I’ve been awake since 4am. I can’t begin to describe how much I don’t want to go to work. In a few minutes I’ll drag myself away from the computer, shower, putter around the house and finally walk on in to the office. In the two or so hours I’ve been awake, I’ve continued the same pattern I’ve been going through for the last couple of months… I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of this path that is making me so unhappy.
The problem with feeling trapped is that you begin to feel resentful of all sorts of things. It doesn’t matter if it’s valid or not, it just happens. Knowing that’s what is happening only helps to a certain degree and then it’s a matter of determination and self-talk. The problem, at least for me right now, is that I have so many other things to deal with that I haven’t got the energy to put into turning my situation around. I know that sounds convoluted, but I can’t describe it any other way.
The fact that I’ve been watching this day approach since Thursday (Wednesday being filled with much more important things to worry about, naturally), should say it all. Once I was past the big worry part about the surgery, I immediately stepped back to the “crap, I hate my job phase.”
I don’t want to hate my job. I want to be blissfully, mindlessly numb to it. I want to do what I need to do each day and not think about it. I wish I wasn’t aware, that I was on autopilot while I went about my business, until I came home each night to be with my family. I wish I had no sense of dread each night when I have to get to bed early, just so I can feel rested enough to cope with it. I wish I didn’t lie in bed in the morning, hoping that some kind of solution would present itself.
I made choices a long, long time ago that lead to me working in this area. I love working at the university…. that’s the irony of it all. I simply hate being a “secretary,” no matter how you jazz up the title.
One of my favorite words is “why.” I love patterns and analysis.
I hate busywork. I really hate inefficiencies.
I am now the living embodiment of inefficiency.
The only thing I hate more than being a secretary is being in a call center, at least the current way they run them…
Guess what my only other area of work experience is?
Yep. Call center work.
And you know what else? I’m beginning to be useless at home too. I don’t get much done. I’m not taking best care of my kids. I’m a lump around my husband.
I’m beginning to physically manifest my apathy and unhappiness in how I look.
But now I have to go find something to wear, take that shower and begin my day. Venting here is only delaying the fact that I have to go in. I can beat against it mentally all I want, but this is how it is.
Lost in space….