so perhaps it will help me to pull my spirits together. I just know that I’m gritting my teeth and while I am a mostly cheerful and industrious person, the fatigue of how this is tearing me down mentally is taking a toll. It doesn’t help when I looked up “living wage” for our area, for a family of 3 and lo, I am below that by more than $6/hour. There will be no raises for me in my position for 2-3 years. Rent will go up. Cost of living will go up. Now these alone are not reasons to make any decisions, but they are context when you take the whole situation into account.

I have worked my ass off these last two months to rectify the situation that the brain fog and cognitive decline caused. I only just signed the PIP this last Friday. It took them 6 weeks to get it done and ready for me to sign. Now I’m looking at another 6 months.

When all is said and done, it will have been 8 months of this and frankly, I question if the day to day situation of the way my boss manages my position will change. I don’t think so.

This isn’t a knee-jerk reaction.

I watched her face in our Zoom meeting today and I could see it. I could see the months stretching out in front of us and I can tell what it will be like.

I used to pretend things were ok with X. I wasn’t happy, but even trying to ask for what I needed didn’t get me any response or I’d get brushed off.

I’m pretending at work in the same way, now. I smile and let it all come at me in much the same way. And in the meantime, my teeth are crumbling because I’m clenching them and grinding them.

I guess that’s where I’ll leave this for today. I need to get back to pulling these reports so I can turn around and build other reports to send out and draft letters that are pointless because forbid that we actually consider the logical step and just use the email as the cover letter. Oy.

Here’s to frustration and angst and fatigue and all those bits and pieces that make us feel even more like we’re small rats in a maze with no hope of it being better.

Moonfire

Day ? Vyvanse 40 mg, Guanfacine 1 mg

I’ve lost count of the days, so it’s a mystery. Here’s my brain dump before I get back to work.

I’m not at a therapeutic level yet. I can tell and it’s a weird sensation knowing but being unable to explain why. I am more focused than I was before, but I’m also aware of the gaps, so to speak. I can sense that I slip off the edge of focus too easily. Now I’m fully aware that some of it is learned behaviors over the years and I accept that. I need to rebuild the mental muscles that help to hold me on track… practice those executive functioning skills so they become rote habit, but the level of effort it takes right now is still exhausting.

I get to the end of each work day and I’m crawling, both mentally and physically, due to the fatigue of trying to maintain my level of effort and focus.

This means each week runs in a similar way… I have energy and focus on Monday and then the fatigue takes a toll as the week progresses, until Thursday and Friday require monster effort to get through. Likewise, when the meds wear off each day, it’s like hitting a brick wall. I still have work hours to get through, though, so I hang on and press myself through.

Luckily, the guanfacine has REALLY eased my physiological response to stressors and it’s giving me a break. When I encounter something difficult (like, say… my meds wearing off and my hyper awareness of that fact), I am able to look at it without the surge running through my body. This is a huge relief.

Doesn’t help me with my functioning, which means that I’m still wiped out by the end of the day. I am sleeping like a rock for the most part, now, but I’m still exhausted the next morning and am not feeling like I get enough sleep. I pick my battles and do what I can, but our flock needs my attention and I really need to get things done at my mum’s place so our young friend can move into the spare room. That means I’m feeling pressed and overwhelmed from all these competing needs and somewhere in that mix I have to take care of my own needs too. How the hell do I do that on such limited energy??

Yeah, so that’s where I’m sitting this week. Shorter hours of daylight mean increased pressure to get everything done during the same freaking time period and it’s wearing me down. It’s the law of finite resources only it’s time (daylight) instead of money.

I really wish I had some of Spicy Ginger’s energy. I envy him his strength…. And he just drove by and waved. I waved vigorously and now I’m smiling that big cheesy grin. He kissed me last night and I’ve been thinking about it since then. Mmmm, that sweet kiss. Dang it. Now I’m off in la la land, thinking about him and wanting to just bite him.

It’s time to get back to work. So here I go. Focus, Moonfire. Don’t be a goober.

Nature Is A Bitch

Our little Cayuga lady, Monica, was killed by a dog on Sunday night. It’s not the dog’s fault. She got through the fence and over into the neighbor’s yard. They have several large, rambunctious dogs and one of them broke Monica’s neck. She wasn’t mauled or savaged. She was just in the wrong place and she was fragile in comparison to the dogs.

