Hiding out, knowing I need to go to work

I’ve been awake since 4am.  I can’t begin to describe how much I don’t want to go to work.  In a few minutes I’ll drag myself away from the computer, shower, putter around the house and finally walk on in to the office.  In the two or so hours I’ve been awake, I’ve continued the same pattern I’ve been going through for the last couple of months…  I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of this path that is making me so unhappy.

The problem with feeling trapped is that you begin to feel resentful of all sorts of things.  It doesn’t matter if it’s valid or not, it just happens.  Knowing that’s what is happening only helps to a certain degree and then it’s a matter of determination and self-talk.  The problem, at least for me right now, is that I have so many other things to deal with that I haven’t got the energy to put into turning my situation around.  I know that sounds convoluted, but I can’t describe it any other way.

The fact that I’ve been watching this day approach since Thursday (Wednesday being filled with much more important things to worry about, naturally), should say it all.  Once I was past the big worry part about the surgery, I immediately stepped back to the “crap, I hate my job phase.”

I don’t want to hate my job.  I want to be blissfully, mindlessly numb to it.  I want to do what I need to do each day and not think about it.  I wish I wasn’t aware, that I was on autopilot while I went about my business, until I came home each night to be with my family.  I wish I had no sense of dread each night when I have to get to bed early, just so I can feel rested enough to cope with it.  I wish I didn’t lie in bed in the morning, hoping that some kind of solution would present itself.

I made choices a long, long time ago that lead to me working in this area.  I love working at the university…. that’s the irony of it all.  I simply hate being a “secretary,” no matter how you jazz up the title.

One of my favorite words is “why.”  I love patterns and analysis.

I hate busywork.  I really hate inefficiencies.

I am now the living embodiment of inefficiency.

The only thing I hate more than being a secretary is being in a call center, at least the current way they run them…

Guess what my only other area of work experience is?

Yep.  Call center work.

And you know what else?  I’m beginning to be useless at home too.  I don’t get much done.  I’m not taking best care of my kids.  I’m a lump around my husband.

I’m beginning to physically manifest my apathy and unhappiness in how I look.

oh joy.

But now I have to go find something to wear, take that shower and begin my day.  Venting here is only delaying the fact that I have to go in.  I can beat against it mentally all I want, but this is how it is.

Lost in space….
moonfire.

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Boy am I tired

I’d love to come up with something clever to write, but honestly? I’m still just trying to find some way back to a routine.  It’s back to work tomorrow, although thankfully it’s a short week due to the holiday.  Still, going back to work when I still don’t feel like myself kind of sucks.  It’s fine though.  One of the people who makes life a bit tedious at work will be off all next week on vacation.  I’m glad because I’m not there 100% yet and I’d hate to fold.

I tried writing a couple days ago but ended up deleting the post.  It just didn’t feel right.  Not that this is much better, but it’s something.  For the written record, the surgery went fine.  No bad side effects and, other than the itching of the healing incisions and the sore throat from the breathing tube, I feel good.  The first couple of days I was really tired and I’m still feeling it, but not as bad.  If all goes well, I should be fully back to myself by the end of this next week.  I don’t want to wear anything snug though and with my weight where it is, that’s a toughie.  It sucks, when I think about how much the weight has piled on.

So I suppose that’s my next difficulty to tackle.  I need to get the weight off and I need to get my physical shape back.  Mum and I are going to work on it…  and we’re committing to each other in order to get through it.  This means sitting down tonight and putting together my shopping list.  Todd has the van so I’m stuck until tonight.  Not that I have the energy to take the kids grocery shopping right now anyway.  I feel like I’m always a few hours shy of a good night’s sleep.  grr.

Anyway, I’m recovering.  It took more out of me in some ways than I expected and in other ways it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.  All I have to say is my doctor is fantastic.

Well, it’s time for me to get cleaned up and prep for the baby waking up from his nap.  Poor guy.  He looks pasty and his eyes look tired.  I am going to watch his nutrition this next week.  I keep thinking that he’s missing something from his diet.  Of course, he could just be going through a growth spurt.  It’s hard, second-guessing myself all the time.

