tried to think of a word of the day, but my brain fizzled

I’m a very boring person these days.  I’d like to have the energy to be worried about it, but I don’t.

Today wiped me out.  But then, tonight, Bren read us two chapters out of his “Blizzard of the Blue Moon” book (it’s a Magic Treehouse book) and I had just a twinge of “me” back.  There is something about hearing an adventure story that perks me up.  Words that he needed assistance with?  Belvedere and terrace.

I love listening to him read to us.  It’s a whole different dynamic.  I cuddle the baby (and yes, I’m perfectly aware that he’s a toddler, but he’ll be my baby for a while longer – thanks much).  Todd sometimes wanders in to listen for a moment, then he sidles out to do whatever it is that he’s up to at the time.

Danny the dog will curl up on the floor next to the bed.  Sometimes I can hear him licking away on his old-dog arthritic paws.

My role has changed.  I’m the portable dictionary… the reading assistant… the one who keeps up the enthusiastic and encouraging comments.  I also keep the baby from feeling left out, which means whispered words out of books to hold him until Bren’s done and I can read “Go, Dog, Go!”

I wish I had someone playing that role for me right now.  I’d like a cheerleader – a prompter – keeping my dog-paddling while I seek a better situation than I’m in right now.  I haven’t got much left for myself.  I keep finding that I’m clenching my teeth and I still find myself hunched at my desk, a kind of hunkering down as I try to make it through one more call.  I’ve had times when I had to talk myself into punching into the next ticket, all the while hoping that someone else will beat me to it.

But that’s the same old story.  The tightness in my jaw isn’t going away and I’m 17 minutes past 8pm, with each minute eating away one that I might be sleeping.  I hate feeling like that, but it’s life right now.  If I don’t find something by the time Todd is on break after this semester, I’m requesting to go off the morning shift because it is wearing me down.  I’ll give some appropriate reason – read: something that will fly for the business.

I wish we could be honest about what we feel at work.  I’d walk in, tell my boss that I’m exhausted and have nothing left to give.  I’d apologize for being a major wuss.

It’s now up to 19 past the hour.  I can’t afford the loss of many more minutes and I still need the requisite tossing and turning time.



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