Where do we go from here?

First, a caveat about this posting:  My job is fine and school is going well.  My boys are both doing fine.

I’m trying to talk myself into acceptance of some things.  The discussion is going along the lines of “Let go of this unhappiness…  Just move forward and accept the way things are.”  But it’s hard.  Maybe it would be easier if I weren’t so tired.  Maybe most of it wouldn’t matter if I weren’t so tired. 

I do know that I’m promising myself to try, to give it every last bit of energy I can drum up, because I don’t like where the alternative could take me.

My disappointment is almost overwhelming me.  It is becoming pervasive and I know that everything depends on me turning around the endless self-talk.  I was going to work on it tonight, but the demands of work and school took priority.  In restrospect, maybe that was a mistake.  If I’d taken a little bit of action tonight, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here, ready to cry out of frustration.

I’ve got a little list in my pocket that I’d intended to use tonight.  I am making this promise to myself, right now, that I will pull it out tomorrow after work and make use of it.  No grumbling.  No negative conversations with myself.  I was careful and put down one item for tomorrow night.  I might have to expand it to two because tonight turned into a failure.  I can recover from this evening’s set back, though, and move on tomorrow.

***

In other news (after that intentionally vague ramble), I see my GYN tomorrow.  Cumulative frustration and fatigue have left me with no fire to even advocate for myself.  I’ll talk to her plainly, accept what she has to say and let that one go too.  I’ve got the name/number of an endocrinologist and I’ll deal with that once tomorrow is past, at least if it’s apparent things are going to be business as usual.

***

I understand why depression happens.  It could be considered to be the outer fringes of frustration combined with fatigue and a sense that nothing ever really changes, until it does finally change.  I’ve been thinking that things would get better, that perhaps age would make a difference.  I was wrong.  I can either choose to accept this or I can make some really awful choices that could create a lifetime of regrets.

Way back when, a promise was made and I’m going to stand by that promise.  I haven’t always done a good job with that, but I’ll do it now.  This is MY conscious decision to stand by that promise, even though it’s tough.  And I’m choosing to do it while learning to let go of the resentment.  Some damage has already been done, so now it’s time to undo it, even though I get to feel the cost of it.  With a little practice, the cost won’t feel like it’s that much.

That’s my theory.

moonfire signing out

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Round 2 and then?

Initial bloodwork came back at outer fringes of normal range, so it’s on to round 2 and a trip to GYN office to discuss freakish hormones.  I was smart in the past and got a copy of my full medical record from them, so I was able to review my hormone levels before.  I have a better idea of why my then gyn (that I loved) diagnosed hypothyroid.  Based on the numbers, I’m surprised that they didn’t diagnose PCOS then.  LH/FSH haven’t been tested since that time and I’m curious about why. 

I’m also looking at the possibility of a consult with an endocrinologist.  I want to be sure about what is going on before just jumping into treatment.  I know it is pessimistic, but my suspicion is that I’m still not going to be heard on Wed when I see my nurse practitioner at the gyn office. 

At the very least, kidney function is coming up as good.  That is one worry that I really didn’t need. 

Face and eyes are still puffy, but not as bad.  My cycle is messed up and I feel like hell.  Finally bit the dust the afternoon and had to lie down.  I was wiped out, which appears to be par for the course. 

Here’s the dilemma:  My frustration level is rising and I sense more and more that I’m not going to be heard.  I suspect that they will pawn it off on depression, however, and this is key, I haven’t been having problems with depression.  Frustration… stress…  horrible fatigue… weight gain… acne… weird hair growth… and a host of other physiological symptoms, but my mood is mostly tied to the frustration and fatigue, rather than random mood swings.  I feel crappy and I can feel that something isn’t right with my body, but this is not depression taking its toll.

The big question here is if anyone will listen to me.  This is where I get pessimistic.  We seem to be a culture of easy answers.  I got a few tests done last week and when I didn’t fall within those categories, nothing further was done.  I simply don’t understand that attitude.  If you’ve ruled out some obvious issues and haven’t determined what is going on, you simply fold?  The last big time that was done I had carbon monoxide poisoning for two winter seasons in a row.  By the middle of the second year I was really sick.  To the first doctor that I saw who walked in the room, said my labs were all normal, then turned around and walked out me:  You’re an asshat.

I fired a doctor about 8 years ago because she let her personal experience with bipolar interfere with my health care. 

I’m considering bagging it with my current doctor’s office and going with the doctor my mum sees.  At least then she’ll have a point of reference with my family history.

I don’t want this to be about pills or not taking responsibility for my poor lifestyle as I finish up school.  It’s about pinning down, within reason, what is making me feel so bad and helping me to manage it properly.  There is no magic pill that will make me feel better, at the same time a little acknowledgement that frequent peeing, puffiness, weight gain, and the rest of the laundry list (including extreme fatigue and high levels of stress for a prolonged period of years) can be causes/indicative of something going on.  I used to be a cheerful, active person.  Now I’m worn out and I look like a sausage with tiny arms and legs.  My physical pain levels are ridiculous.  It’s just not right to feel like this.

We’ll see how this week goes.  I’m looking for books on food allergies, diets to support endocrine and gland function, over-coming fatigue to increase activity levels.  The medical community may not be able to help, but perhaps I can take steps on my own.

moonfire (groggy and sore)

 

I’m going to be pissed off…

…if I find out that medication that was supposed to “Help” me last year (and all those years ago) actually caused some real damage.

