a gentle slide into sleep

I’m wiped out from the trip.  Got the boys to see my Nana and she got a hug from Brennan (albeit a limited one) and a kiss from Aidan.

I had put a lot of thought into getting there to see her with the boys, but not so much thought in saying good bye.  It is so very hard to say good bye to someone when it may well be the last time you see them.  She looked at Aidan at one point and said that he looks like a baby, then she started crying – which started me crying.  And she cried when she said good bye to us.

My Nana and I have not always gotten along.  She is my father’s mother and things were said and done to my mother that I’d have to say I’m hard-pressed to forgive.  That said, I love her and being this far away when there may be so little time left is very hard.  What would I do if I were there?  I would visit.  I’d persuade the children to come and give them things to do, much like this visit, so she could watch them play.  I’d tell her how we’re doing, but words only go so far.  It’s living life that makes it richer, so it would be nothing more than an echo.  What would be best would be giving her a hug and telling her I love her, just like I did when I visited on Sunday.

It doesn’t matter, thinking about what I might do.  Maybe I’d be busy and only visit now and again.  I don’t know.   Life runs so quickly, minute to minute, it’s eaten up with a bunch of stuff that doesn’t feel like it matters all that much.  Then again, it seems like all the small stuff does ultimately add up to this pile of things that matter a bit more than I give it credit for.

I know the boys don’t understand.  That’s ok.  This was for her.  It wasn’t for me or the kids or my dad or anyone else.  This was just for her.  My kids are a part of her – a part of my grandfathers and my gramma Meade.   I wanted her to know them, even if it was just for a couple hours.  I wanted her to know that they’re good kids and they are very loved.  I wanted to share that love with her and tell her those words that I always said on the phone, but really means more when you can say them with a hug… a touch.

I’m not really ready to say good bye yet.  I feel like I have so much more that I would have liked to say, so I’m going to sit down and actually write.  I hate writing letters, but I’ll do it.  Because writing the letter or letters won’t be just for her.

It’ll be for me too.

I’m over-tired and weepy now.  So I think I’ll go rest my eyes.  I need to accomplish more at work tomorrow than I did today.  And the same for the next day.

good night from a very tired moonfire


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