Well. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting mix of “OMG” and “TGIF”.
I’m meeting with the lovely woman who I replaced at the office. She has gone on to stay home with her beautiful baby girl and she’s now working as a financial advisor for a national company. The thing that has me freaked out? Showing her our situation. I went as far as I could with documenting our financial picture, but what struck me (like a giant bat up one side of my head) was how embarrassed I am for her to see this.
I’m completely mortified.
I’m a firm believer in facing things head on and tackling those fears, but over the last several years I’ve gotten so that I want to avoid certain issues. I’ll admit it… I’m a big, giant chicken shit about certain topics.
Tomorrow night I’m going to meet with her and we’ll talk about our financial “picture”, which is really more like a horror movie with the dumb bimbo in her underpants screaming as the guy with the big knife comes right for her. And yes. We’re the dumb bimbo. Or the dude that goes into the basement when the lights go out, “to see what happened.” Dude. Seriously? You are so dead.
I won’t wimp and moan about this either. I will take a full blame on this one. I won’t put it down to being under-employed for about the last 10 years, although that hasn’t helped. So what? Other people can make it. I won’t whine about Todd giving up a great paying (but not healthy) job so he could go back to school. And I sure as hell won’t try blaming in on the economy or something like that, because we’ve both managed to stay employed and mostly functional over these last few years.
I will say thank you very much to the credit card companies for raising our rates about 18 months ago and effectively increasing my payments by 1/3. That’s what I get for allowing those things into my life and yes, I’ve learned that lesson – which will only take me the next 5 years or so to get rid of.
But other than that one little whimper, I’m totally willing to stand up, red faced and completely, wretchedly mortified that someone is going to look at what we’ve done and cringe.
Weird… a line from a Jimi Hendrix song just wafted though my head… “there must be some kinda way out of here…”
I have a small working theory. If you shine a light on something – poke at it – look at it and understand what it is – even name it? It loses power and it is demystified. I honestly don’t know why I’ve become this way about money. I don’t know why we’ve lost track of intelligence and coherence when it comes to managing ourselves. But starting tomorrow I’m going to shine a gigantic light on this mess and start working on picking out the path to recovery. I’m not a religious person, so I’ll be honest – something like debtor’s anonymous or such is not for me, due to the heavy religious overtones.
I wish someone would put something like that together for those of us who need to find a way out of the black hole, because it really, truly stinks. I don’t want to mortgage my future or that of my family. I don’t want to keep worrying about how to get from one paycheck to another.
I want to live a practical and realistic life. That seems like a decent enough goal.
I guess that first step begins tomorrow.
moonfire signing off