The worst feeling for me as a parent was my son’s face when he came in the house and told me that we’d lost her. I thought he meant she’d flown off, but no, she was dead. Her little broken body was just over the fence. I woke up Spicy Ginger from his nap so he could go retrieve her body… he knows the people that live there and the dogs, so I knew it would go better than me going over. He brought her back to us in a plastic bag and then he dug the hole so we could bury her over where another pet has been buried.

I picked up the bag while he was digging the hole and held her. She was so light and still soft. Poor little bird. I wish we could have protected her better, but our ducks have been so damned bent on getting over there. Spicy and I have started putting in chicken wire along the bottom of the fence between the two properties to help protect our ducks from their own greedy tummies. We have lots of food and water over here for them and none of that ever-present danger. A couple of the dogs have even made it over here to this side and have never hurt our flock of chickens or ducks. This was just stupid timing for our little lady.

The weather is colder now, with gray skies and fewer days where we can be outside without being bundled up against the chill. It’s not winter weather, but it’s definitely deepening into fall and the gloom doesn’t help my feeling sad about our girl. What really stinks is I have to get more lady ducks, as two of the flock molted and are VERY clearly boys. The ratio of 3 boys to 2 girls is just awful for our two remaining lady ducks. Yes, I could try to rehome a couple of the drakes, but the truth is I couldn’t do it now. We’re attached. They are family. Spicy totally understands about our connection to them. Even Chandler, the silly drake who wants to molest our hens, is firmly part of the family now. How do you get rid of family?

So I need to contact the farm that we bought Monica from and get at least 2 more girls. Do I ask for another Cayuga? Do I get more Pekins, who are so sweet and friendly and good-natured? I like keeping my flock diversified as a protection against disease, but I wonder if that is needed? The kids and I are sad about Monica and I hate to press, but we have to get the new ladies in now so we don’t have issues with our current girls. So suddenly it feels like I’m just barreling past the loss and being insensitive.

Gosh, it really sucks. Monica sounded like a fish-wife when she was honking, but she was really funny and sweet. I miss that silly little bird. I was really looking forward to her having little fluffy black ducklings with Chandler and now instead it’s sadness.

Between our loss and my super awful busy week at work, I’m hard pressed to keep up with things. Our clean laundry is stacked in baskets, needing to be put away. I need to do some dishes. I need to eat healthier. I need to clean out the duck house and the hen house. I need to get to the store to get more flock supplies and pet supplies for our kitties.

I really wish work was lighter and less hours, so I’d have more time to do other tasks. I wish I was more focused and less scattered. I wish that my heart didn’t feel so sad about Monica, but on that one I will say that I’m glad she was cared for and appreciated here. We loved her, even if sometimes she acted like the head cheerleader with her quarterback boyfriend. I guess I’ll talk to the kids and see what they would like to do. We have to add to our flock no matter what, but maybe we can do it in a way that keeps our flock strong.

What I am most grateful for is Spicy Ginger. He understands how much the loss hurt and he is such a great companion. He took me bass fishing last Saturday and I had the most amazing fun. I truly loved it and holy smokes, he’s the best teacher. I was so relaxed and happy after our day out fishing and then Sunday night came and oh, how much this loss just took us down.

That’s all I have for today. I need to eat some more lunch and get ready for my next meeting. After the meeting I’ll be heading to the dentist and that’s going to be a depressing visit, but that’s how life goes. I will be firm with him and lay out the limitations. I do not have the financial ability to do all this work on my teeth. Sacrifices have to be made and that’s how it goes.

So on that note, hug your pets close and keep safe.

Moonfire

The Blessings of Friendship

After my mental purge a couple days ago, I feel like it’s timely that I write about something positive. All too often we focus on romantic love, but I want to speak up about the joy of love in friendship. It’s a wonderful thing, having people that are family by choice. I have some incredible friends, which includes Spicy Ginger and X, along with wonderful women and men that I’ve met in my travels through life.

One of them, in particular, gets a huge call-out tonight: Mrs. MGB. She is a lovely kindred spirit of an empath, cloaked in the body of a tough lady with a sweet southern accent. We met under pretty awful circumstances… a job that was soul-sucking and painful to endure because of a boss who didn’t know what she was doing and didn’t know how to stop doing the wrong things. But this lovely lady just down the hall from me became a friend, even as she was tried to the end of her patience and finally left that place. Our team was all the worse for it, but I’m so glad she got away and got peace. I count her as the silver and gold lining that came out of my time there. Her friendship, as well as one other, are the treasures I found there and so I don’t regret my time there.

