My back is killing me and other Saturday morning thoughts

My back isn’t happy today.  That’s lovely, considering I need to do housework and mow the lawn.  I also managed to twist my ankle last night, but so far it only hurts when I turn my foot one direction.  Yeah… what a great start to the weekend.  I spent so much of yesterday looking forward to the weekend that I almost wish I could go back to that last hour when Saturday and Sunday were stretching ahead of me, with tons of possibility.

Instead, I’m sitting here with the aches that happen when you don’t take care of yourself (or the aches that result in wearing shoes that don’t work well for you)…

I went to bed at a reasonable time last night, but ended up being woken up at various points in the evening.  One of the wakings was for a good cause though – Todd & Bren went to see Stomp last night and had a great time.  That’s the fulfillment of a years long dream to get Bren to see it.  Todd & I saw it back when Bren was about 18 – 24 months old (too young to sit still for a big production) and we knew then that he’d think it was amazing.

Todd told me that Bren was dancing and clapping and stomping his feet.  Success, in my book.

I did manage to sleep in until about 6am.  I suppose this is a miracle for a number of reasons…  not the least of which is the sound of the freight train next to me.  Someone really needs anti-snoring strips.  Or a good allergy medication.  Good grief!

To be honest, that’s it…  that’s all I’ve got right now and I know it isn’t much.  I’ve got some major testiness brewing and it’s one of those situations where I can’t do much about it.  As is usually the case, I’ll do housework and see if I can’t wear it off.  Sleep helped, but only so much.  Luckily, the week has exhausted me so much that I didn’t lie in bed running through it over and over in my head.  At least, not too many times.

I’d start working on things now but I don’t want to wake up the baby just yet.  A little peace and quiet on my own is needed.  The busy day really should start a little later, as once it gets going it’ll be a straight shot through to bed time.

Wish me luck in not turning into a complete bitch today.  It’s going to be my challenge.

grumpy and sore,
moonfire.

Why do I read these things??

I won’t go into to details, as I don’t think I need to sit at my desk for the rest of the work day crying about it… but I wonder why I read these stories about children who are killed or hurt.  It’s awful.  All I can feel when I read them is how I would feel and how the parents must feel.

It’s not that I deliberately seek them out.  I don’t.  I avoid them where I can, because they impact me so much.  In this instance though, one of our graduate students had it happen to her family. 

If I could have one wish come true from all of my time alive, it would be that I pass before my children do.  That’s it.  I don’t need anything else – except please let me keep them safe as long as I’m on this planet.

I know. 

I can only do my best and let them live life fully.

Time to stop writing.  I need to distract myself from thinking about this too much. 

keep yourselves and your little ones safe,
moonfire.

It’s a crazy, crazy world

I’m sending out a big thank you to Steph for answering my worried call for comments.  And yes, Steph, you were right:  my gut was telling me one thing and my worries were stemming from that.  Ultimately, I haven’t given up on my dream, but I did tank those classes.  It had to be done by today so I didn’t lose even more money on it than I had and I feel satisfied with that decision.

Here is the reason I am satisfied with the decision, even as I’m bummed that I won’t be getting that “toe” in the door.  Those classes wouldn’t count towards my graduate degree as no schools in Idaho are ALA certified.  Sad, but there it is.  I was doing them strictly so I could get into an entry level library assistant position with the state and begin accruing years of actual experience.  The state did a refactoring on the three levels of the library assistantship:  Library Assistant 1, Library Assistant 2, and Library Assistant 3.  They dropped each a paygrade under the new system, but in true dollars sense the hit was higher.  Instead of starting the LA1 at $11.24 under the current level, the drop reduced it to starting at $9.77 per hour.

That is a significant and substantial change.  It is one that completely impacted my plans as I was in the same pay level as the LA1 until this change happened.  What could have been a lateral transfer changed to a substantial demotion.

And this is for a position that requires special knowledge.