As for the job thing.  Cross your fingers for me.  I wish I could get into my field.  I wish that more than anything.  I’d love to be satisfied with what I’ve got but I’m not.  And when you have to spend as much time at work as we do each week, it’s a good idea to find a way to at least enjoy it a bit.

moonfire.

So here we go

I’ve been in a pretty heinous depression for the last few weeks and it seemed to peak a few days ago.  I took some active steps and I got some sun, now I’m feeling better but I can sense that edge, that emotional fragility that I’d rather do without.  It happens.  It actually happens a lot with me, although it’s been better in recent years.  I write all this because I’m getting myself ready to drive to the hospital and end my child-bearing years.  It’s such a final thing.  I always thought those years would fade with a whimper, not a sudden event like this.  I know I elected (crap, what a great word) to do this, but there are so many reasons why I need to do it.  I can’t take many more months of completely debilitating periods.

Sadder still, we simply can’t go through another pregnancy and not just because of money.  This last one was hard on me.  I have permanent physical issues because of it and I worry about what the next one would do.

The fact of it is we have our wonderful boys and if life were to end right now, this moment, I wouldn’t have a single regret.  I’ve experienced amazing events…  I’ve got my family, that I love beyond the weakness of trying to express it.  I’ve seen more than just my corner of the world.

But the fact is, that there is always something that I yearn for, some future time or place that I look to and wonder what it will be like to be there.  I’m already trying to imagine how I’m going to feel after it’s done and I have no point of reference at all.  I got pregnant at 19 and had an abortion.  I’ve had miscarriages.  I’ve gone through the years of trying and trying to get pregnant.  I’ve gone through birthing two beautiful boys.  I’ve had the pms symptoms that made me think I was losing my mind and the times when I prayed that my period wouldn’t come… or would, depending on the year.

It’s a hard thing to set down in words, the complex relationship a woman has with her body.  It’s a crazy ride we go on, from the time that first blood appears until the days when it ends.  Whether having children or not, a woman’s body does some completely incredible things.

I didn’t really view it from this perspective until this last few days when I started to really think over what I might experience as far as changes.  My hope is that I’ll be one of the lucky percentage who has their period stop completely, but I’ll settle for much lighter at this point.  At least we’re trying.  And that’s something.

The interesting part was the question from my doctor.  She explained that she is very gentle and careful, but if the uterus were to be perforated would I want it removed.  I had no hesitation in saying yes.  I know there are ramifications, but the reality is that I can’t go on with things as they are.

Anyway, I slept hard and deep last night.  I’m fighting a bug, unfortunate since I have to get in for these procedures today, but I gave my body good rest last night.  At some point this morning, I’ll be drugged and eventually knocked out, waking an hour or so later to my new life.  It’s time to start thinking of myself as more than my reproductive system.  What an idea.  A friend, long ago in the past, called me “Spock Girl”…  Maybe I’ll resurrect my brain out of this funky mess, evacuate the term “potty” from my vocabulary, and get on with the business of reinventing myself.

That sounds like a good way to head off on fresh adventures.

Cheers,
moonfire.

Two things, significant

First, my surgery count-down is now to one day.  I have the pre-op appointment with my doctor today and then tomorrow I go to the hospital.  I think I’ve finally found peace with my decision.  For some reason, now that I’m here, I feel ready.  I read up on the one procedure, Novasure, and the positive outcomes for many women has made me feel reinforced in my decision.  I need this.  I can’t go on the way it’s been since I had Aidan.

Second, July 3rd my honey and I will have been together for 11 years.  It hit me today that we’ve crossed some kind of major line in my mind.  11 years is a long time, particularly when you look at it from the modern perspective.  People don’t stick to much for 11 years or more now.  Life has become so “disposable,” with changing jobs and relationships.  We’ll have our 10th wedding anniversary in September.  We weren’t really young when we got married, but I look at the picture of us, the one I keep on my desk, and I am amazed at how young we looked.  I had no grays….  Neither one of us had any idea how crazy and wonderful our life together would be.  We have two great kids and we’ve stuck together through bad times and great times. 

I can only imagine what the future is going to hold for us in the next 10, 20, 30 years.

And that’s a thought, isn’t it?

I also realized this morning that things could have been different.  We might not have met….  Then again, I kind of feel like we were meant to be.   I can’t imagine life without him.  I don’t want to.

