early morning free time

I was awake at my usual early hour (before 5am) and tried to go back to sleep, but too many things – both work and financial – batting around in my head.  So here I am, having eaten some oatmeal and enjoying a cup of tea as the sprinklers take care of the yard.  I’m still tired, which means I’ll likely pay the price for this early morning at about noon.  That’ll ensure a long, slow afternoon with mental struggles if I don’t plan now and I’m pondering what I can do to lift the fuzzy-headedness that is starting up even as I type this up.

Could I take a chance and head back to bed for an hour?  No, that won’t be enough to sustain me.  Drink some water?  It’ll help, but will it offset this enough?  Caffeine?  I haven’t noticed it helping this last couple of weeks.

Maybe I’ll just hop in the shower, get my gear together and head over early.  This won’t make any difference, as I’ll have to work through to the end of the day regardless, but maybe it will build in enough flex-time to allow for a midday walk and some slow-moving brain.

The sprinklers have stopped now and I’m guessing that should be my cue to get going.  I feel no sense of electric motivation today, only a sludgy brain and a slow-motion body.

moonfire

a different kind of paper

I am LOVING the “no homework” lifestyle!

And here is the funny thing:  I now have a different kind of paper to deal with now.  It’s called student loan consolidation and IBR payment plan request.  Oh.  And soon, hopefully, it will be the debt consolidation loan paperwork, then perhaps, mortgage loan paperwork.

I’d say that being a kid is better, but given the amount of paper that Bren is bringing home these days, he’s got it almost as bad.

Now that I’ve got the grade on our big program plan paper (40 pages – 100%), I’m set for graduation and just waiting on the official word. It’s hard to be patient, but it’s a lot easier than fretting about research and writing each week.  I’ll count my blessings where I can get them!

I’m really looking forward to having the student loan consolidation completed, as well as all the other financial hoops we’re working on.  In another 3-6 months everything will settle down into a nice, smooth rhythm.  That’s my theory anyway.  Whether or not it will happen is up in the air.  I don’t think I can count on anything until I actually see the signed documents executed.

Time to get back to hanging with my small fries.  Nothing to worry about except a bit of laundry, some dishes and mopping a couple floors.  Piece of cake!

moonfire

 

at sea

I took a vacation day yesterday and by 11am had my final class assignment done.

Yes.  I was ecstatic and excited.  We’re still hanging in by a thread financially (unemployed hubby), but I went ahead and credit carded getting my hair cut and colored.  Happy Graduation to me!  It looks great, giving me the boost I needed this week because…  I’m at sea.  I feel lost all of a sudden, even though, technically, I’m not quite done with this last class.  I’ll be submitting our final assignment late Friday night, when the week 8 thread is open.  I have two thread postings to do Friday, as that is the earliest we’re allowed to cease the week’s postings.  I’m essentially done with the class and my graduate degree, but I feel lost.

I’ve been thinking about why this might be.  Perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t have those last postings or assignment turned in.  Maybe it’s because I won’t have the grade for a couple weeks or my diploma for about 12 weeks.  Hell.  Maybe it’s because I truly am as chronic as everyone seems to be implying.  I don’t know.  Mostly, I feel like I’ll have to set about redefining my own self view.  No more student/full time employee/mom.  I can enjoy working and being mom, which are challenging enough on their own. 

I think the issue is that I’ve always identified myself as a student, even during those few periods in my adult life when I wasn’t in school for extended periods.  Do I even know how to go about things without that cadence… that rhythm?

Interesting question and one that I’m now facing.

Gradually, I’m sure I’ll let go and move on with things.  I guess I just don’t feel that I’m there yet.  Even weirder, I’m worried that I won’t ever feel the difference, that I’ll continue to live in this odd state of expectation and anticipation.  I’d really rather not, thanks.

I’m ultra tired, even for me, and feeling off isn’t helping things.  I’ve got too much to do at work to be this disconnected and lost.  On that note, I am still loving my job – even the portions that keep me on edge.  I know that next year at this time will be that much better and the year after that will be even better.  This is that long-term home that I’ve been needing to find and here I am, almost 5 months into it, happy with where I am and what I’m doing.  I love my boss.  I have (truly) the best co-workers you could ask for.

Now I’ve got the degree (for the most part) and I can settle down.  I think tomorrow night will be a computer-free night.  And Friday night?  I’m playing video games until that final week is officially open and I can dump off that last assignment.  No more worrying about grades or writing or whining about how I am tired of school.

What a thought.

moonfire