It blows my mind.  It also created a situation where I had to seriously look at the environment here in our state, as well as the path I was constructing for myself. 

Todd and I ended up talking about everything to do with our futures and our potential careers.  We very much agree about some essential mind-shifts that are necessary for us.  And I suppose this leads me to where I am this morning…  I started out yesterday morning in a certain place, with certain expectations about the future.  Along came these changes in the environment and all of a sudden we both began to look at options that we would never have considered before.  Self-imposed limitations suddenly don’t seem so important.

It’s a fresh new look at the world and all it took was a bit of a “cosmic nudge” to open up the possibilities.

And that leads me to my final thought before I get back to work.  Things DO happen for a reason.  We wouldn’t be in the incredibly open position we are now if things hadn’t fallen together like this.  The loss of the house, the ending of a friendship, this evaporation of job possibilities (for both me and Todd)…  all these things have combined together to free us.  If any one of these hadn’t happened, it is likely we wouldn’t have been able to see all these alternate potential paths.

That is an amazing thing.  It released a few of the emotional shackles I’d been holding on to.  Everything comes out as it should. 

It’s worth a smile.

Having a lighter heart,
moonfire.

Dilemma, comments anyone?

Here’s the problem…  the state government just announced that it refactored several positions, including the library assistant position that I was going to try to do a lateral move to after I completed two distance courses this summer.  I’m spending a bit of money to do the classes and I have through to tomorrow to drop them (less the registration fees totalling $50 and the books that I bought for the classes).

Now, with the refactoring I’d be taking over a $2.50/hour pay cut in order to get into the entry level position that would start gaining me experience in my field.  In all of the job postings that I saw for librarians the MLS degree was required PLUS years of experience – usually 2-4.

My dilemma is this:  Do I take the heavy hours this summer and complete the two courses so I’m qualified to take a massive pay cut, or do I drop the courses now and recoup the majority of my money but leave myself still working outside the field.  After this first year of my master’s coursework I’d be qualified for the entry level but probably not the second level (which is now the equivalent of what I’m making now as an admin assistant…. does this seem wrong??).

I’m stumped.  I want to get my foot in the door and start getting experience, but the cost is huge.  Or do I view it as “paid” internship credit of the non-college kind so that I can begin to accrue those years of work experience I so desperately need.

This is unreal.  $1200 for books and 8 credit hours of classes that don’t count towards my graduate degree so I can make $9.77/hour.

What kind of deal is that???

Thoughts?  Rants?  Please share.  I’m at a loss.

off we go and a birthday wish for my youngest

My youngest turned a year old on May 3rd. His first year has been stressful and chaotic, so here’s my birthday wish for him (a bit belated)…

I hope you have a lovely second year, filled with all of us who love you. I hope you keep growing big and strong, with that sweet smile and great sense of humor. I’ll help you learn how to kick a ball, how to walk a few steps and how to tickle your big brother. I promise that your daddy and I will take good care of you and love you, and the same goes for your grandparents – even Brennan Rory, although he might be a bit rough sometimes.

Happy start to your second year sweet baby boy.

And off we go, traveling to see my family. I’m excited, even as I sit here, exhausted and hot from packing in a non-air conditioned house (it is being installed Wednesday!)… Tomorrow will come fast enough. We don’t get to see my nana and I wonder if I’ll ever see her again, but we will see my Uncle – the one Aidan Gene is carrying on tradition with (it traces from Alger Eugene to Ross Gene to my sweet baby).

We’ll see my little cousin and I’m curious to see how Bren and Tess get along. Oooh, two of them… It should be interesting.

Well that’s it really. My boys are all asleep and now I’m headed there too. Time for rest.

Cheers and happy travels to those who are on the move,
moonfire.

