let the library go

Reality hit when I was holding vomiting child last night.  But it had started Monday when I realized being out three afternoons each week was going to really impact my BSU department.  This doesn’t even address studying.  Or working out.  Or helping Bren with his homework.

Reality hit.  I made the tough choice.  I’d rather have given up my full-time position, but that isn’t how life works now.

I was wrong.  I can’t do all of this.  If I do it, something suffers… maybe even multiple things.

I’m a sad woman.  I hate being wrong.  I hate that I put everyone through this.  I hate being sick too.

sacking out and what the hell??

Slept some today.  Bren was low key and miserable looking, but I think he’s getting past it.  Of course, I thought that about Saturday night too and Monday night was hideous.

I’m not entirely sure what the hell is happening with my system.  You’ve got to be kidding me!  I actually had to apologize to Bren tonight.  At least it seems to be clearing up with the baby now.  oy.

ok.  Time for bed.  I’m dead tired.  If I can make it through tonight without projectile anything, I’ll be happy.  And the move?  The list of to-do’s is LONG.  double oy.

tired,
moonfire.

Cosmic jokes

…are not funny.

Although, and keep in mind, this is my seriously “wrong” sense of humor…  the funniest part about last night was Bren sitting up in his bed crying (yeah, bad mommy) and not saying anything to Todd except “Quick!”  Todd lost no time in responding to it and grabbed poor little dude off his bed, got him to the bathroom… just not quick enough.  I woke up, dizzy and sick, to find Bren in bathroom crying and Todd gagging.  From then on, it wasn’t the stuff of humor anymore.  Baby was crying… I wanted to cry… Bren was wailing.

All this at 1:30 in the morning.  Moms should have three arms.  They should also have spare bodies, so when one is sick, the other can take over.  That’s my theory anyway.

I want to go back to sleep, but I need to call the library and talk to Kathy.   I hope she understands.  I hope she will agree to having me start next Monday.  It will get us through whatever the hell this bug is plus moving.  Honestly, if we can make it through this, life will be better.

and no.  I’m not laughing right now.

moonfire.

Two out of four down sick

Brennan once again wins the title for ability to vomit the farthest.  I’m not in the running, yet, although I’ve got that “it’s going to happen any time now” stomach-ache and hot feeling.  Todd’s healthy, for now.  Aidan is just stinky.

We’ve got whatever it is that is cruising through our town right now.  I suggest giving our home a wide containment zone for now.

First day of library job went well, but it kicked my ass physically.  With sick family and move, I’m calling tomorrow to postpone my return and real “start” to next week.  I have to be realistic.  I don’t know how long I’m going to be sick and I’m not going to have them waiting on me daily.  It’s just not right.

Stay healthy, ’cause this sucks.

moonfire.

Another day, more laundry and Meet the Press

My earlybird is up and I’m getting ready to finish off the laundry before continuing packing & studying.  I’m a little tired… the big monkey was up in the middle of the night, sick and vomiting.  Poor guy.  I don’t know what happened, but I know that he’s not going to be very happy with how today is going to be.  It’s no sugar (had plenty at birthday party yesterday) and light foods.

He just wandered out of his bedroom, droopy and very quiet.  I think today will be movies, rest, and some healthy, light snacks.  He’s eating thin slices of apple and actually sounds better than he did last night.  I guess sometimes you just need mom intervention.

The earlybird ate his breakfast, drank his milk, and is pretty much ready to go.  I wish I had his energy….

I read the article that my honey, Electr0hed, posted to his blog.  I agree with the author’s take on Palin’s answers to media questions.  These are simple questions – necessary knowledge for anyone going into an important office in our government.  I’m glad someone besides me noticed that it isn’t even just a case of her parroting the party line…  she really doesn’t say anything of substance.

I won’t go there again, though.

I want to sit back and watch what is happening.  It’s a fascinating thing.

Time for Meet the Press.  I like Tom Brokaw.  His presence and voice soothes me.

OH.  And this ticks me off…  I’m really sick and tired of Republicans & Democrats pointing the finger and blaming.  Who the hell cares??  We are all responsible for where we are as a country.  Let’s all accept responsibility and get to the business of finding solutions for the economy, for the energy crisis, for our over-extended military…

I’m pissed off and I don’t care who is to blame.  I want answers on how to get us out of the situation.  And I’m really tired of having a government that makes us look awful to the rest of the world.  They represent us and if this is how we are, I’m embarrassed.  We could all use a time out and a lesson in basic manners.

That’s it for me.  I’m getting off my teeny soap box and I’m going to go take care of my family and the business of learning.

moonfire.

Saturday Thoughts

I was up early with Aidan, but luckily I got him to mellow out in his bed for a while.  This is effectively “baby snooze”…

Now the kids are up and cartoons are on.  Funny how they have changed so much, and, with cable cartoon channels, it’s not as exciting to get to Saturday morning… but it’s still a fun thing.  Bren will watch them while I organize and start the laundry.

Then it’s packing time.  I need more boxes and a couple bins sure would be nice.  My computing/crafting/sewing area alone needs 4 or 5 boxes.  Then there’s the boys’ room.  oy.  Some of it is already boxed and some of it can be taken over as it is… but there’s a lot to do.

