Ramblings of a Wild for Words Woman
perspective, laughter, and living in my world
Things went so well today that I can’t help but think it will all come out well.
Waiting on the official word and that takes time.
The boys’ uncle was up and moving about a slight bit today. Todd’s sister says his humor is kicking in once again, which is just like him.
So I’ll say a few prayers tonight and try to sleep so that my body will get over this crud that seems to have crushed me (once again).
goodnight from moonfire
There is so much to write and I just don’t know that I can find the words. So I suppose all I can do is try. That is the best I can do, given the circumstances.
Tomorrow at 8:30 am I have the second interview. The very nice woman I am coordinating with told me that it will be informal, but still a part of the interview process. A couple of my references have told me that they’ve been contacted and of course they said they gave good feedback about me.
Today my brother in law had 2/3’s of his stomach removed due to cancer. My sister in law has a heart condition and has been in bad shape during the course of the day. My in laws are with her while he is in the hospital. His family has gathered here in town too.
My children both have low-grade temps, so we’re keeping them home. The little guy needs to stay home, away from my in laws so they aren’t running the risk of sharing infection with my sister in law.
I talked to my boss today, about how I haven’t taken risks over the years. I’ve played it safe and those decisions have brought me to this time and place. It’s time to stop playing it safe with my professional life. Tomorrow I’ll do my best. If things go well, that’s great. If they don’t, I’m not giving up.
Time is this strange thing, kind of elastic. You puddle along, sure that you’ve got everything figured out. One day though, you come to that point – the one where you know with total certainty that you’ve hit that moment of before and after. There will always be the history before that moment, almost an innocence, and then there is the time afterwards where nothing will ever be the same.
My sister in law is very special to me. I have often thought that she and I are very similar in our temperament and characteristics. She is Todd’s little sister, born in May and he was born September 16. I’m a May baby and my little sister was born September 16. There are even more similarities, but let’s just leave it there for now. I keep thinking about how her world has been shaken – how she has experienced that before and after. When her husband got the news on the cell phone while they were driving home from Easter vacation, her whole world shifted.
It has shifted again today and I am hoping, even praying, that the after is that realization that he’s going to fight his way back from this.
I should get back to prepping for tomorrow but right now, all I feel is this deep tired.
I think I’ll sleep for now.
moonfire
The big guy had a nightmare. I wish it had happened at 6am rather than 5am, since I was sleeping rather soundly. So I got up and puttered. The house was cold. After all the warm weather we’ve been having, we haven’t set the heating and cooling system back to heat. When I wandered down the hall I checked it and it was 63. No wonder my flannel jammies felt so comfortable!
Our little guy always kicks off his covers, so I got him snuggled back under his soft blankie and the big puffy (quilt). When he’s asleep he looks so babyish, with his big round head and the soft hair. Which reminds me – I saw a beautiful baby girl yesterday. She was 9 1/2 months, perky and curious. I think that age is the one we most likely think of when we imagine babies. They are so aware and interested in the world.
I will never stop feeling that love for the little ones. One of the ladies at the chiro office asked me yesterday if I was going to have more, so of course I explained no. As much as I love the baby stage, I don’t miss the fatigue. And each point that comes along as they grow and develop is interesting… why would I want to hang on to it?
Anyway, I’m resisting the urge to go snuggle back into bed. I’d like to curl up with our little guy and be there when he wakes up.
Instead it’s time for a hot, hot bath and some relaxation before I start the busy day ahead. I’m still going to be nudging at curiosity about the outcome of the hiring process. Consider it like that rough spot on a tooth. Your tongue simply will not leave it alone. I can try all I want, but I might as well accept the inevitable. And yes. I’m terrible at Christmas too.
I could have done with less curiosity and more patience in my “Shannon” mix.
Hell. If we’re going there, I could have done with more “loves to run” and “loves to eat fresh veggies” rather than my present state of “loves to read” and “loves homemade bread with butter.”
sigh.
cheers on this cool Thursday morning,
moonfire
They called at least one of my references today. If I remember correctly, they were going to call references on the finalist. I don’t quite remember if they were going to call on more than one finalist or just the person they were going to make the offer to.
Here’s the thing… My references are excellent. I have people who know the very key strengths I have that fit being a financial aid counselor well. Beautiful Ms. M gave a reference about my empathy with the students. Mr. K will tell about my patience and my ability to learn very quickly. Dr. GB (if they can reach him) will tell about my organizational ability. The incredibly patient and wonderful Mr. A will tell them about my ability to be professional. And the wondrous Ms. KB will just saying glowy things…
I want to sit down, in a quiet space and say a little prayer… Please, give me the chance. I won’t let you down.
I have so much more to offer than I have had the chance to show.
I just need a chance.
***
The day I drove in to work, dressed to the nines, anticipating that interview, I was singing a song to myself…
Like the Weather (by the 10,000 Maniacs)
I sang it on the way home too.
