Well. I suppose that’s one of my more loaded posting titles.
My latest attempt at medication has backfired and I’m experiencing the following joyful side-effects:
- Severe joint pain
I have 12 graduate credits to accomplish while working a full-time, totally nuts job. I wave the white flag. I’m holding off on trying any further medications until I know that this fall is well behind me. Still loving my law class. Hell, I love both my classes. I just wish I could have another couple of days off to regain some of my footing.
I’ve determined that working with my clinical psychologist to resolve a few issues is better than any medication. I no longer drive home cussing like a sailor… although, I still swear in a slightly more lady-like manner when other drivers tick me off. The people that have had me light up like a Christmas tree are a subtle nuisance now. And my student contact days only make me sweat a bit, though that might be due more to the damned medication than anything.
She has helped me to navigate a portion of my own brain and has helped me to feel much happier with inhabiting that space. Maybe that’s what I was really looking for, at least on a surface level. I’m still too afraid to dig into the darker matter hiding out in there. I need mental space for that which I don’t have available right now. So it’s consciously (and agreed to be) deferred for now. She has warned me that we won’t set it aside forever, just until I’m through with the high pressure fall and likely it will be deferred fully until I graduate in April.
And in my last confession for today, I will say this… I am more seriously considering law school. Given that my family would likely stage an intervention because I’m considering it, I will be good with saying that it’s a thought – one that won’t be manifested for 2-5 years. Perhaps that will give me time to develop the argument FOR it, rather than simply bracing for the arguments against it. Plus I don’t think anyone in my family much cares for lawyers.
One final thought… I dream of places of green, blue and brown, with smells of earth and leaf. I imagine stony walled cottages, with gardens and wells. I sense soft moss, clear water, and a soft gray sky. But I’m sitting here instead, in the mess and dust of our modern house. I wouldn’t do well in my dream space. I don’t like bugs or snakes or spiders. So it’s ok that I can only go there when I really feel like slipping away from the craziness of our lives. It’d be nice to share it for a bit, with my boys and my honey.