I’m preparing to go through the process of getting fully tested, so I’m writing this post with that caveat. I’ve got the diagnosis from my mental health provider; however, I feel like I bounce back and forth between “oh hell, yes I’m AuDHD” and “nah, I’m just projecting that I’m like this.” It’s this weird limbo-land where I question all that I know about myself. What I do know is that I’ve had multiple misdiagnoses through the years because communication between humans is fraught with inaccuracies and I’m super literal so I take the assessment questions literal in ways that has resulted in misunderstandings through the years.
What I do know is that I’m some form of neurodivergent and that NOT having the diagnosis meant that I’ve suffered during my 55 years. I’ve called myself stupid, chaotic, neurotic, a failure, and so on. I could not understand why things that looked to be easy for others was so hard for me and I made the assumption that everyone struggled the way I do. When my mental health provider (MHP from now on, for simplicity) wrote in my FMLA documentation that I have ADHD, I was stunned. I told her I was surprised by that inclusion and she said, “Oh, I thought you knew!”
Good lord, no. I did not.
Then I got brutally honest with her about the things I was ashamed to mention to anyone else during my various stints with mental health providers and she indicated Autism, as well as ADHD.
I dove into books written specifically for women with the two neurodivergencies she mentioned and suddenly it was like I could see my people and I understood. Now, I should clarify that I’m not the hyper form of ADHD/ADD… I’m the inattentive and impulsive mix. I only ever saw the representation of the hyper form (Spicy Ginger is this type) and so I never understood that I could fit that dx. Added to that, I didn’t understand what ADHD and Autism could look like in women or how that spectrum for each could vary so much, especially when representation in media is awfully stereotyped.
(by the way, info dumping is my jam)
So to come back to working and being some type of neurodivergent critter… I have struggled.
I limped along from my late teens until I hit menopause and then the shit hit the fan. But let’s talk that period before it got really bad – and that’s all on a scale, because it was still hard. I had tons of jobs. My undergraduate degree took me from 1987 to 2004 and my graduate degree took me from 2004-2012. I changed jobs and majors over and over. I thought I was flighty and impatient and difficult.
I was told by mental health professionals that I was too everything… too emotional, too reactive, and the biggie: my swings were outside the normal.
Now I know that I went through periods of neurodivergent burnout that manifested in massive pain. I can’t say if it was Autistic burnout or ADHD burnout, but the results were always the same. I was in massive psychological, emotional, and physical pain.
Fibromyalgia was first mentioned to me in my mid-20’s, right around the same time I had my first major breakdown. My sensory overstimulation was so big then and my frustration and feeling of being trapped was so bad that I simply wanted to stop being.
Being in an in-person workspace where the conditions are stipulated by someone outside of myself is like being poked in the eye, but I didn’t know that was it. The smells (perfumes, humans, just the environment itself)… the visuals – colors, patterns, especially working with women… the emotional projections from all the people… on and on it goes.
And then we have my internally-driven sense of logic and justice, which apparently drive me almost nuts.
There’s so much more I want to say, but it will have to come with time and maybe more rest. Here’s what I do want to say, though: Not having the diagnosis meant that I was trying my best to do things the neurotypical way and failing, over and over. I just read an analogy to it being a PC world, but neurodivergents are actually MACs. We fail trying to run the software for PCs, but give us the software for MACs and suddenly we function just fine. I like that analogy a lot, because it aligns with my feeling that I can do things, I just can’t do them the way NTs want everything done.
So what does this all mean for me staying employed right now? Well, I use a LOT of tricks and systems to keep things moving along. I have to do a ton of extra work to do what NTs do, but I can make it work. It does mean I get more tired. It also means that in-person work is out for me. I just can’t do it. I can’t add all that additional stimulation on top of all the extra I have to do to get things done.
What does it all mean as far as life impact? Well, I’m fucked for retirement. I’ve ruined myself financially over and over. I’ll be pretty lucky to be able to function and work to support myself until the day I croak. The costs to me not having the diagnosis earlier are both financial and social.
Can I work when I’m elderly? I’m not sure. I’m tired at 55. I don’t see that getting better, only worse. Talking to a financial planner sent me into a spiral of depressive thoughts. I shook them off, as it’s nonproductive to get sucked into that loop. I still don’t know how I’ll get by when I’m finally too tired and old to work anymore. I suppose I’ll do my best until then.
In the end, what is my perspective on working with neurodivergence? You can do it. You can set up systems to support yourself and there are tricks that can help you get through it. Ultimately, though, it has to start with identification. Without that, you might keep on trying to do things the NT way and that is the path to frustration, self-blame, and a whole bunch of failure. If you are lucky and have a area of hyperfocus that is your stim, you can work in that area. For me it’s numbers, logic, and patterns. It’s working from home where I can have on headphones 100% of the time and I can control the environmental stimulations (except for our cats… they defy control). Oh yeah, and I can control what I wear so it’s all stretch pants and soft things, plus I can add in light therapy and express my stims without weirding out coworkers.
And just in case someone is wondering about systems that help… I use a ton of color coding, lists that seem crazy simplistic, and double-checks. I have to be incredibly rigid about my processes so that I can lean on them when I have ping-pong ball brain. I experience time blindness, so sticking to a schedule as much as possible, plus alarms and reminders to help keep me on track. I have object impermanence, but that is less of an issue with my job. I archive things but they’re still in the archive in case I need to refer back to them. I have to minimize clutter in my electronic files or I get overwhelmed, likewise, I have to keep impeccably clean Excel spreadsheets so I don’t get overwhelmed with messy data. I glean what I can from my coworkers for ideas that simplify and organize things.
The biggest thing I have finally learned is the power of not overextending myself. I’m intellectually capable of seeing possibilities and not the limitations. If I am in danger of overextending myself, I have learned to ask for outside perspective. Excitement about possibilities can derail me and my logic will fail. Talking to an outside person (sometimes just ask my Oldest and she can help me see why it’s a bad idea) helps me slow myself back down. It doesn’t always work, but now that I know it’s an issue, I’m more willing to listen. I’ve decided to err on the side of caution now, rather than take things on.
What does this mean going forward? Well… It means fewer opportunities for income growth. It means hard work just to keep all my support systems in place. It means the fatigue will always be with me.
So take all this for whatever it’s worth. I’m tagging this post because if it helps even just one other person start the process of getting identified, it will be worth it. If you’re a woman who suspects neurodivergence or has been identified, I highly recommend reading books about women with Autism and/or ADHD/ADD. Women, both cis and trans, often are overlooked and misdiagnosed.
Good luck to all my fellow neurodivergents out there, especially those like me who were diagnosed late in life. You are NOT a failure or broken. You’re just running a different operating system.
Moonfire
Ramblings of a Wild for Words Woman 