one step back, two forward?

Still waiting on word about the lateral transfer within our department.  Joined the Biggest Loser competition in our office and so far I’m on track to losing at a consistent rate.

Then tonight I read my old blogs from 2009 and got depressed.  I’ve tried this a few times over the last couple of years (the weight loss, not the lateral transfer).

I’m torn about this.  I can’t give in to the pessimism, yet I feel worried that I’ll end up giving up.  Augh.  Positive visualization says to imagine my success and I’ll get there.  Now I’ve done this before and been successful.  Sadly, I had to be REALLY selfish during that 10 month time-period when I lost 48 lbs.  I can’t do that again.  Can I do something different?  I hope so.  My kids need me to be healthy.  My job needs it.  I need it.  I can’t live on Prilosec forever!

I’m not patient, am I?

Well that’s it.  Can’t think about this anymore.

oh so tired

This will likely be short.  I’m wiped out.  It has been a busy week, with training new staff, playing catch-up on my work since I was out at that week-long training last week and answering many questions about whether or not I was going after the opening on another team in my department.  I feel like I’ve been pulled in a hundred different directions, all without much definition or focus.

I’ve got 2 weeks until my next class starts.  I’m trying to be excited about it.  Most of the time I am excited, then I feel the enthusiasm ebb because I’ve enjoyed the break I’ve had recently.  Work is still trying my patience, although I’ve come to understand that it’s a fact of life in our field.  I really enjoy the company of our new counselor.  She has a great perspective on the world and offers a skillset our team could sorely use.  It’s funny how I keep hoping I can help ease her way through the first year and provide her many of the supports that I really needed… It reminds me of how we feel as parents – hoping to protect our kids from the mistakes we made when we were younger.  And no – I don’t feel parental towards her.  I feel protective because I know how hard it has been for me.  It will still be hard for her, but maybe it doesn’t have to be AS hard as it was for me.

Tuesday, July 5th I’ll start my last year of graduate school.  Unlike last year when it suddenly looked like I could finish up this summer by doubling up on classes, it’s a more peaceful sensation.  I’m neither excited nor worried about it.  I just feel a sense of determination.  I want to finish this degree and move on.  It’s that simple.  Maybe the sense that I want to be completely finished won’t last… Maybe I’ll decide way down the road that I want to pursue something else.  I don’t know.  Right now I’m looking down this stretch of classes, seven total, and I’m determined to see them checked off, one by one.  I wish I didn’t have to double up.  If I want to finish in June of 2012 it’s a necessity, so I’ll do it.

Todd and I are having a rough time with both of us students and the pressures of my job.  We’re roommates more than anything right now.  Lunch together on campus is a date, while we sit together talking about work and school.  Evenings are spent vegging out with the kids, even we balance laptops on our knees and type in thread posts or juggle readings in between tossing down dinner.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about mindfulness and living in the moment.  There is on future except the next day.  Stop waiting for things to change and live where they are.  I told Todd today that I thought we just need to embrace the life we are currently living.  He can take it one semester at a time, while I parse things out one week at a time in my job.   Somehow we’ll survive this.  While I write that a flicker goes through my head…  What will our marriage look like after all of this?  Will it be stronger for having come through this insanity?  And did we not see how long this was going to take?

My impatience has risen again.  The wait for the news about the production position really make it hard to maintain any sense of patience.  Strange counselor meeting on Thursday happened and I got the sense that I was being “persuaded” that it was in my best interest for me to stay with my current team.  Unfortunately, the technique used didn’t suit the circumstances and quite possibly backfired from the intent.

Well, honestly my sleeping pills are kicking in and feel like perhaps I can finally crash.  I have a gentle, hopeful feeling about the move I’ve put in for.  I can only image that it’s the right thing to do.  And, as my boss indicated, it’s not like it’s forever.

blessings to my sister in law…  may health and safety be yours.

blessings to my sister and her family … may peace and sleep be yours

blessings to friends far away and friend close by.

moonfire

Ender’s Game, round 2

Just re-read Ender’s Game.  I needed an escape from all the massive change, loss, chaos that is happening in my world.  And I had forgotten just how deeply this book affects me.

Why is a bit of a mystery to me.  Is it because I’m a parent?  I’ve only ever read it as a parent and it’s difficult to read about what happens to this little boy without cringing and feeling sad at what he has to lose in order to become what is needed.  But I don’t think it’s as a parent that I cheer him on as he overcomes…  I wonder if it isn’t that odd-man out kid that I used to be?  Or maybe it’s the fact that he does win and yet he still understands the cost in the end.

It’s really hard to come up with words to describe why I love this book so much.  So given that I can’t adequately sum it up I will veer off slightly from any attempt to plug my thoughts into neat words and say this:  I actually avoided reading the subsequent Ender books or Card’s works because I love this book so much.

I didn’t want to be disappointed.  I’m finally overcoming that nervousness.  I’ll hunt down Speaker for the Dead next, fully understanding that it is completely different.  I’m ready now.  It took the second reading, maybe.  Or maybe it took me being a little more adventurous?  Hmm… I’ll have to ponder that one for a bit.

****

I’ve seen pictures of the baby.  I wish I could be there – snuggling him and listening to the birth story.  I wish I could be with my family in Canada.  It’s hard to be so far away.  That seems to be modern life, though.  Lots of distance and lots of email.  With pictures.

Time for bed.  I’m going to attempt to forget about the work chaos.  Here’s hoping.

moonfire