If you find it on the web, listen to that lovely melodic line. I don’t know why, but it suited where I was that day.
***
Time for bed. I’m going to persuade Todd to let me cuddle him. That’s better than pain meds any day.
moonfire
I’m trying to keep myself occupied, but work isn’t enough to keep me fully mentally distracted. It’s making me nuts. I really wish I had more patience.
I should go to bed right now, but I’m avoiding taking any pain medication tonight. This is going to be a challenge. My neck is still hurting, although it is starting to heal. Still, I want to take something so it won’t be so sharp, but the rest of my body needs a break.
I thought perhaps I could write tonight – express some of what has been rattling around in my brain. Instead, I find myself (once again) distracted and slightly disconnected. Too many thoughts and not enough containment, I suppose.
Maybe I should just give it up. Why is it only Wednesday night? How am I going to make it through the wait? It’s like being caught in the middle of unrealized potential, with all of the possibilities sitting right in front of me. Once I hear the verdict, that potential is completed and things are back to concrete.
That is enough for this evening. It’s 9pm. I’m hoping to persuade Todd to go to bed early tonight. That might actually be enough work to keep my busy brain occupied.
cheers from the inner workings of impatience,
moonfire
Day # ?? with the neck/shoulder pain. So I can’t really write about yesterday with any sense of coherence. I want to at least note something now, while it is still so fresh.
The interview went amazingly well – particularly when I take into account the neck pain and the slow recovery from the flu. My nose was bright red from blowing it just before the interview, but that didn’t slow me down.
I got great feedback and I cannot imagine a more positive experience. I did well and even if I’m not chosen, I feel like I have nothing to be sad about where my performance was concerned. Yes, I wish that I had done more prep work in my studies on FSA Coach, but given my health over that week, I will be comfortable with what I did manage to accomplish.
I have high hopes, but I have to make it through the two weeks while they make the decision. They finished the second batch of interviews today. I was first in line and that is a slightly intimidating thought. I can only hope that I set the standard high enough to stay in good shape.
Nice group, though. Cohesive, warm, friendly and strangely supportive of why I was there. The woman who I have been in contact with? Barb… She is quite possibly one of the nicest people I’ve encountered on campus. I would love to work for her, but I’m just glad that I met her.
It’s a strange feeling to come out of an interview glowing, but that was exactly how I felt yesterday. How lucky I am that things happened as they did.
They DID interview three candidates in March. Without going into details, things didn’t materialize, so they returned to the pool of candidates of which I was a part.
And I got my chance.
Now we’ll see what happens. I care about the outcome in a huge way. But I also understand that the process has to happen. Much depends on personality and how that person who is chosen will mesh with the team.
If it doesn’t happen this time, they will be hearing from me in the future. I won’t give up.
I’m waiting for the pain killer to kick in right now and then I’m going to sleep. Rest is all I can ask for now.
Oh yeah. I looked great for my interview as well. Mum and I did a fantastic job on that end. I felt good and I was nervous as hell, at least until I met the people from the department. Once I met them, it was like all the fear just disappeared. How can you be afraid when you’re talking to such nice people?
I understand better now why people they hire stay and why openings are few and far between.
I’ll keep praying and I’m sure glad I got to let my own light shine for a bit.
moonfire
My desk was a disaster. So I have been awake for a long time this morning (it’s 4:45am right now) and I finally crawled out of bed around 3:30 or so, got a glass of juice and looked at my desk. What a pitiful, unorganized mess. I decided to do something about it because, apparently, I do my best cleaning during the wee, wee small hours of the morning.
I think there is a disconnect between my body and the rest of life. My body thinks, “Hey! Let’s get up at 3am, putter, then go back to sleep for 5 or 6 hours!!”
Life says, “No.”
It’d be nice if I could live with my normal biorhythm, but it appears that it is not suitable to modern life. In fact, if I think about it, I can’t imagine any period in history in which my particular sleep pattern would be considered ok. How nice.
My desk does look pretty good right now. It is still fairly cluttered, but things are in neat stacks, sorted by relevance to each other and within the stacks they are sorted by the urgency of due time to be completed or addressed. I have the book and syllabus for my class starting officially Monday, but it is open for comments today. The reading for it will have to wait until I complete my interview preparations. That is simply how it will have to be.
I have a stack of library books from my last big research project. They need to be returned, so I’ve decided Tuesday will be their day. There is the refund check I need to deposit. It was lost for almost two months on my desk and I had begun to think I’d already deposited it. But no, here it is and how timely is that?
I have the sample syllabi from two of the KSU classes that I will be taking. They are set out as inspiration to keep me going while I wait to hear if I am admitted. They’ll be recycled if I’m not and pinned to the bulletin board for future reference if I am.
There is a small assortment of Legos and a clear plastic car (you can see the metal engine and “innards” of the car through the plastic – very cool). There are the calcium chews that I should be taking on a daily basis but periodically forget.