It’s one of those days where I have a ton to do and I’d really love to just slack off.  But it’s not in the cards.  Bren has a birthday party to attend this afternoon. Todd’s taking him out to do the birthday shopping and I’m going to stay here with “monkey butt” so I can get some housework and homework done.  Then we swap duties and I head off to the party with the bigger monkey.  It’ll be a beautiful afternoon, so it’ll be nice to get outside.  It’s just hard because I know I have so much to do here.

And this is a weird thing… I’ve been having a hard time going to bed early each evening.  I just want to stay up.  I think it’s because I don’t want the new day to start, but who knows…  It could just be that I’m too caught up in weird things.

I want to sit down and write out a nice e-letter to my friend, Kimiora, this evening too.  How do you condense what is essentially a lifetime into a letter?  I want to know what she’s been doing all this time too.  I know she’s a botanist – which is very cool!  I know where she lives now and I know she’s an aunt.

I’m still thinking things over.  I’d like to share some of the funny things and definitely the great moments…  but more than anything, I’d like to sit down over a cup of tea and just talk…  Writing is fine.  We all know that I like to write.  It’s just not the way I want to reconnect.  I’d like to hear her stories.  I imagine she has incredible stories to tell.

I suppose this means I need to get things done here – be effective and efficient – take care of work and school.  Then, when a break presents itself, arrange a visit.  That’s what I’d like more than anything.

Minor topic change… Aidan has the washable crayons out.  They’re all over the floor, which isn’t concerning me – yet.  He brought one over to me and was babbling about it.  While he was standing there, his head was tipped down, making his cheeks look fat and round.  The back of his head makes that wonderful curve, his hair curling up slightly where it’s longest near his neck.  I love those lines.  I love the way it’s that ultimately sweet baby-into-boy look that they get when they’re toddlers.

I love that he smiles at me, all gums and little tiny teeth, when I look at him.  I love the way he smells like soap and sugar and just a hint of grubby.  I like the way he looks up at me and I can see his brain working away like mad, but then his daddy comes into the room and it’s all over for mom.  Mom, who?

***

Got interrupted, made breakfast, did a bit of laundry and STILL there’s three baskets to be done.

Todd and Bren are leaving to do the birthday shopping and I’m fighting a headache.  I suppose I should take something to head it off and get on with my day.  I read the story about the woman who could remember EVERY moment of her life, starting at a point in childhood.  Can you imagine?  Every step I’ve take today, remembered in infinite and boring detail?

Boggles my mind.

I have nothing brilliant or stimulating to add to this.  Today my brain has become sludgy and tired.  I know I need to read, need to immerse myself in the information transfer cycle… need to get up on Wimba and put together a great presentation.  It’s the endless list stacked up in front of the homework and studying that is almost overwhelming.  I want to wiggle my nose, Samantha-style, and have all the packing done.  I want to pull a Jeannie and have everything zapped into place…

That reminds me that I only liked one of the “Darrens” on Bewitched… the cute one, not the geeky one.  The cute one always made me smile and I was just a kid.

Weird, what’ll pop into your mind on a Saturday morning.

Well.  That’d be it for now.  I feel the press and tug of all the other things I need to do.  First, though, a cup of coffee.  A little liquid motivation and an excuse to sit for just a few minutes more.

Cheers,
moonfire.

Bedtime and end of the day

We took the kids to the park tonight and had a “picnic.”  Well.  It was Jack in the Box and a blanket.  The kids ran until they were both bleary, which was within an hour since they’d been going all day at school and gramma’s house.

The little one is bordering on fearless.  I don’t know how he does it.  Even Bren had a sense of self-preservation at a young age.

Anyway, it was one of those days where it felt like an uphill battle just to get things done.  I don’t know if it’s the moon or something else.  It was just a strange day.

But I’m tired now and really don’t feel all that verbal.  I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers up and exit consciousness for a good 8 hours or more.

Goodbye Thursday.  It was interesting.  Now I can get ready for Friday, a much better prospect…

moonfire

22 years…

The last time I saw my friend, Kimiora, was approximately 22 years ago.

I found her on Facebook today.

I cannot describe this.  I want to.  I want to find the words to say what I’m feeling right now, but they just won’t come.

There are so many memories… so many images that I associate with her.  My brain is in overload right now.  I may have to attempt this later, when the shock of it wears away and I can function again.

It is strange to think of how young we were back then.  I think the last time I saw her I was 16 or 17.  Here I am, 39 – almost 40 – and so much life has passed.

It is one of those things, though, that you simply cannot make a casual comment about and walk off.

What an amazing day…

moonfire

quick, and then it’s back to work

I had a hard time finding clothes to wear for work.  It’s a combination of my weight and inappropriate shoes, given that I have to walk everywhere. 

As I write that, it looks weird to me…  Wouldn’t you think that walking everywhere would do something about the weight issue?  Well, apparently not.  I’ll have to deal with it since we’re now getting into colder weather and I can’t keep wearing sandals to work, even if they are really comfortable and wonderful to walk in.

