Where do we go from here?

First, a caveat about this posting:  My job is fine and school is going well.  My boys are both doing fine.

I’m trying to talk myself into acceptance of some things.  The discussion is going along the lines of “Let go of this unhappiness…  Just move forward and accept the way things are.”  But it’s hard.  Maybe it would be easier if I weren’t so tired.  Maybe most of it wouldn’t matter if I weren’t so tired. 

I do know that I’m promising myself to try, to give it every last bit of energy I can drum up, because I don’t like where the alternative could take me.

My disappointment is almost overwhelming me.  It is becoming pervasive and I know that everything depends on me turning around the endless self-talk.  I was going to work on it tonight, but the demands of work and school took priority.  In restrospect, maybe that was a mistake.  If I’d taken a little bit of action tonight, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here, ready to cry out of frustration.

I’ve got a little list in my pocket that I’d intended to use tonight.  I am making this promise to myself, right now, that I will pull it out tomorrow after work and make use of it.  No grumbling.  No negative conversations with myself.  I was careful and put down one item for tomorrow night.  I might have to expand it to two because tonight turned into a failure.  I can recover from this evening’s set back, though, and move on tomorrow.

***

In other news (after that intentionally vague ramble), I see my GYN tomorrow.  Cumulative frustration and fatigue have left me with no fire to even advocate for myself.  I’ll talk to her plainly, accept what she has to say and let that one go too.  I’ve got the name/number of an endocrinologist and I’ll deal with that once tomorrow is past, at least if it’s apparent things are going to be business as usual.

***

I understand why depression happens.  It could be considered to be the outer fringes of frustration combined with fatigue and a sense that nothing ever really changes, until it does finally change.  I’ve been thinking that things would get better, that perhaps age would make a difference.  I was wrong.  I can either choose to accept this or I can make some really awful choices that could create a lifetime of regrets.

Way back when, a promise was made and I’m going to stand by that promise.  I haven’t always done a good job with that, but I’ll do it now.  This is MY conscious decision to stand by that promise, even though it’s tough.  And I’m choosing to do it while learning to let go of the resentment.  Some damage has already been done, so now it’s time to undo it, even though I get to feel the cost of it.  With a little practice, the cost won’t feel like it’s that much.

That’s my theory.

moonfire signing out

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