Insomnia blog 400.2

Yes. That would be exaggeration. I’m ok with that since it’s not quite 3 in the morning and I have to be up at 6:30am to start the day. Ugh.

Had the interview. Feeling pessimistic, but there are numerous reasons for that to be the case. I’m trying to turn it around in my mind, but the frenetic week has set the tone for my thinking and it’ll take a day or two to turn it around.

I do wonder if my pessimism isn’t a “pre-coping” tactic that I’m automatically falling into because I’m trying to mitigate the disappointment if I don’t get the position. Too, I wonder if wanting something this much is really healthy? Not sure on that front and certainly open to debate.

I have a wicked headache and working with the cpap has made me bloaty (swallowing air, dammit). I’m calling the doctor’s office this next week, while I’m on vacation, to discuss whether or not I should consider a different mask, even though I like the nasal pillows. I’m finding that I’m very tense trying to go to sleep because of my concern about my jaw dropping open. This is a realistic thing to be tense over, since my jaw does drop open once I am deeply asleep and the chin strap only minimally helps (and it’s hot on my face).

I feel like this can be resolved with consideration of a different mask type, so I’m not concerned. I was warned that it could happen and I’m mentally prepared for it. I also wonder if the pressure is high enough. A smidge more would be more comfortable for me, but he may disagree.

So. The elephant in the room… The interview. I really don’t know. They interviewed 3 of us today and will be offering it to one of us next week. At least this means the waiting and pain will be brief. I am extremely critical of myself, with a high degree of perfectionism about things that I promise I will attempt to lose. For now, though, I find that I have little confidence about the interview as a whole. I certainly feel that I did well in portions, but is that enough to overcome the areas where I was weak?

I am not good with unknowns. I struggle with control issues and beyond the application submission and the interview itself, I have very little that I can do for the situation. Yes, it could be said that is always the case and I agree… it doesn’t mean that I like it. I can’t step up to them and say, “Hey, you need to give me a chance because I can truly do this.”

Unfortunately, my swiss cheese resume is harming me. And from that I could say that staying at financial aid would improve that aspect for me. Truthfully, other than the incredibly high stress and no possibility of a pay raise for an extended period, it’s a good job, with wonderful people. As I told my current boss, it is no poor second if I don’t get this position that I just interviewed for.

It’s more a case of wishing that I had done as well as I know that I could. Then if I didn’t get the position, I could know that it was because the candidate that was chosen simply had better credentials and it wasn’t for a lack in anything I might have done.

Well, we’ll see. This mean headache is not doing much better, but I think I need a bit of sleep before the busy day begins. We have Bren’s first basketball game this morning, then chess (then mum needs to take a nap), then haunting second hand stores for “zombie gear” before going to see the Thriller public performance this evening.

happy Saturday morning,


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