***

Just got back from my pre-op appointment.  I feel good.  It’s time. 

It’s time to move on.  It’s a new phase of life. 

cheers,
moonfire.

A brief update

I’ll have to make this one relatively short since I’ve got a lot to do (sort of) before I’m out Wed-Fri of this week.

I’m doing better.  I got two applications in for promotions.  Mum took me out for lunch on Friday and we had a good talk about things.  I’m still stressed, but I always do better when I can take action, versus just sitting and feeling helpless about things.

Mostly, though… I’ve finally accepted that I can’t keep doing this kind of work.  It’s not helping my mood at all and the particular position I’m in was always a risky one for me to take, in particular because of one of the people that I’m supporting.  I’ve always had a weird vibe about here, but I was willing to give it a shot when I thought that I’d have an out by doing my studies and moving into a position that would get me started on my career.

That plan got hacked all to hell by the state dropping the pay scales, so now I’m pretty much stuck until I get my degree done.  I can’t volunteer – not on top of work, family and school.  I can’t take a lower paying job, not given the cost of things now and the fact that honestly, I don’t think those costs are going to go back down.  I’ve had to accept that the world has changed and now it’s time for me to stop being passive about my work life.  If I have to be here… and I do…. then I need to be earning more money.  I have a family to think about.

As for myself?  I need the promotion.  I need the intellectual challenge… versus the busy-work challenge that I’ve been facing in my current level.  More than anything, I need to feel that I’m making some kind of progression in my work life.  Stagnation is one of the leading reasons that I end up feeling unhappy at work. 

Now all of this is in contradiction to what I was trying to do back in April and May, when I wanted to decrease my stress.  Well, stress goes way up when you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to be able to feed your children.  School is coming, both for the grownups and for Brennan, along with all the associated expenses.  Food prices have gone up.  Gas is unreal and I personally think this is the new baseline for gas prices.

The best thing I can do for my family right now is get off my butt and get promoted to a decent salary.  What I make now isn’t going to cut it and it’s not worth the stress of being in a job that I’m not thrilled with.  I find this kind of work to be uninspiring and I’ve stuck it out a long time, but I’ve finally reached the end of it.

Wednesday is surgery day.  I am going to try to let things go for now so I can relax about the surgery.  I’m still not 100% resolved in my feelings about no longer being able to have children, but I wonder sometimes if I ever will be.  I’m older now and it’s time to move into a new phase of life.  My boys are wonderful.  I need to focus on that and let go of what-ifs.

Time to get back to work.  There is much to do and I have little motivation.  I just hope I can dig some up.

moonfire.

Vagaries

I’m a bit lost these days, I have to admit.  I have no energy.  I am lethargic and feel worn out on everything, not just work.

Yes.  I would qualify it as a depression, but I don’t think it’s something generated from internal issues.  In other words, I don’t think it’s some physiological problem, although lack of sleep and a rapidly forming cold are urging it along.

The fact is that I am overwhelmed with making choices and all the stresses that are attacking me.  I chose this new job to take myself out from under the thumb of someone who was making me miserable at work, but the truth is that I was hoping for a “fun” job, one that required less intensity from me.  That’s not what I’ve got here, although it hasn’t ramped up as horridly as I suspected it would.

I hate being a secretary, no matter how the title is warped or changed.  I hate this work.  I hate the ongoing drudgery of it and the way my mind is not challenged.  What IS a challenge is trying to keep digging up the motivation to continue, day after day, moving forward and getting things done.  I have my children’s photos on my desk, reminding me of the “why.”  Without this job, my family wouldn’t make it.  There’d be no home, no food, and no safety.

I’ve hated this work back as far as my early 30’s, if not before that time.  The last two years were made palatable due to my boss.  He made me laugh.  He made life interesting.  I could tolerate it.  Maybe that’s why I couldn’t stay in that job any longer.  He was done with his time and I knew, deep down, that things were going to change.

I’m not good with change.  Let’s be honest here.  When you get into something good, it makes it hard when someone comes along and blows it.  In this case, nobody changed things… it just was what it was.

