I’ve thought about writing several times over the last couple of days, but I slid into a little bit of fatigue and didn’t get much done, either writing-wise or even housework-wise. I’ve tried to decide if this is a bad thing, given that I’ve been working really hard for the last couple of months. Is it ok to take some time off and slack a bit? Maybe. Alternatively, the guilt I feel when I’m not productive is overwhelming and I can feel that urge starting… a bit of stress over the rapidly decreasing days available before I return to the grind at my office. It’s even worse for me right now because the new classes started and I have the major transition waiting for me once I’m back. I’ve got the new guy to train and old work to finish up before I walk out at the end of the day on the 16th. I think I need to be very thankful that it won’t be a prolonged transition. I’m tired already. I long, painful transition would be a misery.
I’m heading off to my psyc appointment this evening and the transition to the new position will likely be a big topic. I’ve poked around (mentally speaking) and I’m firmly of the opinion that I’ll need help to make this major mental shift. I’ve spent the majority of my working/education years waiting and trying to get to that “goal.” Here I am, 42 years old, and I’ve only just reached the goal after years and years of work. That mental context has always been “forward thinking” – anticipating, planning, and never really living in the moment. Suddenly, at least in terms of the last 7-10 years, I’ve reached those goals. For all intents and purposes, I’m at the end of my degree program and the finish line is just a few short classes away. I’ve been hired in the job that serves as a culmination of years of work and study to achieve.
And the work is just beginning. From here going forward it’s about the day to day work… being static and settling in with this wonderful team of intelligent, motivated people. It’s about doing the work and keeping on doing the work. This is the long-term, professional position I had hoped for with financial aid, but have found with the group where I last worked.
I’ve heard that phrase, “Be careful what you wish for.” Well, I wished for the finish line where I no longer kept waiting. But I’ve spent all this time learning how to live like that. Now I have to learn how to live in this moment. It’s like dating for years and years, then suddenly getting married and wondering how to change that attitude! I’ve “dated” a lot of positions and jobs, but never once have I had a career. Here I am on the verge of that permanent commitment. What a feeling!
It’s an odd thing, to realize that I’ve developed one mindset after all this time and now I have to start fresh and develop a new one. I’m an old dog who now has to learn a new trick. I’m creaky and rusty from the past.
Took a break from writing this to help Bren with his homework and to go to the doc appointment, but now I’m back and have lost the train of thought. More “old dog” issues??
I think the week has caught up with me and now I’m tired enough to fall over. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll be in better shape and can continue the thought…
Time for bed and some much needed rest,