this is what tired feels like

Had the appointment with the sleep specialist today.  This is the same guy I saw 5 years ago (sleep study then showed 230 sleep interruptions, with only 16 apneas).  I’m hopeful that the apneas will hit at least 35 so I’ll qualify for CPAP.  If not, it can only be done out of our pocket and they are extremely thin.

He told me that my last sleep test showed that I’m roused out of sleep an average of every 2 minutes.  Nice.  Because it wasn’t enough full apneas, no CPAP for me.

Sigh.

August 18th is my next sleep test.  This may be ironic, but let’s hope that my apneas are high enough to warrant help.  I’m tired of being tired.

One other note:  Went through the childhood traumas list.  Perhaps I lack objectivity, but I didn’t think it was that bad.  Once I got them out there in the open (toads that they are), my doctor told me that I have very valid reasons for my behaviors and responses to things.  (She also said – halfway through the early childhood years – “Well, I’m throwing out the bipolar diagnosis.”)  It’s not to say that I should keep having certain responses to things, rather now I can look at them and note the reason I feel the way I do.

They are not minor slights or peer issues.  They were adults in positions of power who attacked, threatened, attempted murder, and abused.  I don’t want to go into details and I’m not even sure that I can write it out.  I feel guilt that I didn’t protect my sister.  I feel an overwhelming sense of protectiveness and a seeking of security, even at the risk of missing out on things.  I see my children being the ages that I was when these things happened and I am incredibly glad that (I hope) they won’t experience these things.  I want to control my environment.   I want to be able to think about these events and know that they have no more influence on my thinking.

Tonight I’m just going to let it all out.  It’s ok for me to feel sad for my little kid self.

Before it all seems like sadness and reliving bad things, I will be clear – I’m “cleaning house” because there are memories from childhood that are amazing, wonderful, and cherished.  I’d like to clear out the rubbish so that I can see all those memories that mean the most.  When I’m done, I’m going to roll around in those memories and pull out a few of my favorites.  There are some that are write-worthy.  That’s what this space needs to be about after the cleaning.

I’ll keep documenting the process though.  Because someday I’ll want to remember that it was work.

moonfire

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