Mrs. MGB reached out to me last night and did me a kindness that I don’t think I can ever repay, but I can do my best to match the spirit of it when my time comes. She helped our little family and for a moment last night I thought I’d be able to save that stupid tooth, but I’ve realized that her gift to me and the kids is better put to use as protection from scary uncertainty. So I did my best this morning when I trundled off to the bank and I set some aside to give me that protection that has been missing. Things are still tough, but right now I can breathe easier. I know that I won’t be nervous about gassing up my car this week. I know that I can head over to the store and grab some more things because youngest is eating enough to make his scrawny self fill out more.

It’s less about preventing big worries, like the darned tooth, and more about easing the constant buzz of worry that hovers over me when I complete my budget for the next couple of months and look at what may or may not happen. This is what it’s like when you earn decent money in a world where “decent” doesn’t tend to hold up over time. If I were earning this much 10 years ago, I’d be doing really well and would likely feel like I’m in the middle class. But outrageously high rents and stagnant wages, especially now with the virus eating away at everything, mean that my wages aren’t actually all that great. Don’t get me wrong – I’m super happy that I’m employed and that I’m working in the field that I’ve got experience in, but when you break it all down into what I net? Well, it’s not enough to make me feel safe.

So when my friend offered this, I didn’t want to take it. I wanted her to use it for her – to take care of her and her family. She assured me they were good and she spoke about doing this for our family in such loving terms. It was this warm caring in the middle of what has been a very uncaring year.

Some day I WILL do the same. And I will remember how hard it was to accept this kindness, but I’ll also remember how it eased that worrying buzz that lies right beneath my everyday world. I’ll remember and try to give that same easing. I think that’s what really makes life worth living, honestly. Helping each other through it. Being there for each other – our chosen family.

And down the road a bit, when the virus is hopefully more contained and our safety is an easier thing, I hope to have her back to sit in the sunshine outside. I’d love to sit and watch the flock, with our feet resting in the sun-warmed dirt and the sound of the stream passing us by. She and I will talk about the world and our place in it and laugh, because we always find laughter when we’re together.

Send her kind thoughts of peace and blessings, ok? I know I am.

Moonfire

Tuesday and the Mental Purge

I need to let a few of these thoughts out so I can move on with the work tasks that are pressing. I’ll begin by saying that I’m finding the meds are working well in combination with each other. The duloxetine does nicely for my nerve pain. The Vyvanse and Guanfacine work well for my ADHD/RSD combo symptoms, although the Vyvanse doesn’t appear to be at a therapeutic dose for me and tomorrow’s increase may make the difference I need. Crossing fingers on that one!

My cold hands and feet are a side-effect that I can live with. I make sure to take care of them and the fingerless warming gloves I got do feel nice, although I don’t think I can actually type while wearing them. Still, taking a break to warm up feels good, so it’s still a win on those.

I’m really frustrated with my dental situation and the cost that is piling on me. Oldest and I have expensive meds each month, so my medical savings account is our protection for that… along comes this dental crisis and it’s cleaning out my funds faster than they can be put in. So the next tooth will just be pulled. There is no choice. I’ve been sharing my story on Facebook and many of my friends are sharing the same tales. So many of us have to just pull teeth, rather than get the care that is available but too costly. In contrast, there are wealthy folks out there who have multiple homes and cars and never have to worry about how to pay for groceries or medical or dental and NEVER have to ration their gas to make it to the next influx of money. What a fucking joke.

I’ve heard about people who become more conservative as they age and that’s not my experience. I am so frustrated with the economic inequality in this country and on this planet. No. I’m not frustrated. I’m fed up with it. It’s bullshit.

This morning I put $10 worth of gas in my car so I can make it to payday on Friday. I’m driving youngest back and forth to school, across town, and it sucks down the gas. It’s worth it, as he needed to go back to in-person learning. Remote just wasn’t working for him and I think the loneliness of it was pressing in on him. He needed to be back with the feral kids at his school. But he needed new shoes because his old ones were really tight on his feet. My mum bought them for him, as I needed him to wait to Friday when I get paid. I looked at the receipt and holy crap, I can’t even afford to pay her back for them. $68 for shoes because he has giant feet and needs grown-man shoes. I’m praying that these last him a long time and he doesn’t grow out of them, because now he’s telling me that he has grown out of his winter coat that I got extra big on him last year.