A fantastic post about aging and a little sad news

http://johnhealdsblog.com/2008/05/15/a-feeling-old-blog/

Oh please, please, please!  Check out this man’s blog!  I am adding him to my blogroll because I truly love his wry humor and fun turn of phrase.  And his bits about Carnival Cruiselines kind of tickles me as I have their rewards card and I’m hoping to save up enough points to take me and my mum on a cruise before we’re too old to enjoy it.

So.  I am sad.  My world is going to lose some color in June.  My dear, dear huggy friend is moving to North Carolina.  Even worse?  She’s moving there just as my little sister is moving away (first research in Japan and then permanent resettling back in Canada).  Life is unfair.  I know it’s only for a few years, but that’s approximately a few years minus a few weeks too long.  It’s for the best, enabling her family to be together and offering a great school for her girls. 

I want to cry but I’m holding back.  I’m afraid if I start crying about it, I won’t stop so I can be “supportive” and “cheery” for her.

Instead, I keep thinking about how I’ll need to be creative in order to find ways to visit, that we’ll spend lots of time on the ‘net, and how we’ll have to be better about taking pictures so we can send them to our friends.  But there’s one other sad bit to this…  Her girls are my son’s best little buddies.  Valerie (her oldest) is my oldest son’s favorite girl, and this is saying something as he seems to be going into the “boys only” phase.  Even though they are both starting to grow out of the little kid friendship that started two years ago (omg, how time zooms past), there is a special bond there.  And he has chosen to extend it to “Bug”, the littler girl, too.

I know he’ll be moving on with kindergarten this fall and it will all fade, but I can’t imagine what it will be like when he says goodbye next month.  And here I go, finally, those tears are falling.

We’ve only been friends for two years (as of the end of July – what a significant month that always seems to be for me).  It feels like I’ve known her forever.  We bicker.  We don’t always agree.  We sympathize.  We cry on each other’s shoulders and we laugh at our own follies.  She has been here, with me, through some major life-changing times, offering advice, love and support.

And I know it isn’t forever.  I know that I will be horribly swamped with work, school and family this fall.  My degree will take me through the couple years that she is away.  We’ll do our best to travel to see them and I know they’ll be back here for visits too.

But we won’t be able to drop over for barbecue and spontaneous kids sleep-overs.  We won’t be sitting together, sewing something, watching a movie, or just bitching about life/men/kids in general. 

I’m happy for their family.  I know it will be the best thing. 

But I think I’ll let myself be sad.  It’s ok.

It’s not forever.

Soggy cheers from the land of chaos,
moonfire.

Another bad night and the mom worries

My little one had such a high temp at 3am that I was seriously worried.  I’ve never been this worried with him.  It’s down now and he’s being Mr. Happy and Cheerful, especially where the dog is concerned, but him feeling good now didn’t help me back at 3am.

I was holding him, giving him a bottle of chilled juice and some infants Tylenol.  He was so hot that it was uncomfortable for me to touch him.  I can only imagine how much he was hurting. 

And my oldest was coughing off and on for most of the night, this body crunching rough cough that twisted his chest muscles tight.  It hurt to listen to it and it hurt that I couldn’t make it go away.  Finally, about midnight, I checked him and he was cool and clammy.  His temperature had finally broken after 3 days. 

I had both in to the doctor’s office, the oldest two days ago and the little one, yesterday.  And still I found myself really scared last night.  I’m not like that, either.  I don’t scared like this…  but it was 3am and I was overtired since sleep has been hard-fought to get lately.  Bren’s coughing at night… the little one crying because the coughing has woken him up and then his own battle with this nasty virus. 

I can feel my immune system gearing up for a fight.  The energy is being drawn down in other peripheral systems…  such as my mental faculty.  Nice.  I’m upright and awake, only just barely, but I can’t think at all.  Writing this is an exercise in determination. 

One final little thought.  Sunday is my 39th birthday.  Some very lovely gents in my office today said I look like the kid of one of the students here at the university.  In other words, I’m dressed like a kid today and I don’t look like my age.  Nice!!  Made me smile.

