small thoughts, early morning

I got the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while.  My sleep specialist would be ticked off, yet again, because I’m taking sleep meds, but given that I can’t afford to go to him anyway, it’s a moot point.  I could use another 2 or 3 of those same levels of sleep and I might begin to feel human again.

I believe my hormones are up to no good.  I say this as my coping mechanisms begin to descend.  The timing is poor, with this being the most busy and most pressure intensive time of the year for my department.  I’m trying to maintain a sense of optimism, only I don’t  feel I’m being entirely successful.

The sad thing is that I find real satisfaction in what I’m doing.

Perhaps the hardest part about this is the feeling that I’m missing so much with my children.  Aidan is 3.  He’s going through an amazing time of growth and learning.  Where am I?

Brennan craves and desires interaction, someone to listen to him, and he wants to explore.

Where am I?

This isn’t a constant feeling.  It’s simply an ongoing undercurrent that surfaces for me, periodically.  Much like last year, I am facing the feeling of loss.  It’s softer this year, thank goodness, and I wonder if it isn’t because (at the least) I’m helping other people.

I look at the house… chaotic and disorganized… and I feel it physically, the wrongness of the mess.  I come home, wiped out from working 9+ hours, I try to interact with the kids, but I have more work to do, homework, housework.  I end up grumpy, irritable, touchy, and mostly sad.

It’ll pass.  The hormones will let up as I head into the next phase of my cycle.  Work will ease off after 10th day of classes.  Maybe I’ll take a day off to work on whatever remains of the organizing here at the house.

Even in the middle of all these soupy, overwhelming feelings, I know I was right to take the job.  I won’t say I love it, because it’s hard to love something so difficult and so pressured.  Satisfaction is the closest I can come to explaining why it’s right.

But the morning isn’t so early now.  Time to get dressed, say goodbye to Todd and the kids, and go to work.



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