I had a busy day and it was mostly productive, which is a change from how things have been going for the last few months.  I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I have the attention span of a gnat.  At least today I was able to focus and able to get a few things knocked off the urgent list on my desk.  I’ve been fighting some kind of respiratory bug – not enough to take me down fully, but enough to make me tired and a bit bluesy.  And it was enough to cause me to take a few weeks off from my early morning workouts.  I feel bad about it, still the guilt and self-judgment over taking the time off is offset by the relief I feel at not getting up at 4:45am each day, Monday through Thursday.

I have now officially been off all sleep medications – whether prescription or OTC – for a full week.  Prior to that week, I was using them sporadically for about a month.  I’m sleeping better now and it’s odd to me that getting off the sleep medications has finally been successful.  I think it’s due to the prescribed 5-HTP, but maybe it’s just that the sum of stress in my life has finally been alleviated to the right level?

So you could look at my being off the sleep meds and make the correlation that it explains my fatigue, only I don’t think that’s the case at all.  We’ve had nasty icy and wickedly cold weather here, which has, in turn, caused me to miss all of the last 2 1/2 weeks of walking.  Now THIS is something that may explain my fatigue and my foul temper.  At least, that’s how I’ve decided to view it.

Anyway, I have gained still more weight in the last month and it has dragged me down into the dumps so far that I wonder if I’ll ever feel light and energetic again.  We had some lovely sunshine this afternoon and when I took advantage of it, I felt my spirits begin to nudge upwards.  Maybe that’s all I need?  Feed my spirit a good walk each day, with fresh air and sunshine, and I’ll feel better?  I can accept that I think.

The blahness that I’ve been feeling is tainting my work and my nutrition – or at least, it’s tainting my attempts at nutrition.  I have gone from being a foodie to being someone who very much resents food and all the baggage it seems to come with.  And how on earth could I be working that hard at those early morning workouts, only to gain 13 lbs??  What kind of new hell is this, anyway?

I saw numbers on the doctor’s scale that I’ve never seen before and it drew me down into a very sad place.  They said my measurements hadn’t changed from last time, so I’ll take that as something positive, but it still leaves me feeling that working hard doesn’t pay off for me.

The whole issue has departed from the realm of vanity and is now approaching a point where it makes me so unhappy that I don’t want to see people or be around anyone socially.  That’s a bad sign for me, as I suspect it will lead me to depression and I need a round of that like I need to be punched in the eye.

And of course I wonder if I’m not just a little bit depressed due to the ongoing dark days and dismal air we’ve been experiencing?  While I hate endless sunny days, I think that some gentle Spring weather would be really welcome right now, even if it’s about 2 months too early.

So I’m not looking forward to dealing with food tomorrow and frankly, if the sun doesn’t peek out for an hour or so, I might lose my mind.  For tonight, I get a warm bath and cozy flannel sheets to snuggle into.  I might have a small gray kitty join me on the bed and if that’s the case, I’ll enjoy the brief cuddle she’ll give me.  I kissed both my boys goodnight, twice – just to make sure they got that extra bit of love – and I’ve had some relaxation time.  I hope that tomorrow is just incrementally better than today.  It’s all I really ask for at this point.

And that would be enough.



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