And so it goes. On and on. X is monkeying around with his old cell phone instead of turning it in when he did his upgrade, so I’m being hit with $150 in charges that I can’t afford on my account. Plus his charges for last month also hit and not a peep about it. I haven’t heard anything back on our divorce, but am hoping it comes through in a timely manner so I can move on mentally and focus on keeping me and the kids going forward. I really need to sell a couple of things so I can keep our food/gas/medical budget at a decent level. Youngest is going through a growth spurt and is eating like crazy. He’s so underweight and finding foods that are healthy and filling is a challenge. I need the child support for him so I can ensure that he gets the food and clothing he needs, but I also have this sense that it’s on shaky ground, so it’s compounding the worries I have.

I hate being dependent on someone else to get by. I hate it. I hate having the feeling that I’m too close to the edge of financial disaster to weather a crisis if it happens. I hate that my mum had to pay for my new tires or the new shoes for youngest. I hate that I have to get my tooth pulled and the other one may ultimately be pulled, too. I hate that I need the child support for youngest, even though X is his parent, too, and it’s the right thing to do.

I hate that worry about these things distracts me from the stuff I should be focusing on. I’m building a good life for youngest here and I have to keep that in mind. Oldest will do what she needs to do and head off on her own as soon as she’s able. I will tough things out and figure out a way to get through all of this.

But for now? I’m just going to let it all out and get back to work.

Moonfire

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

I’ve got limited time, as I’m taking a brief break before I get back to work after having had a root canal. It was an interesting and LONG experience. This was day 2 of the two day process. Dentist says I’ll be hurting when the numbness wears off. He said the same thing last week and nope, didn’t hurt. I suffered with a gall stone for 10 years, I can handle this.

Still, I took Tylenol just now, to head off serious pain, and I took them up on their offer of Ibuprofen.

So RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). Yeah. I score high on the testing scale for it. So I talked to my primary doc yesterday and she approved that switch I had mentioned. Last night was my first dose. Now she had also noted that my BP will take a couple weeks to respond the meds. So I took the dose last night, slept ok – not great – but I was really hot, so that was making it hard to sleep.

Woke up pretty groggy this morning, so might have to move it back earlier – like to dinner time.

But here’s the seriously good news… and I’m not sure what it means: I wasn’t stressed about my meeting with my boss this morning. I was also having serious internet issues while trying to have my Zoom meeting with her and I didn’t get touchy or freaked out. I am still super forgetful and the ADHD-inattentive symptoms are front and center, but I think Vyvanse increasing in dosage will help with that. I am not groggy this afternoon, other than the side effects of having just gone through a major dental procedure. But the really big news on top of that was the dentist’s office took my BP while I was there – just after they gave me the numbing shots (which made my heart rate zoom) – and my BP was in NORMAL RANGE!

Holy shit. Even the losartan has helped but not to that degree. This is making me wonder how much of my BP issues are related to my stress and emotional response issues? Keeping in mind that I was pretty stressed at that point because the dentist had just put a giant needle in my mouth and shot me full of the numbing agent. I hate needles.

Anyway, it’s hard to figure out what had what impact, but this is all very promising. We’ll see what happens over the next several days. If things continue this well, I may have found a great solution in one single pill for several issues and that is a great thing.

Cross fingers with me, as I need a win right now.

Moonfire

Day Number? Tuesday Struggles

I have another 7 days left after today at the lower dose. I really wish it were higher and I could get a longer symptom-free period out of the Vyvanse, but I am still grateful for what I DO get from it. I’m definitely more productive in the mornings and the slide from noon to 2pm is a soft landing. By 3pm, I’m pretty much back to my unmedicated status. What does make a difference is knowing that I was able to focus for a while. It gives me a more positive take on my day, which helps with my mood.

I had the appointment with my primary care doc and she agreed to let me try the Guanfacine as my new blood pressure med, but she warned me that it won’t go into effect right away and will take a couple of weeks to make a difference. Likewise, I’m unsure how it will help with the RSD, if at all. Still, it’s worth a shot. I’m also really hoping that it’s effective at making me drowsy for bedtime so I can bag the zolpidem. Getting rid of two medicines for one sounds like a good deal.

I’d like to get my running shoes out and try a bit of jogging or fast walking later in the day to offset the grogginess when I run out of energy and focus. We’ll see if I can will up the strength to do it because right now everything feels like I’m walking through sludge. Thank you “end of the day” slump. I’m beginning to realize that all the energy drinks I used to pound down were my silly way of trying to self-medicate. I am caffeine-free now, except for what might get into foods like chocolate. They can take chocolate from my cold, dead hands.

