I am completely in awe about all the wonderful posts people have placed on Marcus’s FB page. How odd that social networking is allowing my sister in law to let all of the friends and family know what is happening without having to make endless painful calls. And we are able to share stories and even view the infamous video of him singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” in high school. I know that he would be very happy to share it with all of us who didn’t get to experience first hand all those years ago. It brought the biggest smile to my face and seemed to shine a light on what I most want to feel now – happiness that we were family, even for a brief bit of history.
My boss and I talked about the reality behind grieving – that in a way we aren’t sad so much for the person who has gone as we are for the hole that has left in our lives. I’m sad for my sister in law. I’m sad for our family… for his family… for his friends… for my boys. I’m sad that family dinner will not be the same with his humor gone and I know that hole will never be filled, because we aren’t him.
I’m sad for him, too, because he had a lot of life left to live. He so much did not want to leave Colleen. He had things he still wanted to do and he had times when he was incredibly scared, knowing that suddenly old age was an unlikely future for him. Today I had to stop and think of how they did have a great life together. Yes, it was too short, no matter how you add it up or quantify it. I really think that what they had was great. He loved and was loved. He has so many people who miss him deeply. That is a life that was well worth living.
I’m not good with death. Maybe that’s a weird thing to say because, really, who is good with death? I know it is a part of everything – that as I age, this will happen more and more – still I am not good at understanding it. I’m not a religious person, although I feel some spiritual leanings when I consider the whole of nature. I don’t subscribe to the concept of some organized, structure religion, so I don’t have that to lean on during times like these. Losing someone who is loved leaves so many more questions. I wonder if I won’t question right up to the end?
I miss him. I miss the person he was. I miss the love that he shared. I miss the stories and the random moments of song. I miss how he could easily crack himself up. I miss his times of irritation when my sister in law was sick and she needed her mom, yet how he loved her so incredibly much.
So even though I don’t have some organized basis for saying this, I will put this out there into the electronic ether for him:
Bless him and keep him. I hope there is something wide, wonderful and beautiful waiting for our energies when we pass too. And I hope that all of us find that place together, for more laughter and song.