and now I’ve found support too

CPAPtalk.com for support forum.  I’ll need it so I don’t get frustrated and pissy when things don’t go well sometimes.  But oh boy, am I having a hard time knowing I have to wait.  I can’t believe I had my first sleep study in April 2006 and it’s taken me until now to get the CPAP (medical insurance denied it then – not medically necessary, no – but I ended up on sleeping pills for a zillion years… thanks).

We couldn’t afford it back then and I’m pretty sure they didn’t have the cool nasal pillows, or at least not developed to the point they are now.  The only downside I had last night was swallowing air.  It has to come out sometime and it was an “exciting” morning when it was!

I have a ton to learn now – how to take care of it, how to adjust when I need to…  How to cope when the power goes out!

This is new territory for me.  I might enjoy the holidays this year.  whoa.  I’m kind of hopeful and excited.  This has been a long, miserable haul dealing with poor sleep and the sensation I was going to lose my mind if I couldn’t get a decent night’s sleep.  Thankfully, my honey has a sense of humor and is supportive.  Maybe getting a happy wife back will make all the money and trouble worth it!

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CPAP joy!

I had my CPAP titration sleep study last night.  I used the “nasal pillows” mask and I love it!  I’m claustrophobic, so I can’t take the face mask style… makes me really tense and slightly freaked out.  But the little pillows thing is great.  Ended up needing the chin strap because my jaw kept falling open when I was asleep and even that was good.

The over-all feeling I had was of being comforted and hugged.  Weird, eh?

The wires, leads, sticky stuff and the oxygen monitor on my finger all bothered me, so it wasn’t great sleep but it was good sleep (5 or so wakings for things to be adjusted).  Love the sleep tech, JP.  He’s a great guy and not intrusive at all.

This is the first morning in a really long time where I’m not feeling dizzy and sick.  I’m still tired, but considering the sleep debt I’ve got going on, that is not surprising.

The most difficult part about the pillows?  Trying to relax and not worry about their positioning.  I’ll have to go in and have my neck/back adjusted today…. so worth it though.

After years on sleeping pills, I may finally be nearing some good sleep on a regular basis.  I felt like I was being cuddled last night….  face cuddling…  Yep.  That sounds really weird too.  But seriously, that’s how it felt.  I might even be out of nightmare territory with the cpap.

As for the sound?  Minimal.  It was so quiet I almost didn’t notice it except when I was fully awake at a couple points.  And there were actually moments where I forgot I had the nasal pillows on.  It’s very well structured to be as minimally invasive as possible.  Blessings to the folks who came up with it!!

cheers from a much more awake moonfire

maybe a bit of relief

6 hours straight last night.  It’s a start.  Throwing the football with Bren tonight.  Fun stuff.  Jammed my finger and  it’s now my “Mom Badge of Honor”.  🙂

Hungry but not interested in eating.  Weird feeling.

Got 100% on my midterm last weekend.  This in the midst of insomnia central.  Nice to know I can thrive in the middle of adversity!

Time to find something productive to do…. like reading for my classes.

***

Oh and one new thing!  I found a fantastic law program.  Well rated and it offers the area that I most want to pursue.  It’s a master’s program, so there’s no issue with residency AND it’s a law and policy program.  This means it dovetails nicely with my MPA.  Yes, this is slightly a case of “chickens being counted before they are hatched” since I don’t have the MPA yet.

Won’t be happening in 2012 though.  I need a break between programs.

***

How am I going to be patient while waiting to hear on the job thing?  Unknowns drive me nuts.  darn.

***

That’s it for me.

Tired, angry woman

My normal miserable insomnia is worse right now.  So in an effort to keep myself functional for work, I went to see a PA in my doctor’s office.  Ambien CR barely has been working lately.  She prescribed Trazadone.  Um, what??  My body took that stuff and kicked it to the curb, with prejudice.

Two hours after taking it, I was up walking around and calling the pharmacist to ask what I could do.

So here I am, home from work, which is exactly what I was trying to prevent.  My eyes are dry and sore.  I’m dizzy and queasy from lack of sleep.  I’m one pissed-off, angry hornet of a woman right now.

I found a coupon for Lunesta on their website… try it for 7 days free.  So I’ll give that a shot and see if it works.  Nasty taste side effect sounds awful, so I suppose I’ll have to be prepared for that with a way to counteract it.  Sounds like a good reason to get candy.

I don’t have a great deal of faith in the PA I saw yesterday.  I’ve got a long-term record of insomnia (read YEARS) and she actually asked me the dumb-ass “sleep hygiene” question.  Are you serious?  Lady, I could teach sleep hygiene at this point.  She also said… “Well, I just want you to know that missing sleep isn’t the worst thing that could happen.”

HOLY CRAP.  What the hell??  Seriously?  I’m tired and I’m miserable and you just said that to me?  (and yes, I’m also visiting Aunt Flo this week, so you can guess how that is adding to the mix).

I should have answered, “You’re right, missing work due to no sleep is the worst that could happen at this point.”  Oh wait.  I am.

Yeah.  I’m cranky.  Today was supposed to be training and meetings and student appointments.  There is no way I would have made it through.  A week straight of 4-5 hour nights has me thrashed.  Keep in mind, this is not 4-5 hours of good sleep.  I have Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome, so my sleep is disrupted 14-15 times per hour of sleep.  Every 4 minutes or so I am disrupted from decent sleep.

bah.

