excavating

Well.  Tomorrow is going to be an interesting mix of “OMG” and “TGIF”.

I’m meeting with the lovely woman who I replaced at the office.  She has gone on to stay home with her beautiful baby girl and she’s now working as a financial advisor for a national company.  The thing that has me freaked out?  Showing her our situation.  I went as far as I could with documenting our financial picture, but what struck me (like a giant bat up one side of my head) was how embarrassed I am for her to see this.

I’m completely mortified.

I’m a firm believer in facing things head on and tackling those fears, but over the last several years I’ve gotten so that I want to avoid certain issues.  I’ll admit it… I’m a big, giant chicken shit about certain topics.

Tomorrow night I’m going to meet with her and we’ll talk about our financial “picture”, which is really more like a horror movie with the dumb bimbo in her underpants screaming as the guy with the big knife comes right for her.    And yes.  We’re the dumb bimbo.  Or the dude that goes into the basement when the lights go out, “to see what happened.”  Dude.  Seriously?  You are so dead.

I won’t wimp and moan about this either.  I will take a full blame on this one.  I won’t put it down to being under-employed for about the last 10 years, although that hasn’t helped.  So what?  Other people can make it.  I won’t whine about Todd giving up a great paying (but not healthy) job so he could go back to school.    And I sure as hell won’t try blaming in on the economy or something like that, because we’ve both managed to stay employed and mostly functional over these last few years.

I will say thank you very much to the credit card companies for raising our rates about 18 months ago and effectively increasing my payments by 1/3.  That’s what I get for allowing those things into my life and yes, I’ve learned that lesson – which will only take me the next 5 years or so to get rid of.

But other than that one little whimper, I’m totally willing to stand up, red faced and completely, wretchedly mortified that someone is going to look at what we’ve done and cringe.

Weird…  a line from a Jimi Hendrix song just wafted though my head… “there must be some kinda way out of here…”

I have a small working theory.  If you shine a light on something – poke at it – look at it and understand what it is – even name it?  It loses power and it is demystified.  I honestly don’t know why I’ve become this way about money.  I don’t know why we’ve lost track of intelligence and coherence when it comes to managing ourselves.  But starting tomorrow I’m going to shine a gigantic light on this mess and start working on picking out the path to recovery.  I’m not a religious person, so I’ll be honest – something like debtor’s anonymous or such is not for me, due to the heavy religious overtones.

I wish someone would put something like that together for those of us who need to find a way out of the black hole, because it really, truly stinks.  I don’t want to mortgage my future or that of my family.  I don’t want to keep worrying about how to get from one paycheck to another.

I want to live a practical and realistic life.  That seems like a decent enough goal.

I guess that first step begins tomorrow.

moonfire signing off

266 days

As of tomorrow, I have 266 days until my last day of classes for my graduate degree.  And yes, I printed off the calendar and I’m crossing off the days.

And I’m torn between saving up days off for a recovery period when I’m done, or using them every two weeks during the last four “Hell Months” so I can make it through the workload with two classes each 8 week session.

June 23rd, 2011.

One day at a time.  Here I go.

oh hell

I can’t figure out if I’m just having incredible “stupid moments” at work or if something else is up with me.  I feel like my brain cells are not staying put and doing what they should.  Disconcerting?  Yes.

Did some reading for class.  Lost a few more.  Is this a correlation between the amount I study and my cognitive functioning at work?  I’m beginning to think so.

Time to find a calendar, print it off, and start checking off days until I’m done with this graduate school madness.

bah.

reminder

I just read a posting by another writer here on WordPress (Getting Closer to Fine by The Writing Spider).  So I hunted down the song she mentions, Closer to Fine, by the Indigo Girls.  Oh the memories that triggered.

And how appropriate that song feels for this time and space as well.

I talked to a co-worker (how distant that sounds and so non-expressive of how I feel about this lovely woman I work with)… she lost a close family friend over the weekend.  We talked today, about her friend, about the family that lost a mom and sister, and I was at a loss for a bit.  What can you do when this happens, except stop and think about how that person meant something so much to so many people and how they are missing her incredibly now.

Tonight I sat with my kids, enjoying bad pizza and drinking hot tea.  We watched a movie, gave dad a new nick name (Mr. Sparkles) and enjoyed the company of each other.

Sometimes I don’t have the words.  Sometimes all I can do is listen to a piece of music.  Or maybe my kids laughing.  Or a friend tell me about loss or love or a small piece of life that happens, without a person really meaning to have it happen.

…and maybe get closer to fine.

Frustration!

I really like the course I’m in right now (just finished up week 4 of 8).  So why is it that I cannot seem to get my writing to cooperate??  I am writing like I’m only half involved.  Is it short-timer’s?  Is it pure laziness?

Augh.

I’ve come out of this research project with some really viable ideas for increasing staff motivation in our department and the research supports my conclusions.  I just can’t seem to come up with a paper worth anything yet.  Instead it is loose and repetitive.  I need a break from this and then I need to review my materials again before I attempt fleshing out the paper.  I got caught up in my research today and lost sight of the fact that I was supposed to be writing an outline, not a paper.

Anyway, I’m so tired now that I can’t really focus and my writing at the end was horrid.  I spent a grand total of 10 hours work on a 60 pt assignment because I wasn’t focused.  At least it will prep me really well for the final writing on this.  That portion is 160 points.

It won’t be perfection, but then again, this is the first class where I’ve really felt like I had to work for my grade.  And that isn’t a bad thing in my book.

moonfire

Oh yeah, it’s insane here today

Our town has gone totally nuts.  I’ll admit it – I am feeling a bit of the excitement too.  I NEVER watch football, but tonight we’ve got the tv on and we’re planning to watch the Boise State game.  It’s contagious.  Seriously.  And if I can avoid the nutty traffic, all the better.

So this morning it was off early to Bren’s first chess tournament of the school year, then rush to do a bit of birthday shopping, change clothes and rush to the party.  All told, I’m just glad to be home.  I think I’ll log on to our university library and finish up the research I need to outline for tomorrow.

I’d like to write more, but I just don’t have it me right now.  My brain is fuzzy and I have this feeling that a nap would be more productive than research, but we’ll see….

cheers from the land of the orange and blue,
moonfire