I don’t know what that means…

I watch Bones.  The tv show, not anything else morbid and disgusting.  Makes me wish I’d finished a degree in science… preferably biological or chemical science.

And then I realized today that I have somehow slipped past possibilities and gone right to feeling old.  I understand the reasoning and logic behind getting my MBA.  I’m now about 10 months away from finishing it and there is satisfaction in finishing something, particularly when I appear to have copious priors for NOT finishing things.

Still.  I miss science.  I’d call it poetry, however, I think it’s more like art than anything.  Now here is where I should normally form some wonderful word connection between the two worlds, showing (not telling) the ways in which the two seemingly-disparate realms actually share compatible traits.

Can’t.  Brain is fried from another day in our office.

People are exhausting.  I understand this.  I accept it.  Still it makes me shrivel up at the end of the day.  I came home tonight (to fresh soup that my honey made) and put on my jammies and robe.  I have nothing left.

So where I was headed with this… and I do have a point… somewhere in here…. is that I deal each and every day with people who have made poor decisions.  We all do it.  I got to tell a woman today that we all go in, with best intentions, and we make the best possible decisions we can given the information we have at the time.  Yes, our decisions are biased by our underlying desires, yet we still have information coming in and we go from that.

Flawed information can mean poor decisions.  Bad luck = bad decisions, in hindsight.  Working from biases and perceptions of need versus the true needs…. all of these things can impact what we do or do not choose to do.

I miss zoology and biology.  I miss college chemistry and the cool identification exercises we did.  I miss organic chem with the brain-busting time we had to put in so we could learn mnemonic devices that would aid in exam survival.  I miss the fruit fly inheritance experiments and how hard I struggled with Calculus.  I wish I’d been able to stay in Cell Biology and that I’d had a chance to take Anatomy and Physiology.

I wish that I had appreciated physics more when I was there.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now.  I have to get my applications out.  I know this, all the way down to my cells.   The question is this:  What the hell do I do now?  No answers are percolating up through the stress and fatigue.  What does all of this mean?  Being with my children is my deepest wish and it is totally impossible.  I got home just before 7pm tonight.  Tomorrow night I’ll try to do better.  A friend told me today that I have a lot of guilt about my children.  I do.  Tired, exhausted, stressed out, tapped out mom is not an engaged or engaging mom.

Everything looks cookie-cutter right now.  Same types of jobs – same low pay – same every where, every thing…

I deal all day with people who have lost jobs, lost homes, lost family and I’m supposed to figure this out?

Did you know that you can take a cut flower and put it in a vase with water that contains food dye and it will absorb the color of the food dye?



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