I went to the gathering this afternoon. It’s really hard for me to be in public when I feel grief. I don’t like funerals. I believe in the memories of a person, not the emptiness that comes afterwards… but today I felt like I wanted to be with the community who cared so much about her. I’ve read the remembrances that people have been writing on KTVB.com… each of those words seems to echo what I’m feeling too.
I don’t want my memories to be overwhelmed by how she lost her life. But right now that’s what I feel. It’s so wrong. I know, logic has no place in this. Yesterday someone told me that you have to just let your feelings happen. I’m trying, but I still fight them. I think about how much she touched my life, influenced so many things that I’ve tucked into my intellectual being. That’s what I want to remember… not the pictures of the fire.
I’m going to go hug my sons. Later this evening I’m going to pull out my book and print off some of the articles for my class. I’m not going to waste my education, so hard won at this point. Instead, I’m going to get myself together, shake myself off and pursue my dream. That’s one of the things I learned back in her class. Do it. Perservere and keep trying. And if you’re having a rough time, don’t call too early in the morning! Damn. I’d love to tell her that the pudgy, nursing mom in her Spring 2003 LI 305 is going to be a librarian. I think she’d see the humor in it.