I know.  They put warnings on those bottles and prescriptions for a reason.  But how many of us sit down and weigh out the risks, then determine that we’d be better off trying to fix Problem A than just sitting back? 

Well, as it turns out “Problem A” may not even be the problem and the physiological outcome of the medicine for it may be a pretty big problem by itself.  Yeah.  It makes me tired to think about it too. 

In the end though, it may not matter.  What’s done is done.  Either I’ll have to deal with this new adventure or it’s some other freaky thing making me moon-faced and pee all the time.  I’ve had it pointed out that the puffy face got rid of the wrinkles, so we’ll look at that one as a silver-lining kind of thing (although I still think the wrinkles give my face much needed character).  The frequent peeing is about to make me lose my mind.  Today I went 4 times in one hour and no, it was NOT the “oh, la… I think I need to pee.”  It was, “Holy crap, I just freaking went and now I have to jog for the bathroom AGAIN!”

Yeah.  Good times.  Got to the point where I was afraid to drink things because I didn’t know what was going to happen.  My favorite part was at the doctor’s office… “so do you think you can give a urine sample?”  …  Um.  Yeah.  How many do you need?

Feeling like total crap.  Up and down all night.  No.  I didn’t come in about a stomach ache… I came in because I’m peeing way, way out of line with the amount of fluids I’m taking in and my damn face looks  like Sponge Bob’s mom.  And my damn boots are tight and it’s uncomfortable to walk.

Phwew.  Feels good to get that out there.  I like my nurse practioner.  I’ve actually known her since I was about 14, with a good 20 year break in the middle.  I just don’t want to have them come back with the test results and say, “all your test results are normal… we don’t know what it is.”  Sorry, this is not normal.  And no, I have not been peeing this much all my life.  This is a new adventure that started last summer when I started on the Lithium and went toxic.  Yay me.

Even better to subsequently have someone finally figure things out and help me deal with things in a non-medicated manner. 

I’d really like my face back.  And my bladder.  And some sleep.

Thanks.

moonfire

Getting ready for the end of this class

One more week and I’m done with this class.  The anticipation is tough to take.  All I can think about is how good it will feel to start that final class… how it will feel to finish up and how it will feel to have free time.

I’m so tired.

Perhaps it’s poor timing, but we’re working on trying to buy a house too.  Could we wait?  Well.  Yes.  But we needed to start the process, so I’ll suck up the extra stress.  I’ve got a great program for my capstone project and I’m excited about it.  Options for homes in this market are really limited, so we could be looking at a fairly lengthy search anyway.

Time for bed.  Tomorrow is a new day and the start for a short week as I’ll be off on Friday, studying and writing my last case analysis.

moonfire signing off

tired and impatient

These are the two best words to describe me these days.  I’ve been averaging 6 hours of “sleep” per night and it’s beginning to take a toll on me.  CPAP hasn’t been going well.  It disturbs my sleep more than anything, so I’m going to give it another try when I’m done with school.  Perhaps if I’m not so worried all the time, I can give it a shot.

We’re working on the mortgage prep process.  This means dealing with the federal government to get my student loans consolidated and put into the IBR repayment program.  Then it’s a bit of debt restructuring and then application (again) for a mortgage.  Then (sigh) we can look for a house.

I’d be impatient with the “search for a house” portion of the process except the market is woefully barren right now.  What I AM impatient with is the waiting to get official word that my student loans are consolidated and what my IBR payment will be so I can give the documentation to the loan officer.  Waiting out the glacially slow federal processing is like putting a pot on the stove and expecting the air to boil the water.  Ok, so maybe the feds will actually get the job done, but during the process it feels just that painful.

Maybe after all the waiting the housing market will pick up a bit and something will show up that works for us.  That’s my hope at least.  Actually, there’s a house I’m thinking we should be interested in, but the price needs to come down about $10-20 K before it might really work for us.  Now I’ve been on the selling side, so I feel bad for feeling that way, but that’s life.  It’d be nice if that house did eventually drop in price right around the time we were actually armed with the preappvroval letter.

Jobs are also about to get really scarce again in our area.  Two big employers just announced sizable layoffs.  So all that we’re working towards for debt restructuring and mortgage shopping are with an eye to changing our monthly expenses so we can get by on my income alone.  Weird feeling setting that up and if all goes well, we’ll be good to go before the end of April at best, mid- to late- summer at worst.

Funny how buying a home is now cheaper than renting in our area.  Or sad.  It all depends on your perspective as either someone who bought at the peak of the market (circa 2007/2008) or are trying to buy now.

Well fatigue is gaining the upper hand.  It’s time to give in and hit the hay.

**Little prayer:  Grant me patience!

moonfire

This is a wonderful insanity.

We have decided to pursue buying a home.  Now, whether or not the financial institutions we have applied to agree is a different story.  We’re in the hell that is the pre-approval process, which will then be followed by the hell that is the loan processing process (redundant??)… presuming that we get a pre-approval in the first place.

Why are we doing this?  Simply put, rates are outrageously low and prices are amazingly low.

Work is good.  School is going as well as can be expected.  So why would we go through this stress?  (see above)

The difficulty we are likely going to face, if we do get pre-approved, is that there is little to be found on the market.  It may be a long slog of looking at places and wishing that our price range was better.  I don’t know.  The wait for word from the underwriters is a misery. So all of it is relative at this point.

If the pre-approval doesn’t happen now, though, we’ve got good lenders who will advise us through the process of getting to a point where we can get the pre-approval.

We’ll see.  I’m tired and this is just the “submit lots of documents so you can find out if it might happen” phase.

oy.