I’m going to drink some hot tea and wait for the doctor’s office to call me back.  And I will attempt to stop cussing.

moonfire

memories

Just read over posts from spring 2010, before I left the position with DS (former boss I keep mentioning right now).

The day I said goodbye and left that old position, he told me he’d really enjoyed working with me and that he, “wished he could give me a 30% raise so I would stay.”

Now, a year and a half later, I think how wonderful it is that perhaps I could work for him again.  And, as my friend yesterday said, it’s not perfect.  And as I told her, nothing ever is.

The tea has helped calm my tummy now and it’s 5:26, so perhaps I can nab 2 more hours before the day begins?

Tea and Insomnia

I was up around 3am.  This means (so far) a net gain on my sleep time of about 1.5 hours over the night before.  Almost time to cheer about that one!

I think it’s not a surprise that I woke up and as soon as my brain began to fully function – and this is a relativistic term, particularly in the face of it being freaking early – in my head I began to write my application letter for the new position.  Things move slowly in state government…  really slowly.  Because of this vast, slow movement (I’m thinking borderline glacier), I may not have the opportunity to apply until later in October or November.  This is a long time to be sitting upon that kind of knowledge, feeling guilty about even making the attempt due to my feelings of loyalty for my current department.  Or at least, the feelings of loyalty I feel towards the people.  I think I’ve been fairly clear about my ongoing struggles with the fatiguing nature of my work, not to mention the lengthy hours.

I realized over the course of last night and this early morning adventure, that this is about quality of life which extends not just into the realm of my financial needs for supporting my family, but also into mental health, family dynamic, and peace of mind to live much more freely as a parent.  If I am less concerned about how we’ll pay the rent, I am more mentally free.  If I feel intellectually challenged, I am more mentally free.  If I know that taking time to see a kid’s play or be attending for a big event is not only ok, but fully understood?

You get the idea.

Now the practical issue still has to be addressed – the one that caused me to hit bottom this week:  Money.

I’ve run some test data to see what the implications might be.  I think the university will fight the salary level my old boss is asking for.  It’s a fact of life and I don’t believe he has built in any supervision component for the position, although, certainly we did not discuss it to the nitty gritty detail level.  I think I was too busy trying to pull myself together well enough to eat my salad.  Perhaps eating before talking would have been prudent??

By the way, chamomile tea with honey is very soothing at 4:17 am.  Just in case anyone was wondering.

Slight digression here:  I find it interesting to look at the patterns in things.  You could say that I’m slightly driven by it (ok, more than slightly driven…), and I noticed a pattern to this ripple effect in the choices I have made.  Yet again, I can see how certain choices led to this moment.  I left the university to work as the tech support person at an accounting software firm.  I lasted “on the outside” of the university for 7 months.  I interviewed with my now “former boss” who contacted me this week.  The interview was November 2009.  I began work there January 2010, the same month that my financial aid position was announced.  I was very upfront with my boss and in the end of much waiting, I began the financial aid job (my first professional position) in May 2010.

There is a very good chance that I may be interviewing with him in November of this year.

Not much of a pattern, when written like that, but here are the kickers.  I wanted out of financial aid in January, instead working away at it and still being a part of it now, fall 2011.  I only worked for my former boss for 4.5 months.  In that time he came to appreciate me and he fully supported my move into a professional position.  If I had left financial aid when I so very much wanted to, I would not have been available for the opportunity sitting here before me.  Slogging through has put me in the one place I needed to be.

I may have to diagram this on my white board as a reminder that patience does pay off.

And no, I may not ultimately be chosen.  I will have to reconcile myself to it and not pin all hope on this one position.  At the same time, I refuse to given in to pessimism and be self-defeating.  I will do my best.

There is potential here… potential to move into 2012 in a new, better-paying, less stressful job, with a brighter, healthier mental health picture due to the work I’m doing with SSF (my clinical psych), and a freshly pressed Master’s in Public Administration, emphasis on government management.

Is there anyone out there who would not see this as a positive and refreshing way to begin a new year?

Questioning minds may want to know:  What about law school?  I called the program yesterday.  They are 2-5 years out from bringing the full law program down here to our city.  I will not move.  I actually discussed this goal with former boss yesterday and he is hearing that they are bringing the tech law degree down first, with the environmental and resource law program coming in later.  In this instance, I can be patient.  I can REALLY be patient if my employment world changes.

I have to be living in the present now.  I have a mid-term this weekend, initial and tentative research to perform, as well as thread postings of substance to create.  I then have to place one foot in front of another, working just as hard each day as I can, to make sure that my current job is handled in the best way I can.  I will move forward with everything as though this has not happened.

I may be writing a year from now, talking about the opportunity that came and went, while I continued to plug away at my current department.  I may be writing a year from now, talking about all of the work that had to be done when I made the transition.  Or I may be writing a year from now, discussing the difficulties, trial and tests it took to land a federal job.

It’s all a mystery at this point.

And it’s 4:35am.  So I think I’ll finish my tea, read a few blogs, and try to slip back to bed for a bit of rest.  It’s a Mie Mie kids day, chess morning, and read/write/study weekend.

cheers,
moonfire