at sea

I took a vacation day yesterday and by 11am had my final class assignment done.

Yes.  I was ecstatic and excited.  We’re still hanging in by a thread financially (unemployed hubby), but I went ahead and credit carded getting my hair cut and colored.  Happy Graduation to me!  It looks great, giving me the boost I needed this week because…  I’m at sea.  I feel lost all of a sudden, even though, technically, I’m not quite done with this last class.  I’ll be submitting our final assignment late Friday night, when the week 8 thread is open.  I have two thread postings to do Friday, as that is the earliest we’re allowed to cease the week’s postings.  I’m essentially done with the class and my graduate degree, but I feel lost.

I’ve been thinking about why this might be.  Perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t have those last postings or assignment turned in.  Maybe it’s because I won’t have the grade for a couple weeks or my diploma for about 12 weeks.  Hell.  Maybe it’s because I truly am as chronic as everyone seems to be implying.  I don’t know.  Mostly, I feel like I’ll have to set about redefining my own self view.  No more student/full time employee/mom.  I can enjoy working and being mom, which are challenging enough on their own. 

I think the issue is that I’ve always identified myself as a student, even during those few periods in my adult life when I wasn’t in school for extended periods.  Do I even know how to go about things without that cadence… that rhythm?

Interesting question and one that I’m now facing.

Gradually, I’m sure I’ll let go and move on with things.  I guess I just don’t feel that I’m there yet.  Even weirder, I’m worried that I won’t ever feel the difference, that I’ll continue to live in this odd state of expectation and anticipation.  I’d really rather not, thanks.

I’m ultra tired, even for me, and feeling off isn’t helping things.  I’ve got too much to do at work to be this disconnected and lost.  On that note, I am still loving my job – even the portions that keep me on edge.  I know that next year at this time will be that much better and the year after that will be even better.  This is that long-term home that I’ve been needing to find and here I am, almost 5 months into it, happy with where I am and what I’m doing.  I love my boss.  I have (truly) the best co-workers you could ask for.

Now I’ve got the degree (for the most part) and I can settle down.  I think tomorrow night will be a computer-free night.  And Friday night?  I’m playing video games until that final week is officially open and I can dump off that last assignment.  No more worrying about grades or writing or whining about how I am tired of school.

What a thought.



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