Much like yesterday morning, I was very anxious about starting the work day today. I don’t trust that this will all smooth out and get better. I know that’s a sad thing, but years of conditioning have put me into this state of doubt about myself and about how managers deal with folks with my kind of issues. We’re difficult. We take a lot of work. Add into that the fact that I’m medicating myself so I can function like a neurotypical person and it makes me feel a bit down. I think I’m mostly down right now because even with the medication, this is a shit-ton of work. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could be doing things that suit our temperament AND our brain function?

Yeah.

I’m sure I’m not alone on that one.

I’m going to get back to my tasks at hand and try to hustle before the end of the day, but my energy is tanked and my attention span is now almost non-existent. I’m going to be grateful for anything I accomplish and tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will also be my adventure with a root canal. Joy. I’m really excited to go to the dentist yet again. Only one more session after that and it’ll be for the crown to save that tooth. You know? If I had just had it pulled, this would all be over right now.

Sigh.

And that my friends is all I have.

Moonfire

Sunday and Update

Missed yesterday. Busy but also too little sleep. I am rapidly discovering that sleep is a critical piece of my being able to function well. Knowing that helps. I guess maybe I’ve always known it, but now I see it in a different light. Also, hydration… good food… exercise… vitamins and nutritional support – you know, all those things they continuously natter at us about? Yeah, those are necessary to support me when I’m on the meds.

It’s fine. I am excavating myself out from under the mental baggage that I piled on because I saw myself as the ultimate failure. For a bit last week I was distracted by my fascination with how the meds alleviated a good portion of my symptoms. But gradually that fascination wore off and I was back to having to recognize how the negative self-esteem impacted me. So not only am I dealing with the symptoms of the ADHD, I’m also dealing with the psychological load that piled on from years of thinking bad thoughts about myself.

I talked to my mum about it yesterday morning (over tea, because that’s what you do when you’re from Canada and you’re having that kind of conversation). I finally broke through the dam of emotions and told her what I’ve thought of myself all these years. I cried my heart out while doing it. I told her that I had wanted to kill myself many, many times because I hated living so much.

I don’t feel that way anymore. Not at all. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt to think of how much I hated myself. It physically hurt to be me. I don’t have any other way to put it.

Now I’m tired and I know I have a lot of work to do to come back to “whole” but instead of being sad about it, I’m curious. I’m curious to see what I’ll find now that I’m stopping the self-hate.

I have an incredible counselor who can help me through that process. I’m also reading Women with Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden and I have the book on PTSD that I will get back to as I carve out time and space for how difficult that book is to read (it brings some of the memories back up to the forefront and I need the mental space to deal with that).

I’m balancing this all with having to rebuild my reputation at work and frankly, that is hard for me. I am DREADING working on Monday. I feel my teeth continually tighten and clench when I consider it. I have to get through this, not just because I need the job and income to support my family. I also need to do this because this is what normal people do. They don’t go into fight or flight mode when hard things happen. Even just writing that out helps me remember that it’s normal to work through stuff like this and not just run away.

So I will.

But can I still feel sick about it and still have a lingering sense of shame over what has happened? All of these complex feelings and thoughts don’t just pack up and move out because I’m on meds or I know what is happening. If it were that easy, I’d be doing just hunky dory.

Instead, I have to rally my steel backbone and tough it out. I think the medication switch I’m hoping to do on Tuesday will help. I’m going to talk to my primary care doc about switching from losartan-HCTZ to guanfacine. The losartan is for my high blood pressure. I also take zolpidem so I can sleep on work nights. It is my forceful way of shutting down my busy brain. I want the guanfacine for blood pressure, increased drowsiness at bed time, and it can treat rejection sensitive dysphoria, which I score very high for. I can replace 2 pills with the guanfacine and hopefully treat the RSD at the same time. Win/win.

And if the RSD is even somewhat controlled, I can deal more effectively with the horrible situation at work. My relationship with my boss has deteriorated in a significant and overwhelming way. Our HR person has told me that she believes we will heal with time, but in the meantime my unease and discomfort with the situation is producing a physiological reaction that comes from the RSD. My hurt “Old Shannon” wants to get away and just have a fresh start somewhere else. The problem is “New Shannon” loves the team, the agency, and the work. I can do it. I know I can do it well. I just have to overcome the barriers that my previously unmedicated brain led me to.

This is a first for me. I have to be really honest. This is the first time I’ve stood up and said “NO” to the fight or flight instincts that got honed over the rest of my life. I have NEVER stood my ground with a job like I am doing with this one. I guess that should indicate exactly how much I want to stay there. I could apply to other places and even possibly earn a higher wage. But that isn’t what I want. It doesn’t matter that I feel ill at the thought of what tomorrow will bring. I have to hang in there. I have to get past this.

