My honey was poking around on the web and found some things that brought up old memories, which in turn led me to reading my old blog postings from the first year I was on here. Suddenly it came to me that it has been five years and I don’t know why that stuns me, but it does. While reading those old postings, I realized the sum of the memories that are captured in them and I’ve decided to start printing them off to preserve for my foggy brain. My only regret is that I didn’t include pictures this whole time. How many of those memories would have been made all the better with a photo or two?
The counterpoint to all of the nostalgia, was the sad feeling of loss that resurrected over the loss of my friendship just before I started writing on here. As with any relationship, a friendship weaves its way into your life and becomes a part of your structure. The difficulty when you end a relationship is that you’re left with the placeholder for the person that was once a part of your life and that emptiness can be hard to fill. Some people will just find a new person to fill that space, while others will just brick up the space and pretend that it was never there in the first place. And then there are people like me – people who can’t fill the space and want to brick it over, but ultimately find that they can’t… so the space just gathers dust.
I’ve been fine about it this last year. Maybe I’d finally started to let the memories themselves leave. Or maybe the scab had finally healed and fallen off. I don’t really know. I haven’t wanted to know why I was able to go longer without thinking about it, because then it lets the grief come up again.
And I suppose that’s really where I was headed with this posting. It did eventually turn into grief. I should clarify that it started as anger, along with all of those other negative emotions that built up at the time it happened, but then – over time – it turned into grief and loss. And so there is that hole still existing and I wasn’t noticing it anymore, until the conversation last night.
Everyone involved in the whole mess has their own take on how things went – who was to blame and their own personal hurts. My honey got beaten up just as bad, if not worse, as I did. My mum had to hear from us about what was going on and she was protective of us, so it impacted her in that one way. My oldest dealt with the emotions that we were all flinging around and I think he is still tender about it, although I don’t know that he’d get where it came from.
Small guy is the only one who really doesn’t know and he remains free of it. I’m glad that one of us can say that.
Along came today, in the aftermath of very brief discussion last night, and I came very close to falling apart again. I don’t feel the anger anymore. I just feel the sadness. I don’t discount what any of us went through back then, but I’m damned sad that all the friendship that we had got thrown out like it never mattered. Here and now, looking back, I can say that it DID matter. Nothing lasts forever, even if we hope that it will, so I can say that it’s ok that it ended for all that it meant so much to me before that last awful year. Five years gave me that peace, that knowledge, that it’s ok to have the friendship end. And it’s ok that it hurt and it’s even ok that I’m still able to grieve about it.
About a year after the whole thing dissolved in a giant mess of anger and resentment and almost every other negative emotion you can imagine, I wrote my final comment on the situation. I mentioned that I wanted to be able to forget and not even remember her. Well, five years later I have healed enough to say that I don’t want to forget my friend. That would be the final and worst betrayal of the person that was my best friend and I won’t do it. Instead, I’m going to learn how to have peace with my memories. No more editing my recollections to avoid places that were tender for too long. We had good times and bad. We were stupid to lose sight of what was important and that cost us the friendship, but that doesn’t mean that it was anything less than a good part of life when it existed.
Everyone else will just have to find their own peace in their own terms. That might just be my last wish – my last thought – on the subject – that everyone who had to deal with it gains peace. I don’t mean a resigned feeling that they were wronged or treated horribly or that people they loved were treated horribly. I want everyone involved to be finally free of those negative emotions so they can look back on the friendships and good times with free hearts,.
I don’t know what this means for me now. Will I wake up tomorrow just a little bit lighter in spirit? Does this mean anything has changed for me or am I just putting into words things I was already feeling over this last year? Hmmm. I can’t say.
It’s time to get the small guy out of the tub and get him into bed. I’m getting the “awwww, mom” from the boys on bed time, so it’s time to shut this down. Wishing all a good night and sweet dreams.