I stand corrected…

Got a 186/190 on the midterm from this past weekend.  So I’ll chalk up my pessimism to the poor judgment caused by fatigue.  At least that’s the story I’m going with at this point.

The job still isn’t posted; however, I checked with HRS and it’s going to be posted early next week.  They need to clarify something with DS, so it’s slightly delayed.  I’m betting that will mean a slightly delayed closing date on it as well.  I’m struggling at work due to the knowledge that I’m seriously pursuing the position with DS and yet I have to function in my current job as though nothing is happening.  It’s creating a sense of dishonesty that is driving me insane.

I’ll hang in there, but I have to say that I much prefer the way I handled things when I was going for this position – and I was working with DS at that time.  I was honest and forthright with him, so there was no sense of sneaking around.  He understood why and it left us on great terms.  I’ve read through an email exchange we had when I notified him that I’d been chosen for the financial aid position and it was a great exchange.  I’ll never forget my last day and how fantastic he was, even as I was leaving.

Nothing is perfect.  Every job comes with warts and both an upside and a downside.  Working, in and of itself, isn’t always what we’d like to be doing with our time.  I’m not viewing the position with DS as a perfect match…  Instead it’s a case of knowing what I’d be getting myself into, feeling a huge degree of peace with it, and it’s knowing that there are all of these possibilities, both professionally and intellectually, with the research group that I just won’t find in financial aid.

I worked with DS for 4 1/2 months and he got me in that short time.  He treated both me and my ideas with respect.  I’ve heard truly fantastic things on campus about the other person I’d be working with and given that his area is sustainability, it’s hard not to be excited about that potential.

No.  Nothing is perfect.  I learned what it can be like when you’re in the thick of things on a perpetual basis.  I’ve dragged myself home, beaten and exhausted, for the majority of the time over the last 16 months.  I’ve read my journal and see the entry on January 24, 2011, when I finally knew that it wasn’t a good match for me.  Yet, here I am all these months later and I’m still there.  If I’m not picked for the position with DS and his team, I’ve got a really great opportunity happening in my current department (with no chance of raises for 2-3 years).  I know the team I’d be working with if I’m staying in financial aid and I know we’d do really well together.

Things will come out the way they are supposed to be.  I will hang in there, as I’ve been in hellish limbo for 3 months now.  Some kind of resolution will happen before December.  I just have to be focused, prepare well for the interview with DS (presuming that I’m in the cut to be interviewed), and I have to avoid overconfidence.

And I have to finish up a research paper, two finals, and begin reading for my next two classes.

Did I mention the kids and my honey, too?

Yeah.  It’s like that.  Tired.  Getting CPAP on Monday.  Maybe something will happen this month and all will find a place of equilibrium.  I think it’s safe to say that I’ve overcome any tendencies towards laziness during this past period!

cheers,
moonfire

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