I had a moment the other evening where I felt totally at sea. I guess I’m still trying to figure out how to adjust to my new, non-academic life. I write this even as my honey is next to me on the bed, studying calculus. Maybe that’s part of it. He’s doing his thing, with the structure that comes from being in class (time-tables, etc) and I’m on the “outside” looking in.
Or maybe it’s just that I’m used to that structure in my own world, where the timing was dictated externally and I just went along with it. Yesterday, in day 2 of our staff retreat, my boss mentioned that our department is now in its “adulthood” and we’re ready to make more mature decisions/strategies. Perhaps that’s what being out of school is really all about: adulthood – setting my own time-table and boundaries – creating my own sense of structure in how I handle things?
I don’t know. It’s much easier to throw in 100% and have the structure set for you.
I think things are further complicated by the fact that mentally I want the household to be on the same page. I can’t get there with my honey in school. His routine is almost the antithesis of what ours needs to be and in trying to find a balance between the two, I’m struggling.
We have 3 or more years of this left due to a combination of factors. I’m not sure how I’ll find my footing in the middle of facing that length of time. It makes me grit my teeth to contemplate it. Someone at my old job told me that my stress level would drop once I was out of school. I responded that the thing causing me a lot of stress isn’t MY being in school, it’s my honey’s being in school. I think she doubted me on that one, but now that I ponder that conversation again, I think that I was totally on to something.
I’ve been considering what I will do to survive this next few years and believe me, it will be about survival, because I’m worn out already and we’ve got a hellish long way to go. Some how, some way, I’ve got to be ok with this. I’ve got to find ways to be supportive. I’ve got to help the kids survive it too, because the cost is there for all three of us.
I don’t need to go back to school myself. I don’t really think that I could. So now it’s time to establish our routine – our structure. I’m starting tomorrow. The kids need it. I need it. What it will look like is pretty much up in the air, but it’s up to me to figure it out.