At the end of a long and busy Saturday, I feel a small sense of peace with the world. I traveled to BC last weekend. I had my last visit with my Nana and had family meals with all the relatives in the lower mainland, including my sister and her husband, my dad and his wife, my aunt, my uncle and his wife and daughter, and various dogs (aka “fur children”).
I said goodbye to my Nana. I had one good visit with her and two that were very difficult. I feel changed because of what I experienced, unfortunately I don’t know how to quantify it and I’m not sure I can even explain it in words. The world is a different, more fragile place. I see how easy it is to find yourself where you never expected – never anticipated, even though intellectually and logically it can be a possibility. We really have so very little control over what life brings us. Reconciling that with the choices we are faced with on a regular basis is tough. Is it fate? Is it free will? Is it some odd combination or neither?
Today we celebrated “Little Miss” turning 6. We had cake and ice-cream, a poorly rendered version of Happy Birthday, and some chaotic kid time. In the midst of this, Todd took a call inviting us to a barbecue with some very dear friends. In the middle of the chaos, I had a moment of perfect clarity that this was a time when we were truly free to be social. How often do we have the freedom? No tests… no homework pressing in… no work obligations or events blocking out the time… So from one event we trundled off to another. And it was very good.
I just finished up my final in my last class on Tuesday and I start my next class tomorrow, Sunday. Today was a wonderful period of time where I was free. I have to say that I really loved it. This is what it could be like when I graduate. I could take a weekend and putter around the house, attend a barbecue (guilt-free no less) and perhaps dance like a crazy woman with the kids. I say this on the heels of determining that I may have to extend my degree for a bit. I had thought I’d be able to finish up in December, unfortunately it appears that option may not be one I can take. I’d cry about it, mostly from frustration and a sense that my energies are dwindling fast, but what good does that do me? There is no reducing stress by finishing up school quickly. There is no switching into a job where my tension drops.
I will say this much: When and if that moment comes where I am free to make my choices, where that path opens up… I’m doing it. My honey and I have negotiated it and I think it’s a fair thing to do. I refuse to get to the end of all of this crazed life and have that regret hanging over me. Maybe it will only be for a year or two. Maybe I won’t be able to do everything I am hoping to do. It doesn’t matter – I’m going for it.
I told my Nana that we have a good life down here – that the boys are doing great and we’re all working hard. It was a lovely thing to see the smile on her face when I told her that I am graduating soon with my Master’s degree. It was a sweet moment when I could tell her how much I love my memories of being a small child and visiting her and how I’m sorry I was such a pain as a teenager.
My Nana, my Gramma, my mum and my sister all formed the core for me. They have all taught me about the world and hugged me when I was down. They helped me to see past my own small space. I understand being fierce for my family because of the fierceness each of them has had to experience. Because of them, I understand how hard it can be to make the tough choices… especially when it is necessary to make those choices so you can look after those you love.
I’m tired now and writing this is getting more and more difficult. All these thoughts are pinging through my brain. Each wants to be let out, yet I still don’t know how to express everything I feel. Best to let it go for now. There are other days for writing.