Ok.  I’m fading and need to appear productive, for myself, if for no one else.

Cheers (and snoozes),
moonfire.

oh crap this hurts

It was a bad night in our household.  The boys are fighting something… allergies?  a cold?  I don’t know.  It started coming on this week and has just built up into something yucky.  Oldest kept waking up crying because he couldn’t breathe and he wouldn’t say anything about why he was crying, but it went on and on for a good while.  Youngest screamed (not cried) for almost 2 hours straight.  Second bottle went in and I rubbed his back.  He finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion, which then my honey and I did too.  Unfortunately, I had to get up early for work and baby woke up, so all of us are wiped out and grumpy.

I personally feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.  My eyes are dry and my thoughts processes are fuzzy and disconnected.  It’s hard to focus on anything, but my day is stretching out before me, long and busy.  Not all of it is work, either.  I’m leaving here at 12:45 to go drive my dear huggy friend to the specialist, then get her home, then drive to my place (hopefully early enough to take a short nap), and then dinner with my brother, Maxx.

And yes, he’s my brother.  Not blood…  not marriage…  Hard to explain, but that’s how it is.  Oh, and his name is really Richard, but he made the unfortunate mistake of introducing himself as Maxx way, way back when my mother “made” him be part of the family (she hijacked his bottle of wine – long story).

Anyway, Maxx is in town and my family and I are going to have dinner with him.  He’s surprisingly back in the US and I need to know what’s going on.  Let’s just say that Mother Shan is coming out.  I thought he’d be settling more permanently in Cambodia or some other beautiful country.  Instead, he’s back.  It’s a mystery. 

I’m sitting here, staring at the screen and the only thing that makes sense right now is watching the words slip out of my brain, through the keyboard and on to the screen.  Everything else is too painful.  Not just fogginess either, but an actual headache. 

Just ran out of steam.  Even typing is too hard.  Please sweet little boys…. let mummy and daddy sleep tonight.

moonfire

Sometimes you just have to make the first step

This one will be quick, as I need to get quite a bit done at work today.  I enrolled in two distance classes (undergraduate, as the University of Idaho classes aren’t ALA-accredited so there’s no sense in paying more for graduate level classes that won’t count towards my degree).  I’m taking Cataloging and Classification, as well as Organization and Management of Small Libraries.

By taking these two classes, I’ll have the necessary qualifications – at least from an education stand-point, to apply for the entry-level library assistant positions with our state and local libraries.  Rather than moving on to a position where I know my time will be limited, I’m getting a bit of coursework out of the way that will help my move in to my field.  It’s exciting. 

The interesting part about making this step is that it is really the first in many that I’ll take as I move forward with what I love to call my “first real career.”  I’ve spent so many years doing secretarial/clerical support, just waiting for the “real jobs” that I’ve never really felt like a full-grown adult.  I know that sounds stupid, but it’s how I’ve felt.  There are folks out there who do what I’m doing right now and it’s a career for them – they might love it, hate it, or feel indifferent, but they still feel like it’s ok. 

I’ve just never managed to get to that point. 

As further explanation… I was reading through the materials I’ll have to cover for the Cataloging and Classification class and I was getting excited.  This is anal-retentive stuff to the Nth degree.  It’s perfect for me.  And I’m not kidding about that either!!

It’s weird, though, to be sitting here and knowing that today, at some point, I’ll begin the studying I need so I can stop all the waiting.  No more thinking about “a year from now” or ” a few months from now…”  The future is beginning today.  I realized this morning that signing up for these classes yesterday was that turning point.  I will be able to look back on May 7th, 2008 (a dear friend’s birthday, by the way) and I will remember it as the day that I stopped waiting.

What a great feeling!

Ok.  Back to work.  Lot’s to do.  Luckily for me it’s dead in here for the summer.  I forsee some studying in my near future!!