I had no luck finding replacements for my favorite boots last year, so I don’t know why I think I’ll have a better time of it this year.  Todd was picking on me about my favorite boots this morning.  They are a low-heeled, square-toed black boot with laces on the front and a zipper on the inner ankle.  They are fantastic (or rather, WERE fantastic) to walk in, plus they look good with jeans or dressy slacks.

Crap.  I’m old.  I just used the word “slacks.”

I freaking hate that word.  Even worse, I hate wearing anything that would fall under that term…  I’m a jeans girl, through and through.  Denim is tough, holds up well against sticky fingers, lunch-time oopses, and the mommy weight.

Dressy materials tends to give out unless you have the right undergarments and, let’s face it, who wants to wear something that unattractive.

Even chinos beat the crap out of a polyester (why the hell are they always made out of polyester??) blend…

And I believe that chinos were specifically designed to make you look like a nerd.  Although, and this is a big one, Banana Republic makes awesome chinos… if you’re a twig and weigh 100 lbs.  I’ve yet to find something wonderful in my present size, which appears to be a 16 and it should be noted that I’m only a 16 in some areas… My body can’t decide what it wants to be.

I know that I’d like it to be a 10 or less…  so yeah, time to stop the gradual increasing of my body-size.  I suspect that my body just likes to keep padding itself.  That’s my theory, anyway.

Where was I headed with this?  Oh yeah.  I brought workout clothes and I’m going to go to the gym today to lift weights.  I’ll be getting a lot of walking in, but I need something extra to get my body started on a different path.  I promise to drink my water, eat my hot oatmeal (with whole grains and flaxseeds), and I promise to lift weights for 20 minutes today.

On the car issue, the “Bankof Mum” is helping us to deal with the immediate need and then that puppy is going to be listed for sale as soon as it’s up and running.  I’ll pay her back, pay down the auto loan, and get it off our insurance.  The paperweight with wheels will be in the hands of someone who needs her and all will be well.

That’s my theory and I’m sticking with it.

After all is said and done, I hope to decrease our monthly expenses by at least $40-50.  It’d be nice if it could be more, but I’ll take what I can get…

Hmm.  Well, I suppose I’m done for today.  I’ve got orders to make, files to put together and a spreadsheet to address… and that’s before I head out to Bren’s school to volunteer.  Then it’s back here for more financial review.

Busy day.  But I like busy.  Keeps me out of trouble.

moonfire

just shoot me now, ok?

I could cry, but that would be pointless.  Little car is at the shop so it can be fixed so we can sell it.

$1385 quote because the timing belt broke while Todd was driving on the freeway, causing the valves to get bent because of the dumb-ass design of the engine.

Kelley Blue Book puts it at $2900.  I see comparable cars selling in our area for $2500+, so once it’s fixed, it should be saleable and not for less than it’ll cost to fix it.  Can’t sell it unless it’s fixed. 

Oh yeah.  And it’s on a loan with our van, so I have to get financing company to let us refinance van alone.

Somehow I have to make all this work because right now it’s a financial drain on us since it’s a “paperweight” with wheels… we’re paying insurance on it, but we can’t use it.

It’ll be at the shop until approximately Friday.  The car repair guy is really nice and knows we’re just fixing it to sell it.  He’s sympathetic, probably since I was laughing borderline maniacally on the phone.  I wonder how much blood I can sell in a month?

So I’m taking a bunch of paperwork to our financial aid office this afternoon and I will attempt to not cry as I hand it in, pitifully asking for more financial aid.  I’m copying our medical bills from this summer too.  They might as well see the whole picture.

The saddest thing about all this is it’s a good little car.  It’s zippy to drive and when it’s running, it’s fun.  It gets good gas mileage (again, this is when the damn thing will go) and it’s held value surprisingly well considering I call it the “tin can.”

If it weren’t for the fact that it’s a two-door and not even close to appropriate for a family of 4 with a fluff-ball dog….  we’d keep it and we’d sell the minivan.  I wish we were in a position to sell both of them and get some smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicle, but that would be too much money.  I do think it’s nice that we’ve learned how to get by with one car.  Yes, it’s sometimes inconvenient, but we’re learning.  If a true emergency came up there are taxis, buses, and plain old begging for a ride from gramma…

There is also foot-power and, if I can get my bike tuned up, a great bike…

I just feel a bit beaten down about this situation though.  In the long run we’ll be better off if we sell it…  If I do get it fixed and I DON’T sell it, we are going to be in a big, huge world of hurt budget-wise.  That scares the crap out of me. 

I told the lady at our auto financing company that we HAVE to get it sold.  This means we have to get this car off the loan.  There isn’t any option here.  Otherwise, I have to find $1500 and I can’t afford another loan.

I think I’m going to go curl up in the corner and sniffle. 

Oh yeah.  I also forgot the power cord for my laptop in Portland.  A very sweet friend and fellow-cohort member is mailing it to me.

Can I hibernate for two years and come out again when my degree is done?  I’m sure some day I’ll laugh about all of this.  I’m not laughing right now.

blech.

moonfire.