I think it’s important to note all these contradicting feelings and thoughts, as I go through this process of healing and moving forward. It’s easy to just lose myself in the day-to-day of the process and not document it, but I think I need to write about it. I don’t want to forget about what it takes to go through the healing. I want to acknowledge that it’s difficult. I also want to keep track of my cognitive processes, as my writing is turning out to be a great reflector of my emotional status. If things go off the rails, I think I’ll see it here quickly.

I’m super dizzy and tired this morning. I think it’s the lack of sleep. I’m going to take a nap before we go to mum’s place to work. I need the rest so I don’t burn myself out and end up physically ill.

That’s it for now. Time for a small snooze to refresh.

Moonfire

Day 4, same dose: Spicy is the Cure for Anything

I’m taking a momentary break from work to jot down a couple quick thoughts. I’m learning SO much about how my body’s state impacts my attention. First, though, ahhhh…. Spicy Ginger is the cure for almost anything. I sit at my work table, looking out my front windows, and when I see him? I feel this super glow inside. A kiss can cure the blues. A smile from him is visual music. His touch is better than the softest blanket and I really LOVE those. 😀

But let’s get back to the topic at hand: How am I doing on day 4 of the meds? Well, here’s my assessment so far…

I love the Vyvanse. I tolerate it really well. No hideous side-effects and it forces me to drink more fluids. Win/win. As for reduction of my symptoms, I’d say it works well but I’m going to add the following caveats:

1. It wears off really quickly for me. By 3pm it’s wearing off and the fatigue starts hitting. I’m still working on timing when to take my dose. I’m reluctant to go later than 7am because I really need to be highly focused for work and it’s clear that this does make an incremental difference. Today I will focus on ensuring that my fluid intake and protein intake are high enough to offset fatigue that may be dehydration (Vyvanse has a diuretic effect) and lack of nutrition because I keep forgetting to eat and I’ve had a very bad tooth situation making it difficult to eat.
2. It’s mitigating my symptoms, but it’s also clear that I’m not at a therapeutic dose level. I can tell that it’s on the right track. I just need a higher dose that can hold on longer and I’m not sure how that will work, so I’ll talk with my doctor at my follow up appointment. I also can tell that it’s improving my symptoms, but is not high enough to relieve them adequately.
3. While the side-effects are not hideous, I am noticing a couple and want to mention them to keep this accurate. My hands and feet are cold. Now that’s not a new thing for me, as I’ve had this issue all my life. It’s more noticeable now, but actually I prefer it to them being too hot so it doesn’t bother me. I am really noticing the diuretic effect and have to force myself to offset that by drinking more fluids, which is going to be a major behavioral change for me. I tend to run low on fluids normally.
4. It’s still work. What I mean by this is that meds are only one piece of the puzzle. I have to be more on guard for the signs that I’m heading into la-la land. I have to monitor my emotional and sensory responses to stimuli. I am still highly distractable. I am still super forgetful. My sensory input is too high and that makes staying focused on work difficult. And due to all this extra work to stay focused, as well as the stress due to the problems with my job, I am clenching my teeth (which likely led to the broken tooth problem) which hurts my teeth and gives me a headache.
5. I am also finding that I’m super sensitive to criticism right now. Actually, I think I’ve been that way my whole life, but right now it feels unfair when I’m doing everything I can possibly do to be a better worker and mom. It’s not that I don’t feel feedback is warranted, I just can’t stomach being criticized for things that happened prior to my starting on my meds and taking control. I want and NEED positive feedback that supports me because this is a crazy amount of effort and work to overcome what I now understand about how I function.

So those are my takeaways from my first 4 days on the meds, all of which has happened during the work week. I’m super curious to see how I do with my home-life obligations this weekend. That needs just as much attention and work as my job does.

I am so glad and so relieved to have the diagnosis and to be gaining better understanding about what it means. I’m finally feeling a great deal of hope about my future and I have no sense of depression pressing in on me any longer. My theory is that the majority of my depression is likely caused by the impacts of my ADHD. It’ll be interesting to watch over time if that’s supported and that my immune system becomes more robust because of the alleviation of my depressive symptoms. If that’s the case? Well, after a life-time of being a sickly human, it could be the biggest bonus of them all.

Happy Friday from Clarity,
Moonfire