Still not full of answers here. Maybe that’s the point – we’re not supposed to have the answers. So the guilt set in. It’s the guilt that we’re short-staffed, beaten down and tired, and here I am traitorously seeking alternatives. I saw a position that I was marginally interested in. I even went so far as updating my resume. Then the guilt set in and I realized I just can’t do it right now. Silly? Yes, it’s likely that I am allowing something external to my family’s needs (my needs) to influence me.
I didn’t do the application. I know the department… I know the turnover they have. I can’t do it. Hell, I don’t really want to go for that position. It was simply something reasonable at a the time that I needed to be looking. That’s no better than what I’m doing now, since ultimately the same dissatisfaction would set in.
It’s funny. In a fit that can only be called cleaning mania, I cleaned out my office – got the old crap shredded… got rid of all the grubbiness that was there when I moved in… and I organized things so I can find my paperwork. Stress decreased, for a day or two, and then it got insane again. It does feel better having a clean office. Along with the cleaning, I found some voice to be able to say “no.” Whether or not I can maintain this status is a matter for another day (especially since I once again found that the added piles of duties continued within the day of my saying “no, I’m swamped and can’t take on more”). It counts, though.
Status check – clean office. Minimal control of my work. Mental distress, lower.
This past weekend I ran numbers on our financial situation. The longer I hang in there, the better off we’ll be. That’s the question, isn’t it? How long can I hang in there? Can I hang on, helping out and not ditching the team when the office is really vulnerable? I know where I belong and it really isn’t there. Wouldn’t it be better, at least from a karma standpoint, if I hang in a little longer?
My boss looks run ragged. Even as I bitch and moan on here about how unhappy and stressed I am, she is buried. She’s covering the counselor losses in two areas. She is such a good person and she is possibly the hardest working person I’ve ever met. I can easily say that of all the bosses I’ve worked for in my professional life, she is the one I most admire. I am sad that I know I’m not in this for the long haul, if for no other reason than my boss is a great person – she inspires me to take one more step, handle one more thing, when I’m mostly done in. I wish I felt differently about what I’m doing. I wish I felt that the costs of the job were outweighed by the benefits. Because I really hate to let my boss down.
A friend told me that we’re like dogs who need to learn to love their crates. Maybe I’m just too much a cat rather than a dog. I don’t want to be in a crate. I don’t want kibble. I want freedom and catnip, thanks much. Don’t fence me in.
But if I choose to be on your lap and let you pet me, that’s a whole different story.
For this week I’m going to hang in there. Next week too. Summer and August are likely to be unbearable. I guess this means learning how to set boundaries even more firmly before then. I may make it another year. I may keep the search going, guilt or no. Where I belong depends a lot on what my family needs and how badly I feel about ditching my team. When I reach the point that my needs outweigh the rest, where I belong will be subject to change.
signing out for bed,