where you belong

Still not full of answers here.  Maybe that’s the point – we’re not supposed to have the answers.  So the guilt set in.  It’s the guilt that we’re short-staffed, beaten down and tired, and here I am traitorously seeking alternatives.  I saw a position that I was marginally interested in.  I even went so far as updating my resume.  Then the guilt set in and I realized I just can’t do it right now.  Silly?  Yes, it’s likely that I am allowing something external to my family’s needs (my needs) to influence me.

I didn’t do the application.  I know the department…  I know the turnover they have.   I can’t do it.  Hell, I don’t really want to go for that position.  It was simply something reasonable at a the time that I needed to be looking.  That’s no better than what I’m doing now, since ultimately the same dissatisfaction would set in.

It’s funny.  In a fit that can only be called cleaning mania, I cleaned out my office – got the old crap shredded… got rid of all the grubbiness that was there when I moved in… and I organized things so I can find my paperwork.  Stress decreased, for a day or two, and then it got insane again.   It does feel better having a clean office.  Along with the cleaning, I found some voice to be able to say “no.”  Whether or not I can maintain this status is a matter for another day (especially since I once again found that the added piles of duties continued within the day of my saying “no, I’m swamped and can’t take on more”).  It counts, though.

Status check – clean office.  Minimal control of my work.  Mental distress, lower.

This past weekend I ran numbers on our financial situation.  The longer I hang in there, the better off we’ll be.  That’s the question, isn’t it?  How long can I hang in there?  Can I hang on, helping out and not ditching the team when the office is really vulnerable?  I know where I belong and it really isn’t there.  Wouldn’t it be better, at least from a karma standpoint, if I hang in a little longer?

My boss looks run ragged.  Even as I bitch and moan on here about how unhappy and stressed I am, she is buried.  She’s covering the counselor losses in two areas.  She is such a good person and she is possibly the hardest working person I’ve ever met.  I can easily say that of all the bosses I’ve worked for in my professional life, she is the one I most admire.  I am sad that I know I’m not in this for the long haul, if for no other reason than my boss is a great person – she inspires me to take one more step, handle one more thing, when I’m mostly done in.  I wish I felt differently about what I’m doing.  I wish I felt that the costs of the job were outweighed by the benefits.   Because I really hate to let my boss down.

A friend told me that we’re like dogs who need to learn to love their crates.  Maybe I’m just too much a cat rather than a dog.  I don’t want to be in a crate.  I don’t want kibble.  I want freedom and catnip, thanks much.  Don’t fence me in.

But if I choose to be on your lap and let you pet me, that’s a whole different story.

For this week I’m going to hang in there.  Next week too.  Summer and August are likely to be unbearable.  I guess this means learning how to set boundaries even more firmly before then.  I may make it another year.  I may keep the search going, guilt or no.  Where I belong depends a lot on what my family needs and how badly I feel about ditching my team.  When I reach the point that my needs outweigh the rest, where I belong will be subject to change.

signing out for bed,
moonfire

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