Cheers (with a HUGE grin),
moonfire.

I am NOT alone!

I’ve been up since about 4 or 4:30.  Although it’s hard to say exactly when I woke up, I think it’s in that ballpark.  I can say that with a high degree of accuracy since I finally decided to give up attempting to sleep at about 4:50am.

Todd had just gotten into bed. We both tossed and turned for a while and finally, I couldn’t help myself, I said, “are you awake too?” Yep, he was. We are both screwed today. I must say that I got close to 7 hours, which is freaking amazing and even with being awake at 4am that would be considered sleeping in from yesterday.

And our friends wonder why we have no sex life. I suspect sex takes proximity. It’s been long enough that all I have left are theories. I told him that I think I am halfway back to being a virgin and that I think I’ve forgotten how. He answered back that it’s like riding a bike. Um. No it’s not. And that’s what I told him. Of course he said it was for him and then pondered the thought that he must think about riding his bike when we’re having sex.

Seriously, do my friends even NEED to question why we’re not getting any these days???

But I didn’t mean to digress into a frank discussion of our non-existent sex life. Rather, I intended to announce the addition of several amazing blogs that I found after I finally gave up attempting to sleep in. I stumbled across one called “Adventures in Baby Fat,” the title of which attracted me because, HELLO!, I’m currently living that. (I love my youngest, but did I have to put on so much weight with him???)

Through Baby Fat I found Miss Ann Thrope, one thing I HATE about today, and Clusterfook. These are women with saucy mouths, telling it like it is and sharing their worlds. I LOVE them! So my blogging addiction is expanding. I figure it this way – if I’m going to be sleepless in the early am hours, I might as well have some good company along the way.

It’s also motivating me to get off my ass and keep writing. It’s sure cheaper than going to a shrink.

Oh yeah, for the record Todd is still up. He fell asleep in the living room for a while in the middle of the night, but he’s probably only had a couple hours sleep and now he’s puttering in the kitchen. The kids will be up in the next hour and I have to get in the shower so I can make it to work. He’s going to be in hell today. So take a moment to feel bad for him. I know I am.

And if I haven’t mentioned it before, my dear honey is Electr0hed on my blog roll. Check out his page. Sure he’s a tech-head and music geek, but his writing is still great and he’ll keep you entertained.

I guess I should get myself moving and try to act like I’m enthusiastic about work… The truth of it is that I’m not (gee, who could have guessed that from my recent blogs). Things have settled down, although I never did get an apology for the way I was treated, but I’m not shocked about that one. Manners are often forgotten in the work place. I’ve put in a few applications for “registers” in the state system where I work. This involves taking weird little timed tests for scores that rank the applicants. On the technical records specialist 1 test, for instance, I got a 90%. On the more advanced TRS2 test I got a 94%. I like analysis and it was heavy on that, so I did well.

That’s exactly how weird and boring my life is.

Oh. I was asked in that interview about what stresses me out. I couldn’t help it, I said, “Well, my kids and my husband…” then I got into the things that can stress me out at work. I had a rapport with the two women interviewing me, so my answer wasn’t as flippant as it sounds, but I’ll tell you… there is more than a kernel of truth to it. The fact is that work can be a lot easier to deal with if everything’s smooth at home, BUT, and let’s be honest here… when the hell are things ever SMOOTH at home? We’ve had pink eye work it’s way through the kids TWICE in the last couple of weeks, as well as vomiting in the van, more phlegm and snot than I thought could even be produced by small 42 lb and 22 lb bodies…

Smooth ended back in 2002 and then it got even more interesting in May 2007. And with it went my flat tummy.

Still, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We may be weird and our friends may wonder about us sometimes, but we’re doing just fine. When finals are done in two weeks, we’ll be doing better than fine.

So here’s to all the crazed, dead-tired, opinionated and feisty women out there – moms or not – writing, talking and telling it like it is.

Cheers,
moonfire