I have a pile of old research documentation that I’m holding on to, as well as my pink financial calculator, some odd sewing supplies and a picture of the boys – Brennan was 4 1/2, holding his brand new baby brother. Aidan looks like a solid little chunk, reminding me why we called him Moose at the beginning and Bren looks angelic… something that wasn’t necessarily true at that time, but still makes me smile to see it.
So I suppose, now that it’s coming up on 5am, that I should crawl back in bed and try to sleep a few more hours before the boys are up and hungry. I’d like to think maybe now that some of that excess energy has been worked off in a productive way, I’ll be able to sleep and dream rather than list and plan.
I guess it’s a thought.
One final note. Had a fun time with mum at JC Penney’s yesterday morning. Even though I was feeling horrible and shaky, I knew I had to get in, find something appropriate for the interview, and get something to accessorize it. The counselor position is a people position and I need to look well put together. Given that I neither accessorize nor typically look well put together, this was a bit of a stretch in the shopping realm for me. We did pull it off though and I think I’ll strike just the right note for the audience.
During the course of our mini shopping expedition, I bought a “grown up purse”. I suck at purses. Actually, except for some small exceptions, I typically suck at being good at most things “girlie.” I carry a purse for function, rather than style and personally, I go for the slightly bohemian versus the modern. As a consequence of my lack of style-sense and my normal daily wear, I look like a college student. Yesterday I made the leap and decided, since I’m finally ready to move on to more professional pursuits, I’d find a purse that reflected that.
The funny thing about it, now that I look at the purse, loaded with my transferred portables… I really like the purse I got. It’s stylish, current and still has some “Shannon” personality to it.
Oh yeah. I got my nails done too.
I know. That is more than enough “girlie” for at least a month. I might be able to stretch it out even longer than that.
Well, 5am has come and gone. Time to go back to sleep and rest my head. My neck pain is retreating and I might luck out for Monday with complete freedom (mostly) from the pain.
cheers from insomnia land…
moonfire
I hope I’ll be able to look back on Monday and think about it as the starting point of something great. No matter what, I’ve made strides forward today. If I could get my neck to stop hurting, as well as see the last of this dumb cough, things would be looking up.
I have to finish writing my presentation outline and handout tomorrow. I’d do it tonight but the pain is awful. I’ve taken two extra strength Tylenol and one Flexeril. I’ve got something for backup in the middle of the night if the pain doesn’t give me a break, but I’m hesitant to use it.
I need to do a focus listing of my skills and qualifications. It helps me to keep my salient points fresh to mind. I’m still working on letting go of the fear of failure, but it’s always easier to consider it from a logical standpoint than to actually get yourself free of it.
I’m probably going to be living with hot and cold packs on my neck this weekend. I’m praying that the pain is gone by Monday. I can’t imagine focusing with this pain going on.
It’s strange that I am here, the second Friday in a row, looking forward to a Monday and the possibilities that it will bring.
Now if I can just find some peace inside myself, I think I will make it through this preparation weekend just fine. I suppose there will need to be some rest thrown in there too.
One final thought – the pain is making me impatient and sharp with those around me, including the kids. I apologize to everyone around me but having this sharp, tight pain running from my skull down into my shoulder is making it difficult to control my thoughts and mouth. This is why it is so important that the pain be gone by Monday. I could very well end up blowing this because I can’t concentrate and that worries me.
For now, this is a very tired, but recovering moonfire signing off…
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
**Note from moonfire: I have loved this since I first read Dune, many years ago. I think it is something to be shared with non-Dune readers. Fear comes from many places… internal, external… to learn how to relax and focus in the face of our fears is important. How many times has it dictated a path taken or not taken?
Here is a funny thing. I am ridiculously nervous (some might say scared) about five minutes. I am willing to take a herd of young children out to the movies every other week. I will battle the school system to get what is needed for my children.
But speak for five minutes about the FAFSA, a topic I know all too well, and I’m shaking in my boots?
silly woman.
Maybe I should correct myself on this one. I’m nervous about the interview period. The only thing that is keeping me from melting down is this hacking, horrible cough and the overwhelming fatigue that has me sitting on my ass in bed on a Thursday afternoon. Yes. For the record, I overdid it yesterday.
I did sit up for a bit and FINALLY do my application for Kansas State University’s Academic Advising degree. I have been fence-sitting and whining and moping and feeling fear that I’d be rejected for over a month.
silly woman.
If I don’t get accepted? I’ve got a backup plan.
If I don’t get the job? Fine. I’ll apply next time and the next time and the next time until they get tired of me. And I’ll network.
Stupid flu. Stupid fear.
This is me, crawling out from under all the load of crap I’ve been heaping on myself for a long few years. I’ve got the most amazing friends and support you’ve ever seen. Time to live up to that and stop quivering in my boots.
No more silly woman here.
Now, at the risk of undercutting all that I’ve just written, I’m going to take that nap that my body is crying out for.
cheers,
moonfire
Ramblings of a Wild for Words Woman 