I often wonder if I will ever find satisfaction in anything work-related.  I love my family and I hate the fact that the majority of my week is spent away from them.  Why is it that it’s ok that the most important aspect of life is relegated to only 2 days a week, while the rest of the week is absorbed by things that should not have so much weight.  I know there are those folks who will argue about the importance of the “work world” and the tasks that are accomplished.  I don’t disagree.  I simply think that we’ve lost sight of what matters.

It’s making me sick to let my mind dig deeper into these feelings.  I’d like to numb myself against this awareness, but I can’t.

There is something seriously wrong with the world we live in.

I’m going to try to let it go for now.  I can’t change it.  At least not right now.  But it makes me wonder about the long term.

moonfire.

Juno and a rainy day

I watched the movie “Juno” yesterday.  What a fantastic movie!  I’m not sure I know where to begin, although it bears noting that I cried at several points during the  movie.  It’s not a sad movie, so don’t get me wrong about it.  It is quirky, strange and so real that it hurts.  The dialog is fantastic.  I’ve been around enough teenagers lately that I can truly say yes, they talk like that.  It’s that weird, almost flat way they talk, interspersed with moments of unintentional wit…  hard to explain, but that is as close as I can come.

I understood Vanessa (played by Jennifer Garner).  She was wound so tight it was painful to watch, but that’s what happens when you are hoping so hard for something that you’ve already been disappointed in (over and over again).  You tense up.  You find places that you can exercise control over and you do it.  At the same time, I related to Juno.  I understand her almost wise view of the world, coupled with her naivete.  I was there.  My choice was different at the time, but who knows what might have happened if I’d been in her situation?

What made me cry though was the relationship between our hopes and children.  Whether you’re a step parent or a mom-to-be, however reluctant, there is something about it all that deeply affects us.  When Vanessa said that she always wanted to be a parent (a mommy), I knew exactly what she meant.  I’ve been the same since I was big enough to express an opinion about it, which was, apparently, at a very early age. 

Being a mother has been everything to me and continues to rule my world.  I make decisions based on what is best for me and my family, with no clear distinction made between me and them.  I emailed my mum today that those two moments when each of my boys came in to the world were the two absolutely best moments of my life.  Nothing could come close to how I felt when those little bodies exited the safety of my body.  There they were, separate but forever a part of me.

I watched Juno, as she lay on her side, recovering from her delivery, and I was hurting for her.  There is an emptiness that happens after you give birth.  It’s a strange time of readjustment when you realize exactly how alone you are and how, for a time, you had someone close to you – closer than anyone can ever be again.

You recover from that feeling and move on, but it’s something that I still think about.  Gradually, as time goes by, I find other ways to be close to them, although nothing beats the big cuddle or the tight hug.  I enjoy talking to Bren and hearing about his perceptions of the world.  I love watching Aidan’s eyes when he looks at me and gradually his whole face transforms into a grin.

It’s a different kind of closeness. 

Motherhood is the gradual process of letting go, right from the first moment that those little bodies leave us and the cord is cut.

Juno made me think about my own experiences.  It made me think about how I feel about mothering and how I see myself in that role, how I got here in the first place.

It’s a keeper of a movie.  I might watch it again, if for no other reason than I missed a few things when I was crying over it.

As for her boyfriend, Bleeker….  Well, forgive me Todd, but he reminded me of you.  I’m smiling as I type this, because it’s oh so true.  When Bleeker was lying next to her, holding her during recovery, all I could think was that you and I would have been like that if we’d met when we were teenagers…  Good thing fate let us meet later.  Can you imagine us as teenage parents?  I think your dad would have had a coronary.

It’s a beautiful cold, rainy day here.  The world looks pretty and I imagine the trees and flowers and grass are all happy.  I’d rather be home, curled up with the baby, watching a movie.  I’d rather hear Bren in the background with his constant, “Mom, look at this…. Mom, mom, mom….”

I hope Todd’s having a good day.  Work is work…  nothing much exciting and too much to be done, but little in the way of motivation today, given that I’m tired and stressed out.  I’m looking forward to going home today, to putting on fuzzy socks, curling up on the couch and laughing at my guys as they go about doing their “guy” thing.

It’s a Tuesday.  I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Cheers from a soggy moonfire.