He’s ready, but I’m not OR How come I feel like the worst mother in the world

Ok.  I’m getting weepy again.  I’ll add this caveat to what I’m about to write:  I’m in the midst of PMS and yes, there is chocolate on my desk.

My friend at work mentioned today the ads for school supplies and school clothes are starting to show up and it hit me – Oh crap!  I need to get Bren’s supplies for kindergarten.  Then the secondary thought hit that we need to get him school clothes and THEN the tertiary thought hit that my baby is going to school.

All of this combined and here I am, trying hard to NOT tear up.  I’m not ready.  I mean, I am because I know that it’s long past time for him to go to school, but ME… I’m not ready for me to see him go off.

He’s in a summer program, just one week long, for the local theater group.  It’s a funny little program, just one hour per day, and it’s starting his exposure to theater.  I’m glad we enrolled him in it because apparently he’s loving it.  Dad tells me that he can’t get out the door fast enough to go to it each day.

Intellectually-speaking, he’s most definitely ready to go to school and I think he’ll love all of the projects he’ll get to do.  Socially, he is going to be over the moon about being with other kids his age.  Kindergarten might just be the best year of school there is… with the art projects, the learning through play, and the sheer fun of it.  I say this, even though my little sister had to be pulled out of it, but that was for problems due to her meds (childhood epilepsy).

Why do I feel like the worst mother?  Well… That’s based on a bunch of things that maybe I shouldn’t be beating myself up over, but that’s the life of a mother.  We had the list of things (activities) to do this summer in order to prep him for school this fall.  There are areas where we do really well and, frankly, many where we suck big time (to extract a great quote out of “Sixth Sense”).

We haven’t been doing projects… We haven’t done arts and crafts things with him…  We haven’t worked on his printing…  and the list goes on.  All these things we were supposed to do.  Even worse?  He’s watched way too much tv.

He goes to school in a month and I feel like I’ve let him down already.  It’s a crappy feeling.

And I add to it that the fall is going to be busy for us.  I’ll be working full-time, unless something miraculous happens… I’ll be a 3/4 time grad student.  Todd will be a full-time student and working 24 hours a week.

I have to find the time to be available for Bren and still manage to do my school work.  So does Todd.

I’ve got to get my crap together and do a bit more.  And I sent out the letter to the Dean of the libraries here on campus, so perhaps I could find something part-time.  I simply can’t fit it all into my day.  It just isn’t going to happen.  I’m not super-mom.

So here’s my message to Bren:

Honey, you’re a really bright little boy and you make me proud of the fact that you seem to overcome your parents’ limitations.  Please bear with me for the next two years while I pump all this time into my education so I can be a better provider for you.  I promise to do my best for you during that time.  I promise to gather all my shreds of patience together so I can be a good mom for you and your little brother.

Please promise me that you’ll enjoy school and find the fun in learning, just like your dad and I have.

Love your mom.

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One thought on “He’s ready, but I’m not OR How come I feel like the worst mother in the world

  1. Shannon,

    Funny that you wrote this post today… as you know I have stuggling with many of the same things as you.

    Today I quit my job as a social worker (after 14 years). I’m taking a job with the local school district as a teacher so I can have more time with Bryant. It’s a hard hard move… and I’m taking a HUGE paycut… but it will allow me to spend more time with Bryant and Zac.

    Like you, I am going back to school as a graduate student. I am attempting to obtain my teaching credentials and add a Master’s to my resume.

    Bryant (like Brennan) is starting kindergarden and it’s killing me. Seems like just the other day you and I were both sitting at W’s (insert name here) talking to her about childcare. Where oh where has the time gone??????

    I wish you the best of luck.

    -Jenny

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