Thanks

Exciting week… a lot of work, combined with moments where I freak out because it flickers through my head, “Did I get in over my head?”

Nice people.  Crazy messes.  But it’s not a culture issue.  When I learn and get things under control, it will be amazing.

Too tired to write more.

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So very stressed.

My jaw hurts. My chest hurts. I’m exhausted (don’t say it, I know that’s my standard condition).

My honey has a countdown going for me. Four more days until I’m done. Tonight I have to remind myself, perhaps multiple times, that I can’t accomplish everything in just a few short days. This is the reality. I’ll do what I can. The rest is up to the department.

But it’s so hard. My classes are suffering. I’m disengaged because there is too much happening in my work life. I can’t have this happening, though. I can’t afford to blow these classes. And it’s week 3 out of the 7 weeks that are actual class time, then it’s time for finals and I’m done.

So Saturday is Bren’s next chess tournament. I’m going to use much of the time to study and work on my research project(s). Tomorrow is Friday and thankfully, I can get some reading done in the evening. Right now, I’m simply too tired.

I find that I don’t want to go to bed at night because I don’t want to go back to the office. Once I go to sleep, everything is on fast forward and I find myself there again. I’ve never been like this. I’m usually an early to bed person so I can get as much sleep as possible. It’s a distressing change from my usual.

I was obnoxious at work today – not intentionally. Tomorrow I will mellow out. I care about my co-workers, so being crummy is a very bad thing. I think I owe at least one of them coffee to apologize.

I’m going to learn as much as I can from Bren, my oldest. I think he sees the world in a mostly positive way. I’ll join him in that perspective!

****

I can hardly wait to join my new team. I’m ready, even if I am a bit nervous. I look around at the chaos in our home and I wonder what the impact of the reduced stress will do for us. Will I be less exhausted at the end of the day, or do I only know how to go full bore? Will I be excited for my family time, since school will soon (relative) be a thing of the past?

What WILL I do with the free time?

Time for bed. The pain in my jaw will subside. The tension headache will ease. I will snuggle under the blankets and curl into my pillow.

And the day will disappear.

moonfire

Sunday evening blahs

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. For the next 8 business days I will be in a world of hell. Yes, I know this is not the way to look at it and the power of positive thinking, etc., etc. Still, I know what is coming, including having to do a Tuesday morning training that is making my teeth grind together in unwelcome anticipation. The regular stress is going to be compounded by the “Oh my god, I have to get this and this and this done” stress. Training the new guy… transitioning duties… wrapping up things for students that have been waiting.

The thought of it all both makes me want to stay up and prolong Sunday as long as possible, as well as hurry up and go to sleep so I can be through the insanity as quickly as possible. I’m tired and I haven’t even started into the week. I’m also dreading what this will do to me with my studies. Week 3 of classes started today. Scary, when I think that class really only goes through week 7, then it’s time for finals. Technically I’ve got 4 weeks of class left and I haven’t even really gotten into the material. I’ve determined my research topic for one class and I’ve made a bit of progress in my other, although I can’t say for sure since the directions for the course project are a bit iffy.

My one prof offered telephone calls to review the course project or discuss the material. I can honestly say there is no way I’ve got time to schedule the call during reasonable hours and even if I did, my hearing is so poor it’d be almost pointless.

I have to keep reminding myself that a B is sufficient to get through my degree. I’d prefer to do better than that, but I also have to be realistic at this point. The next 2-3 weeks of work will be a strain on my already strained personal energy resources. I simply have to endure it and get through, no matter what happens. If I’m lucky, the prof in my one iffy class will be generous. If I’m not lucky, then I’d better be spectacular on the final!

The time change is certainly a lucky break, though. I’m counting my blessings where that is concerned. My body was already attempting the shift on its own, so this does make things easier. I suppose I should head off to bed for some reading time and then a system shutdown for sleep.

I have to remind myself that it’s only a few more weeks and then both these classes are done, giving me winter break and relief from the pressure. I will TRY not to snap this next week. I will hang in there and remember that the end is just around the corner for first one, then the other stressor.

After that, it’s all relatively smooth sailing through the new job and the end of the degree. That’s the theory I’m going to use, at least until I get new inputs. What a long, long haul. I can’t fade now, not when the finish line is so damned close!

I don’t have anything positive to offer myself with respect to how the next 8 business days will go. It was hideous the week before my vacation. It will be hideous during the remainder of my tenure with the department. It’s not a reflection on the actual job itself, rather its a reflection on what really needs to be accomplished before I’m gone. Will I have to let some of it go? It’s likely. I’ll do my best and the rest will be up to those who remain.

Signing off for a bit of studying before sacking out,
moonfire

A slow day in the household

I’ve thought about writing several times over the last couple of days, but I slid into a little bit of fatigue and didn’t get much done, either writing-wise or even housework-wise.  I’ve tried to decide if this is a bad thing, given that I’ve been working really hard for the last couple of months.  Is it ok to take some time off and slack a bit?  Maybe.  Alternatively, the guilt I feel when I’m not productive is overwhelming and I can feel that urge starting… a bit of stress over the rapidly decreasing days available before I return to the grind at my office.  It’s even worse for me right now because the new classes started and I have the major transition waiting for me once I’m back.  I’ve got the new guy to train and old work to finish up before I walk out at the end of the day on the 16th.  I think I need to be very thankful that it won’t be a prolonged transition.  I’m tired already.  I long, painful transition would be a misery.

I’m heading off to my psyc appointment this evening and the transition to the new position will likely be a big topic.  I’ve poked around (mentally speaking) and I’m firmly of the opinion that I’ll need help to make this major mental shift.  I’ve spent the majority of my working/education years waiting and trying to get to that “goal.”  Here I am, 42 years old, and I’ve only just reached the goal after years and years of work.  That mental context has always been “forward thinking” – anticipating, planning, and never really living in the moment.  Suddenly, at least in terms of the last 7-10 years, I’ve reached those goals.  For all intents and purposes, I’m at the end of my degree program and the finish line is just a few short classes away.  I’ve been hired in the job that serves as a culmination of years of work and study to achieve.

And the work is just beginning.  From here going forward it’s about the day to day work… being static and settling in with this wonderful team of intelligent, motivated people.  It’s about doing the work and keeping on doing the work.  This is the long-term, professional position I had hoped for with financial aid, but have found with the group where I last worked.

I’ve heard that phrase, “Be careful what you wish for.”  Well, I wished for the finish line where I no longer kept waiting.  But I’ve spent all this time learning how to live like that.  Now I have to learn how to live in this moment.  It’s like dating for years and years, then suddenly getting married and wondering how to change that attitude!  I’ve “dated” a lot of positions and jobs, but never once have I had a career.  Here I am on the verge of that permanent commitment.  What a feeling!

It’s an odd thing, to realize that I’ve developed one mindset after all this time and now I have to start fresh and develop a new one.  I’m an old dog who now has to learn a new trick.  I’m creaky and rusty from the past.

****

Took a break from writing this to help Bren with his homework and to go to the doc appointment, but now I’m back and have lost the train of thought.  More “old dog” issues??

I think the week has caught up with me and now I’m tired enough to fall over.  Perhaps tomorrow I’ll be in better shape and can continue the thought…

Time for bed and some much needed rest,
moonfire