I’ve got a wicked sinus infection (and how you get one in the middle of a heat wave is beyond me), so this may end up a wee bit disjointed. I’m still willing to give it a shot.
It must be an extremely human need, the seeking of acceptance for who you are. Perhaps some take it for granted, assuming that they are noted and accepted for the fullness of who and what they are. There are others, me included, who struggle with it. Maybe we hide our true selves, fearful that the people around us won’t tolerate our quirks. Or maybe there are those who can’t quite pin down their own self-acceptance, leaving them with the vague uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t quite right. They just can’t pin it down.
Labeling can be seen as a negative, yet naming a thing can take away the power it has to hurt you. Then there are the times when you have to excavate yourself out from under a label. This can be hard and painful work, particularly when it’s common for those pinned to the label to deny it. Makes it all the harder to disprove the “rightness” of the labeling in the first place.
I had a lovely experience with perception recently. I sat, waiting not quite patiently on some stairs in the heat of early evening. I looked up and the sky was an amazing shade of blue. The tree across the parking lot had thick, super brilliant green leaves and the contrast of the leaves against the sky was intense and beautiful. No words that I could pick out would really begin to describe it – simply put, I stopped my impatience for a moment and could only think how everyone should see this moment. Then a small white butterfly fluttered through my line of sight.
It was perfect.
I would like to be viewed as clearly as I viewed that moment. I’d like to know that the people around me “get” me and that they’re ok with me as I am.
I’d like to be as happy with myself as I can be.
So I suppose that would be the goal, then. I’ll continue to work with my doctor, who, by the way, I feel safe with. With time, I feel confident that I’ll be weaned off the medications. I will use this sense of hope to rebuild myself. (and just had a 70’s flashback to the Million Dollar Man… sigh… childhood creeps in again!)
But now the pills are kicking in and I’m heading for sleep.